Today

13 hours ago I did something that will change my life forever. I finally officially committed to the church I have been attending for two years now, Faith Church in Dyer, Indiana. Faith is larger church and they are a part of the reformed church of america, which is a big change from the denomination I was raised in. One thing I have learned though is, where you go to church and what denomination it is doesn't matter as much as whether or not you are being fed and growing.

Faith church has become such a special place in my heart and I am proud to call it my home. I know God has some great things in store for me. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't know exactly which direction my life is going but all I can do is stay true to who I am, do what is right, and trust in Him.

I so look forward to growing there, meeting some people my own age and growing with them (once my thursday night class ends so I can finally go to Catalyst), and getting plugged in a ministry. I'm really thinking about volunteering in Treasureland because I miss babies!!! I miss little ones so much. I don't regret quitting the day care because I was literally going insane there but I do miss being around kids.

Meanwhile, as I go through this dry period, I speaking truth against the enemies lies and living my life so I glorify the Lord.

Things That Bring Out the Beast In Me

#1 People who can't see that they have a problem, and push aside problems they do see with a fake smile and some superficial laughs.

#2 People at work who come in and order the entire menu. People at work who are rude. People that complain to me about the prices of the food and drinks and try to get me to give them something free when I dont make the rules, I JUST FOLLOW THEM!

#3 Sickness. In all forms.

#4 My car.

#5 The fact that I havent been to Wisconsin in 107 days.

#6 The fact that half my family lives in Florida.

#7 Fake people.

#8 The fact that my cat is in Munster and I really want to cuddle with him right now.

#9 Waking up early.

#10 Jerks.

News

\1.) Today is my last day at the Imax. Again. 
2.) Starting tomorrow I will be taking care of a woman  who had a stroke full time. 3.) I feel extremely out of place because almost all of my friends are either liking someone, dating someone, or getting married to someone. I don't know. I want to meet someone. I'm ready...but its ok if its not time yet. I dont want to push anything. I want what God wants and if God wants me to be single for awhile then so be it. 4.) Shame on me for trying to share my feelings and thoughts with someone and expect to get some kind of response. That was my fault. Some people just see what they want to see. But there was a serious problem and what I want is an apology or some recognition but I see now for sure that that is not going to happen. So I'm done. I'm done with those people. I'm done with that place. I could never see them again and I would be perfectly fine with that. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. I know I was a hard worker. I'm not going to let their words echo through my head anymore. I'm done.

Sanctuary

There is a small town called Barnes tucked behind the city of Hayward in northwestern Wisconsin. My friend’s brother Chris owns a log cabin on the lake. The cabin is decorated with a rustic theme and is comforting in all senses. There’s a stone fireplace for the winter months and some lounge chairs on the wraparound porch for the summer months. Chris’s wife Debbie is always cooking something that smells amazing and tastes delicious, whether it is cookies or corned beef. There are two friendly basset hounds to keep you company, along with a little dachshund. At night the stars are incredibly visible, for lack of steel mills and factories in the area.

The house is filled with the sounds of oldies music or the news lightly playing in the background. If the radio and television is off there is such a peaceful quiet that permeates in the room that you can hear the sound of squirrels sneaking up the porch to get to the bird feeder, birds chirping, or in the winter the sound of heavy snow falling from the tall pine trees.

On one wintery Friday afternoon I was waiting patiently to hear from my friend Marilyn on whether or not we were going to make a trip up to Barnes, Wisconsin. The plan was to take her son’s car up so that her brother Chris could help trade it in for a newer model but it all depended on whether or not they would be able to get a loan. As I drove through Munster, anxious about if we were going I got a message from Marilyn on my phone and it read: Road Trip! About two hours later our bags were in the trunk, Nakita, the German Sheppard mix was in the back seat, and we were ready to go.

The road trip from Munster, Indiana to Barnes, Wisconsin is a long eight hours. Marilyn and I talked for the majority of the car ride. When we reached the oasis before the state line I took the driver’s seat and it started to snow a little bit. By the time we reached Tomah I couldn’t stand the intensity of the snow and the exhaust fumes flung at me while we were on the highway. We pulled over at a gas station and I went back to the passenger seat for the remainder of the ride. Our conversations were both meaningful and goofy. We made up stories from the names of Wisconsin towns, such as Jim Falls, Pigeon Falls, Eau Claire, and Rice Lake. We couldn’t find a radio station that wasn’t Country or Talk.

Finally at three a.m. we arrived in Barnes and were greeted by the two loveable basset hounds Cartman and Leinie and Polo the little dachshund dog and a very drowsy Chris. We crashed in our beds in the basement and then before I knew it, it was the morning and Marilyn and Chris were getting ready to take the car up to the Duluth car dealership.

