So, I've been reading the bible more and I'm also reading a
Joyce Meyer book called Power Thoughts. There's three things I've read
in the past twenty four hours that struck me personally.
1.) In Power Thoughts theres a section called
"Don't Make It Personal". Meyer writes: "Automatically blaming
ourselves when something goes wrong or thinking everything that goes wrong is
intended against us as individuals is called 'personalizing' and it makes
positive thinking very difficult."
Joyce just described my life. I worry too often. And when I
dont have enough to worry about I look at other peoples' problems and somehow
in some twisted way, I blame myself for them. Like silly things, if someone is
in a bad mood or upset, I automatically think that its because of something
that I did. Even if I hadn't seen or talked to the person for a long time. It
started early in life. I remember in sunday school or school when the group was
rowdy and loud and the teacher would chastise us as a group, I would feel so
guilty for being bad even though I was sitting quietly and paying attention...
Another thing that hit me from Power Thoughts is how Joyce
described 'polarizing', basicly feeling like a horrible human being over one
innocent mistake made.
Ahgh....I totally do this!
I did this today even after reading this chapter.
The group leader for a group asked for me to do a tray talk
while I was eating lunch and I told him that the hostesses would do it for him
in the evening. They just had sack lunches and I wouldn't be able to
demonstrate it anyway. But then I felt guilty because I probably should have
done it. And I beat myself up about it throughout the rest of the shift...
Why do I do this?
Why do we do this?
Why do we freak out about the smallest little mistake?
It's a mistake. People make them all the time. And they
learn from them...so why do I have such an obsession with not making
mistakes...and why do I tear myself down so much when I do make them...all the
mistakes I have made, big and small have made me learn something either about myself,
about other people, or about life. It keeps me from taking risks. It keeps me
from doing things that I know I would be good at.
I've always known that these were my problems. But I never
really realized how much they bring me down....I need to change this. I like
this book.
2.) And....yesterday I was reading my bible in Matthew
chapter twenty six, the chapter right before Jesus is crucified. I was reading
along like I do when I read this chapter when I got to the part of Judas. He
was one of the twelve men chosen to follow him. He listened to his teaching, he
watched him perform miracles....And he traded all that for thirty pieces of
silver...
It brought tears to my eyes.
And then I got to verses 48-50:
48 Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The
one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” 49 Going at once to Jesus, Judas said,
“Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.
50 Jesus replied,
“Do what you came for, friend."
He still called him friend.
He didn't scoff.
He didn't glare at him.
He wasn't angry.
He called him friend.
I don't know if this makes sense to you...but I dont know
why that just hit me the way it did.
So many times when I have someone hurt me, intentionally or
unintentionally, it affects my view on them and affects my relationship with
them. At least I think it does. I try to look past the hurt but theres always a
piece of me that doesn't...
I am reading more about Jesus...and how he lived.
And I really want to be like Jesus.
I want to live like he did.
I want to love like he did.
The only difference is, Jesus was perfect. He never sinned.
And I'm just a faulty human. I make mistakes.
But I'm learning. I'm going to make more mistakes.
But I'm also going to learn more about Jesus.
I'm just falling in love with the way He lived.
Ahhh...man...tangents.
haha
And the last thing:
these lyrics:
I thought i did what's right
I thought i had the answer
I thought i chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So i put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when i had given up
The truth has come clear
Chorus
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go, the need to know why
Cause You know better than I
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowin', I don't know
Is part of gettin through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You
Chorus
I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught them how to fly
If I let you reach me, will You teach me
For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go, the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
Cause You know better than I
This song is from the movie Joseph King of Dreams. I haven't
been able to stop listening to it. It's a dreamworks film based on the story of
Joseph in Genesis. They play the song when Joseph is in prison after being
thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by his brothers, and wrongfully accused
of seducing Potiphars wife....he was just an innocent boy that had a couple of
dreams. And he was treated like a criminal...
But if it wasn't for being betrayed by his own flesh and
blood, and thrown into prison for something he didnt do he wouldn't have been
there to interpret Pharogh's dreams. He wouldn't have been there to save Egypt
from seven years of famine.
God had great plans for Joseph even when he was in his
lowest place he believed that. And God blessed him abundantly.
Yep....so thats what I've been thinking about in the past 35
hours....
God is so amazing.
(P.S. Thanks Dad, for getting me that Joyce Meyer book for
my birthday!)
