These past four days have been very interesting. I feel different
than I did last Saturday, about many things. A hunger has developed in me. I
want God. I want to learn and grow and be the best person I can be.
I just finished the book "Rachel's Tears" for the
3rd time. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school
shooting in 1999. I read the book first when I was in eighth grade. It was
given to me by my old youth pastors. Rachel had such a passion for God and such
an intimate relationship with him that was evident to everyone around her and
especially evident through her journals.
I devoured the book for the third time got things out of it
that I didn't the first time. After a visit to a homeless shelter, a meeting
with a pastor, reading "Rachel's Tears", and spending longer than fifteen
minutes in my quiet time with the Lord I am full of thoughts. Here are some of
them:
● Life
is short. Whether we live long lives or for only a brief time, like Rachel
Scott did, life is short. It is just a blink in time. My life could end in an
instant. Your life could end in an instant. I want every day to matter. I don't
want to let a moment pass by wasted. I don't want to just go through the
motions of a typical Christian lifestyle. I want to be completely 100% sold out
to God. I want to walk with him with every thing I do, everywhere I go, and
every word that I speak. I want to shine for Him and more than anything, when
people look at me, I want them to see Jesus.
● I'm
done with this pity party. For 7 years now I've let myself be sad about things.
My parents' divorce. Half my family being in FL, and the other half in IN.
Being hurt by friends. Being hurt by the church. I'm letting go. I'm done with
being sad. I'm all cried out. I'm giving it to God. Every day, giving it to
God, and moving on with my life, determined to not be the cause for someone
else's sadness one day.
● Forgiveness
is important. I need to continue to forgive those that hurt me. I want to be
able to be light hearted, letting hurts go as soon as they come. I cannot
control my fellow man's actions. We all have free will. So God cannot prevent
people from hurting me. Just as he cannot prevent me from hurting people. It is
so easy to become bitter. And I don't want to leave this earth with bitterness
in my heart.
● Since August 2008 I have been confused about
two things, the gifts of prophecy and the gift of tongues. The church I used to
belong to and the church I belong to now have different views on the topic. And
I'm still confused. However, I love the verse 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2 "If I
speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a
resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can
fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Love is the greatest. It
covers a multitude of sins. God is love. What does all this matter without
love? I've come to my own conclusions about these topics based on what the
bible says and I am also keeping in mind, 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Do not
stifle the holy spirit." I don't want to put God in a box. His thoughts
aren't my thoughts. I don't know anything. I just know what His word tells me
and will save the questions for the day that I meet Him.
● God
has a plan. He has a plan to prosper me, not to hurt me. I'm going to start
living every day as it was my last. Because it could be. Tomorrow isn't a
promise. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that he is
taking care of me. He always has. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to
question my decisions when I make them with him. Cause I know that he is with
me wherever I go.
Finally I would like to say, if I've hurt anyone and caused
them to be bitter or hurt, please tell me. Let's talk it out. I don't want to
be the reason why someone is angry or hurt. I want to work things out. This
isn't directed at anyone in particular. I just know how easy it is to let
little hurts grow into big hurts from one foolish conversation. I want peace. I want harmony. :) That is all.
To God be the glory.
-Noelle.
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