Thoughts 1-12-11

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 12 January 2011 at 06:46

These past four days have been very interesting. I feel different than I did last Saturday, about many things. A hunger has developed in me. I want God. I want to learn and grow and be the best person I can be.

I just finished the book "Rachel's Tears" for the 3rd time. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school shooting in 1999. I read the book first when I was in eighth grade. It was given to me by my old youth pastors. Rachel had such a passion for God and such an intimate relationship with him that was evident to everyone around her and especially evident through her journals.

I devoured the book for the third time got things out of it that I didn't the first time. After a visit to a homeless shelter, a meeting with a pastor, reading "Rachel's Tears", and spending longer than fifteen minutes in my quiet time with the Lord I am full of thoughts. Here are some of them:

●     Life is short. Whether we live long lives or for only a brief time, like Rachel Scott did, life is short. It is just a blink in time. My life could end in an instant. Your life could end in an instant. I want every day to matter. I don't want to let a moment pass by wasted. I don't want to just go through the motions of a typical Christian lifestyle. I want to be completely 100% sold out to God. I want to walk with him with every thing I do, everywhere I go, and every word that I speak. I want to shine for Him and more than anything, when people look at me, I want them to see Jesus.

●     I'm done with this pity party. For 7 years now I've let myself be sad about things. My parents' divorce. Half my family being in FL, and the other half in IN. Being hurt by friends. Being hurt by the church. I'm letting go. I'm done with being sad. I'm all cried out. I'm giving it to God. Every day, giving it to God, and moving on with my life, determined to not be the cause for someone else's sadness one day.

●     Forgiveness is important. I need to continue to forgive those that hurt me. I want to be able to be light hearted, letting hurts go as soon as they come. I cannot control my fellow man's actions. We all have free will. So God cannot prevent people from hurting me. Just as he cannot prevent me from hurting people. It is so easy to become bitter. And I don't want to leave this earth with bitterness in my heart.

●      Since August 2008 I have been confused about two things, the gifts of prophecy and the gift of tongues. The church I used to belong to and the church I belong to now have different views on the topic. And I'm still confused. However, I love the verse 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Love is the greatest. It covers a multitude of sins. God is love. What does all this matter without love? I've come to my own conclusions about these topics based on what the bible says and I am also keeping in mind, 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Do not stifle the holy spirit." I don't want to put God in a box. His thoughts aren't my thoughts. I don't know anything. I just know what His word tells me and will save the questions for the day that I meet Him.

●     God has a plan. He has a plan to prosper me, not to hurt me. I'm going to start living every day as it was my last. Because it could be. Tomorrow isn't a promise. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that he is taking care of me. He always has. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to question my decisions when I make them with him. Cause I know that he is with me wherever I go.

Finally I would like to say, if I've hurt anyone and caused them to be bitter or hurt, please tell me. Let's talk it out. I don't want to be the reason why someone is angry or hurt. I want to work things out. This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I just know how easy it is to let little hurts grow into big hurts from one foolish conversation.  I want peace. I want harmony. :) That is all.

To God be the glory.

-Noelle.

Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life. 

so I woke up this morning, and I realized something.  I am happy. I am over it. Well, as over it as I can be. I think it was babysitting for Kam, CJ, and Kiana. And the fact that I'm reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love.  And my new mini-church.  No matter how I replay the things that happened in my head, the ending will remain the same.  No matter who was right and who was wrong God loves me and knows my intentions there. I've recognized the problems I did have with my bitterness there, and I've let them go.  God loves me.  I love my new friends/prayer partners in the mini church. I forgot what it was like, to be able to be held accountable with people.  I am happy And I am looking forward to whatever God has in store for me.  =)

Leaving the HA

So, I suppose most of you have heard about how I came left Honor Academy thursday morning.(I tagged people in this note who I knew didn't know the details...or didn't even know I had left.) I got on a bus and arrived in Hammond, IN at about 11:30 a.m. So I had a 24 hour trip home... And I can probably guess what you are thinking... "Why did Noelle leave after only 5 days of being there? She must have been homesick. Why didn't she just stick it out a little bit longer?" 

Trust me, I would wonder the same things if I were you guys...

So here's why: (in very short, non-descriptive, way because there are too many reasons as to why I left the HA. Way too many to write down here.)

1.) I did not trust what I was being taught. 
2.) There was a commitment banquet on Friday and I felt so strong in disaggreement of what I was being taught & what I would be doing for the next year. I couldn't committ myself to them. I could not promise I would stay for a whole year.
3.) For Anchors Away Students- Read the section called "What is a cult?" That's where I was.
4.) Their views on fasting was messed up. I believe fasting is an individual thing, a secret between God and an individual. But they have a requuired event where you must fast and you are not allowed to talk and by the end you are expected to have your purpose from God...something about that just rubs me the wrong way. 
5.)There was a secretive event called ESOAL, it was optional but if you chose not to do it you would have to scrub toilets or something. And noone who goes to the event is allowed to speak about it with other people. Again, something about that rubs me the wrong way.
6.) My spirit never really felt settled in the place. And I had prayed, and prayed, for a way to adjust and then I realized it was not JUST homesickness. Something about the place was not right. It just did not feel right in my heart. So I had been praying about if this place was the right place for me. I was also talking to someone about it. She was digging and digging and looking up things online about the Honor Academy. God spoke to her, and it was warning that I should not be there... I was going to leave after my money ran out but when I heard what God spoke to her, I knew I needed to leave. We both aggreed on it. 
7.) I was reading through my bible, looking for confirmation on whether or not I should leave the Honor Academy. If my suspicions were right about it, if my unsettled heart was correct. Then I prayed for God to give me a verse and I recieved this.

Galations 1:6-7 6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.

Yeah so that answer was pretty clear. (Note to Anchors Away students: this verse was also in the section about cults.) 

So that is why I left. There are about a million other reasons...I could write for hours! 

However, I did get some out of it. (No thanks to what I was taught or anything.) I feel way closer to God! I had to hold on to him for dear life! I felt him speak to me more than I have in a long time because I was in the word so much. So I guess I am just thinking that this was my five day retreat with the Lord. I had to be strong and stick up for my right to leave (I was against many manipulitive people when I made my decision to leave.) I also learned that I do need structure in my life, and I will start eating healthier no matter how hard it is considering no one is there to tell me what to eat. I also learned about myself- I am not always the passive, go with the flow girl, when I feel something is wrong I will step out and make it stop. So that was my five day retreat with God-the hardest, scariest days of my life. I will still have nightmares about that place but I will get through it...

(Note: If you have any questions...or want to know my other stories in depth please call me. The last thing I want is for people to misinterpret anything I said on here. My number is 707-2032 and my e-mail is noellecurran@yahoo.com.) 

God bless, stay strong, AND READ YOUR BIBLE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! SERIOUSLY! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE ONE DAY! 
The End. 
In Christ, 
A changed Noelle.