Healing and Thankfulness

Three years ago I went to the Honor Academy after high school and it was only for five days but it was clear to me that things that were going on there were not right. Even though my dad already paid for two months of the internship, I made the hard decision with fervent prayer and the Lord showed me this verse when I was making that difficult decision.

Galatians 1:6-10

6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse!

 10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I thank the Lord that He showed me that I was making the right decision. 

I thank the Lord that I got out safely and got home safely on that thirty hour bus ride.

And I thank Dawn and Kevin Engel for supporting me while I was there and when I decided to go home. 

And I thank all that did support my decision in leaving. 

And I thank MSNBC and the woman that started recoveringalumni.com for giving me confirmation that I made the right decision. And for helping thousands of hurting people that left Honor Academy. 

And this is probably hardest to say, I thank God for my short five day expirience at Honor Academy. It pushed me to seek the Lord more than I ever had and even though there was a lot of confusion and pain afterwards I grew so much closer to God through the expirience. I also realized through my bus ride home one of my passions in life is to help minister to homeless people. I thank God for Travis in that little bus station in Tyler, Texas. He felt blessed by me but in so many ways I was blessed by him. 

Thank you Lord, for pain & for recovery. 

Amen. 

Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life. 

Things Are Looking Up!

Yes, there are more changes errupting in my life. This time though, I am not fighting them. Sometimes when you aren't supposed to be somewhere God makes sure that you are out. This is the second time I've had to learn that lesson.

I'm back at the Imax until I find something else. I am going to school in January. I am completely open and willing to whatever God has for me.

Trusting has been a bit hard because of previous issues but God is making it very clear that the only one I can rely on completely is him.

He knows my heart and he knows my intentions. And that is more satisfying than any amount of money or social events on my calender.