I stayed back by myself at the cabin to watch the dogs. I absorbed the peace of the quiet secluded cabin and ended up being alone all day and night because Marilyn and Chris ended up at the casino in Duluth. I watched episodes of One Tree Hill, took the dogs for walks, and watched the snow fall from the porch. All four dogs accompanied me in bed when night came. Despite the wonderfulness of the cabin a gloomy dreadful feeling penetrated through my heart. The next day we were supposed to go back to Indiana and I didn’t want to go home.

The next morning I woke up at ten thirty and knew something was off because we were supposed to leave early and it would take us at least an hour or two to get going. Marilyn came into the room and let me know that she called off work on Monday and that we were going to stay an extra day. Debbie was gone on a business trip so Marilyn made some pancakes and sausage for us.

We spent the morning eating the delicious breakfast and watching the fire that Chris made crackle while listening to the oldies station. Marilyn and I walked down to Bony Lake with the basset hounds and Nakita and walked across the frozen lake. After that we got into the car and headed to Duluth, Minnesota so I could say that I’ve been to Minnesota. It turned out to be much more than that. The snow was coming down just as much as it was the night we drove up. It was a pain to drive in but it was so beautiful. We only made a couple of stops in Duluth, one at a grocery store and another at a craft store. I took a lot of pictures of the snow covered houses and downtown Duluth. The town is filled with beautiful old buildings, big hills, and friendly people. If I didn’t love Wisconsin so much I would probably want to move to Minnesota.

We stopped to get a bite to eat at a small restaurant once we were back in Wisconsin and then headed back to the cabin. Chris and Debbie were staying out that night so Marilyn and I ate our dinner and pretended like it was our house. I wrote stories on my laptop and she watched some TV. It was the perfect evening.

The next day we left around noon. I was so indescribably sad to go home. Being at Bony Lake, even for just two days once again changed my outlook on life. Time stood still, and suddenly I wasn’t worried about shopping malls, the city, my problems with friends and memories of past traumatic experiences. It’s secluded and isolated, yet, somehow, it seems like life is supposed to be as simple as life is up there.

Passion

(A writing prompt prompted this.)

Passion can be a deep true love for someone or something. Passion leads to devotion. Passion can make you feel ambitious and brave. It makes you persevere. It flows from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.Sometimes it makes you do things that aren't considered normal. Dangers of passion: Sometimes you neglect  your family or friends for your passion.

I wish I had more passion. I wish I had something that made me excited to wake up in the morning. I can think of a couple things that should make me passionate. However, it feels like Im sinking into myself and Im slowly losing everything that I once was passionate about.I'm starting to be more and more apathetic each day...

I need this to change. Like now.

That is all.

So....life.

Life is interesting. You think you know people, and the you find out you don't know a thing about them.

You think one thing is the right direction for your life, and then you find out it's not.

I never thought I would go to college. I NEVER thought I would be going to college. It was just something that I wasn't interested in. But then I started working at Sonshine and I realized that there's no way I could be there or any other place like that for the rest of my life. I didn't get that great of grades in high school...but I think this will be different. I can just feel it. I'm going to go to the campus to study on days that I'm not working. (That way I don't get distracted.) I can get tutoring if neccasary. They have a free gym at the campus. It is just so weird how everything worked out.

I was in a situation where I felt stuck, I was overworked. I was stressed out ALL the time. There was no way that I could have worked at the daycare and keep up with school. No way. The week before I quit I cried out to God on my break one afternoon. I told Him that I didn't like the way my life was going and etc.. and I just felt like something was coming. And all the steps were so easy... 

So yeah, I am back at the Imax. It is so weird. Nothing has changed much. I still do most of the work. But I like working with some of the people. I have hope for them. I just hope that I can be a light. I don't want my sour expiriences with Christians make me sour. I want to move past all the crap in my past... I am becoming a member of my church on January 13th (my birthday). I have high hopes.

2009

Time for my yearly reflection...it's one day late...and I normally do this on xanga but let's face it, xanga is dead.

January:

My first couple of weeks at the Imax. I kind of hated it. But yeah then I started to like it after awhile. My dad was being dumb and his girlfriend was with us for like a week. That's when I went to Aunt Mares and discovered Lost, one of my favorite shows. I was spending the night at her house and I decided to just watch the pilot. Then the next day she found me the next day 3/4 of the way into the season. January 30th was the craziest day of 2009. *At the time. Some days in December may have beaten that day but that's a whole different post.

Feburary:

Wasn't really all that different than January. I worked at the Imax, applied for jobs, watched Lost, ate chocolate covered pretzels, bought useless items with my Dad's guilt money that he gave me. I went to Bony Lake with Aunt Mare. I love bony lake...sooo much. Adair, her mom, her brothers, and I went to Michigan to hug a tree. We also took pictures in a cute house.

