My Declaration

I'm stuck. I want to move forward but I think the clock has stopped ticking. Every second is torture. Every minute feels like a day. Waiting for this ever growing feeling of unpleasantness to fade. Waiting for things to be the way they were. The clock is broken. Time is decelerating. I'm longing. I feel alone.

Then You whisper my name. You remind me that you're by my side.

You're behind me. Covering me. Protecting me. Walking with me. I long to know you more.You long for me to love you. You dont need me to need you. You want me to need you. You want me to look to you in my hardest tribulations.

It's an endless cycle. I'm circling around with these ups and downs and its making me afflicted. I need to get off the train. I want to surrender. I want to walk with you constantly and not forget who you are. I need to give you all of me. I can't hold back.

I don't need religion. I don't need a spiritual expirience.

I need your prescence. I need you.

I don't need human love and validation.

I need your love.

I don't need things.

I need your word.

There is so much this world has to offer.

I don't need it, I don't want it.

I need You, God.

I need YOU to direct my path.

Help me make decisions.

Help me live for you.

Even when it hurts.

Even when its not what I want.

Help me live for you.

I give you my heart.

I give you my life.

I'm offering everything.

In Jesus's name. Amen.

It would be so much easier to quit. 

It would be so much easier to hide and run away from my problems. 

It would be so much easier to be alone. 

I don't trust anyone. 

I don't even trust myself. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. 

It's sad that I was the forgotten one. Now that I think about it, it seems like that's always how it was. I was always the after thought. 

Too quiet and passive to be considered one of the group. Too quiet and passive for them to even know who I am. 

I am crazy and fun and random and spontaneous. 

I am an emotional, sensitive person that takes every careless word to heart and picks each one of them apart, running them over and over in my head until I can't do it anymore. 

I care alot about people. I try to make sure everyone feels loved and included. Even when I don't like someone I try to be kind. Even when people are mean to me and dont like me, I try to be kind. 

I have opinions. I have feelings. Just because I don't always speak my mind, doesn't mean I don't have one. 

I am comfortable with the way I live. Jeans and tshirts. Regular old shoes. I like the occasional necklace or pair of earings or nice shirt or cute shoes...but I'm pretty much a simple girl. I hate materialism...Yet I window shop. I look at all the useless items in useless stores and I get disgusted every time. I don't even know why I go to places like that...it just makes me sick. 

I want to help people. I want to see people. Not just walk down the street and pass them up without a thought. There are so many frowning angry sad lonely people out there and we can help just by making eye contact and smiling. Saying hello, how are you? 

Hearing how their day has been and really listening. 

Sometimes I think I've got it right...and then I see something in my life that I need to fix, that I need to work on. 

That's who I am...I've had a slight identity crisis since last year around this time. The hurt is still there. I'm up an down. I'm angry that I'm forgiving. I'm hurt and then I'm not. I'm inferior then superior. I can't take this anymore....

I hate this. 

Thoughts 12-4-2010

-I need a job.

-I've figured out that I'm going to just get an associates degree in general studies at Ivy Tech since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I want to work with kids but I don't want to be a teacher. I like writing but really don't want to be a journalism major. I like psychology but I don't want to be a psychologist.

- My dad is having surgery next thursday. He's going to be out of work for 6 weeks....I really, really need a job. So I can help out and buy groceries...and so we dont kill each other. 

- Vivvian and Emily are coming home soon! :)

- I miss Wisconsin already but don't miss certain aspects of it. I'm glad I moved back. I feel so much safer.

-I wish I could find a job exactly like my job at timber-lee. It would make life so much easier.

-I really don't like going to my church anymore. I was just there tonight. And I was just not connecting....and that makes me really sad.

-I don't miss my former church.

-I am really hoping to be able to go to school full time this semester.

-I don't want to be in a relationship for a looong time. I have a desire for it sometimes. But I am content being alone.

-I want to try a new church tomorrow morning.

-I wish I didn't have church issues.

- I need to clean my room. & I really need to clean my car,

- I miss my Wisconsin friends. But I'm soo thankful I have Adair Engel.

-I love the snow. I love winter. I wish I had a warmer winter coat. Some hats and gloves would be nice too....meh I will survive.

- I know God is in control and he has the plans for my life and all, but I feel like I'm floating in the air...only it's more like falling, like crashing, and I don't know when I'm going to safely land on the ground. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm going to pay for stuff. Cause I dont have a job. And I miss people. I want to be at a point where I am content. I have been wandering since 2008...I'm so confused about so many things.

-Christmas makes me happy but it also makes me disgusted in some ways.

-That is all. 

November 20th

I used to write songs...

I used to trust...

I used to not be so skeptical of everything

I used to be more passionate...

I dont know who I am anymore

I dont know who You are anymore.

I want to trust again

I want to grow

I want to move past all this

I want to know you

Last year someone that I used to be close with asked me what was wrong with me and what happened to the loveable kid that used to put prayer requests in for stray dogs.

I am not that kid anymore.

Too much has happened

With my parents.

With my church

With my faith

I've been through too much to stay the same as I once was.

But you know what, Im sick of this pity party.

It's been a continuous one since 2004

And Im done

Im ready to find myself again...

Only its not gonna be the same

Because everything Ive been through is only going to make me stronger

There is a change coming....

Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.

Oh Deer!

