Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life. 

For Grandpa Joe

Dear Grandpa,

Hi, it's me, Noelle. You can't read this right now because you're in a hospital in Chicago. And apparently you aren't doing so well. I'm not doing very well either. I feel horrible that I didn't visit you as much as I should have. I want to be able to say good-bye to you but if I can't, well, this will be my good-bye.

My earliest memories of you are in your old house & your apartment with your parakeets. "Get Mona!" You'd always say to him. I would watch in amuzement as the bird pecked at "Mona". I loved visiting you every weekend. It was such a special moment. Now it's even more special thinking back.  I remember playing uno, with my family, you, and Aunt Theresa & Uncle Kevin. And the doll I got from you one Christmas. I have torn up my house looking for that doll...I want to hold it and smell the powdery fresh smell, so that maybe these memories will become more vivid. But I can't find it...I can't find any of the old things you've given me! I can't even find a picture of you to hold close to my heart.

Anyway, the years went by and you met Sylvia. She changed alot of things about you, including that old apartment. But I know you loved her. And I'm happy you got to spend those five years with her.

Junior year I had an assignment to interview an old war veteran. I chose you. We talked on the phone over it...I was in my bathroom. I was so grateful my teacher assigned that for us because I got to know you so much better. I'll never forget some of those stories. Now I appreciate that more than I did at the time.

There are little things that make you so special. The way you say "Oh boy!" Your laugh. Your caring heart. Your faith, especially.

I can't really say much else, but I love you. And I hope I can see you again and read you this letter.

Love,

Noelle