I had one really bad night at work that month. It was bad and good. Kind of. Hard to explain. But there's a reason why I am back at the Imax. It's just not salty enough.

March:

Kept working. My dad stopped dating the 20 year old. Hurray! (But then his new obsession was home security...ugh.We'll get to that later.)

Started working at Sonshine.

April:

Realised that I was losing my Grandpa Joe. I wrote him a letter, because I never had the courage to go and see him in the hospital. I never gave it to him. I even tried to drive out to see him but I got lost and ended up in Harvey. Then I went back on 94 west and went to Milwaukee.

I was struggling with working two jobs. It was really stressful because there was nothing consistant.

May:

The secound week in May I lost my keycard for work at the Imax for the four millionth time and decided that I needed to resign. It was just too much.

I was so sad to leave though. I made some good friends. I had good times. For some reason the day after my last night I was just so intensely sad. It didn't make any sense. Becaue half the time I hated it.

June:

Vivvian left early during her three week visit. That killed me. It didnt help that I was working 10 hours a day that week she was here. I was so cranky by the time I got home. I was mad at my dad. I don't thinking I've ever been so mad in my life. I whipped my phone at my dash board while I was driving I broke the phone...and part of my dashboard. My anger shocked me.

After Viv left I bought Kenny from petland in rebellion (and loneliness). He's the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Hahahaha!

My Grandpa died on a Thursday night. I never got to say good-bye. The next day at work I was struggling not to fall apart. The following Monday was the funeral and was the saddest funeral I've been too. He was the best Grandpa in the world. He loved the Lord, he prayed with me, he inspired me. I love him and I can't wait to meet him up in heaven. I miss him so much.

July:

"Sometimes I amaze myself. Not in the way like, "Oh I am so amazing!" Or anything.

It just amazes me...how easily I forget that GOD is ALWAYS on my side. That he loves me and has a plan for me. It makes me so mad that I forget that I have him to turn to when I am feeling inferior. He knows what he is doing. I am not going to lead an ordinary life. I refuse." -I had to put this up. I wrote this in July and I think I needed to be reminded of that again.

July was ok. I worked. I went to Wisconsin with my Dad a couple of times. We discovered the renaissance faire.

It was kind of a boring month.

Huzzah.

August:

Same as July. But then I went to Florida and hung out with my family there. I did next to nothing the whole time I was there and I relished every minute of it.

September:

When I came back to Indiana I went back to work for a week and then that weekend was probably the worst weekend I have ever had. I was having a horrible time breathing. I was dizzy. I was wheezing. I threw up phlem. It was sooo darn scary. On Sunday morning I got in the car. I wasn't sure if I should drive myself to church or the hospital (or the gas station to get chocolate.) I didn't make it anywhere. I ended up laying in my car for hour. That's how weak I was. Finally in the afternoon I ended up talking to Emily's mom and she said she would take me to the doctor. (My dad wouldn't because...well he thought it was just another cold that I got from working at the daycare...but I could totally tell it was worse than that.)

Mrs. McGrath took me to the hospital. I was admitted to Porter Memorial with double phnemonia. It was so weird because I had never been admitted in the hospital. I got well enough to go home after four days. I was still feeling like crap though. I did pretty much nothing for four days and then that following thursday I went back to work...even though I still felt like crap. For like two weeks after that I still felt the symptoms. It was not fun.

I got really depressed about the hospital bills...and other stuff.

October:

Was the month of Brooke White and Wisconsin stuff. I drove to Gurnee and went to Great America. I drove to Lake Geneva. It was great. But kinda nerve racking. Because my car is old.

November:

Dad and I got in a fight. I moved in with Emily for awhile. Then I moved into an apartment that was vacant. It was kinda cool. But kinda creepy living alone. Kenny wasn't even with me. That was a dark month. But I did decide to go to school.

Thanksgiving I had the worst case of the stomach flu...like ever. I can never eat chili again. :(

December:

I moved out of the apartment. I quit my job and went back to the Imax. It's so weird. It feels unreal. Viv came to visit.

Not much else to say but that I found out whats real and whats not.

OVERALL:

2009 I learned some necassary lessons about money, working, and stuff. It has really been a crappy year. But at least I learned stuff.

Like that no matter what people say or do for you, God is always the only one I can depend on. I've decided that I want a job that I can work alone in...just be responsible for myself. I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I am going to try harder to stick up for myself and not be so passive.

To be honest, I am really having a hard time. My heart is aching. I'm hurt. I am trying to trust and believe but it is SO hard. I believe God has something better for me and that he knows what he's doing. I just need to trust in him to take care of me. He always has and he always will.

Here's to 2010. Hopefully it doesn't suck as bad as 2009.