Funk

I'm feeling a little bit like a fraud. I don't know whats wrong with me these past few days. It's like the fact that I only have a couple of close friends left is hitting me. I miss the old days. I miss feeling like a part of something. My mini church is great but I realized...I'm sharing my private thoughts with people who don't even know me and most likely will not know me because the mini church is temporary. I feel like when I talk they don't get it. I just miss the old days.

Everything's changed. I am not questioning whether Gods real or not because I know He is....I just feel something very weird with Him. I can't explain it. Like I pray and read the bible but I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm not good enough. Which I know is ridiculous because I know that theres nothing I can do to make him love me more.

I just don't know whats wrong with me....

Letting Go

 Letting go-Its easier said than done. It's a process. Suppressed memories come back and then come new perspectives. 

It's hard to truly let something go when you let it be your first priority. 

It's like, we call on anything BUT God for help when we are hurting. We go to music, alcohol, sleeping pills, and people. 

When in the background God is gently saying, "Call on me!" 

I've changed my priorities and the Lord will continue help me to process and let things go that I never even knew I held on to.  

I havent been doing much lately. Going to school, babysitting, and working. But there's periods where I dont do anything for days. And I love it. I think its to make up for my lack of rest for nine months. I am still dealing with replaying things that happened in my head over and over again. It hurts either way I look at it. And then there's times that I wonder if I was the problem. Self-doubt. But no, I know that I did my best there and I've tried to talk with the people that have hurt me and it didnt work. I've done all that I can do. I just want to be over it. I want to fast forward to a time in the future that I don't care anymore. 

I know thins is going to be harder than most of the things I've dealt with. This is up there with my mom leaving and my dad's hooker situation. I was hurt by people that I trusted and grew up with. It's going to take some time. 

I am the type of person that invests herself in things so much that when something happens it hurts me deeply. 

I dont know what I did wrong. I dont know why they thought it was ok to treat my friend the way they did and then expect me to take their side. I dont know why they think it's ok to treat people like they do because they're in leadership at the church.

They were such a big part of my life and to be ignored and blindsided just ruins every great memory I had with them. 

I need to forgive. I need to heal. I need some prayer. Please. Whoever reads this. 

Today

13 hours ago I did something that will change my life forever. I finally officially committed to the church I have been attending for two years now, Faith Church in Dyer, Indiana. Faith is larger church and they are a part of the reformed church of america, which is a big change from the denomination I was raised in. One thing I have learned though is, where you go to church and what denomination it is doesn't matter as much as whether or not you are being fed and growing.

Faith church has become such a special place in my heart and I am proud to call it my home. I know God has some great things in store for me. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't know exactly which direction my life is going but all I can do is stay true to who I am, do what is right, and trust in Him.

I so look forward to growing there, meeting some people my own age and growing with them (once my thursday night class ends so I can finally go to Catalyst), and getting plugged in a ministry. I'm really thinking about volunteering in Treasureland because I miss babies!!! I miss little ones so much. I don't regret quitting the day care because I was literally going insane there but I do miss being around kids.

Meanwhile, as I go through this dry period, I speaking truth against the enemies lies and living my life so I glorify the Lord.

So....life.

Life is interesting. You think you know people, and the you find out you don't know a thing about them.

You think one thing is the right direction for your life, and then you find out it's not.

I never thought I would go to college. I NEVER thought I would be going to college. It was just something that I wasn't interested in. But then I started working at Sonshine and I realized that there's no way I could be there or any other place like that for the rest of my life. I didn't get that great of grades in high school...but I think this will be different. I can just feel it. I'm going to go to the campus to study on days that I'm not working. (That way I don't get distracted.) I can get tutoring if neccasary. They have a free gym at the campus. It is just so weird how everything worked out.

I was in a situation where I felt stuck, I was overworked. I was stressed out ALL the time. There was no way that I could have worked at the daycare and keep up with school. No way. The week before I quit I cried out to God on my break one afternoon. I told Him that I didn't like the way my life was going and etc.. and I just felt like something was coming. And all the steps were so easy... 

So yeah, I am back at the Imax. It is so weird. Nothing has changed much. I still do most of the work. But I like working with some of the people. I have hope for them. I just hope that I can be a light. I don't want my sour expiriences with Christians make me sour. I want to move past all the crap in my past... I am becoming a member of my church on January 13th (my birthday). I have high hopes.

I have many different groups of friends from various churches/ministries. Lately I feel like an odd duck...that I don't fit in anywhere. Maybe thats what a year of being on your own does to you. You get inside yourself. I don't mind it really but sometimes I miss feeling like a part of something.

Updates and Stuff

went back to work today. it was kind of low in numbers. thank God.

I am sleepy.

I am kind of watching greys anatomy. George is dead. that is sad. I cried. And then I laughed. The funniest scene of Greys anatomy is also the saddest.

I work 7-6 tommorow. Fun. :)

I should really go to bed.

I am going to campus life on monday. bittersweet.

trying not to be really really sad. i dont know what is wrong with me.

Today I was driving to the Valparaiso hospital to get an x-ray.

The leaves are changing. Last year and years before that I would be happy. Not this time.

I looked at the changing leaves and they didn't bring me any joy at all.

What are you supposed to do when you find out that former friends lied to you most of the time?

People should be telling me "I told you so". I feel like an idiot.

Was it even real?

A friendship based on lies? Was it even a real friendship?

I just got out of the hospital for phnemonia two days ago. I am currently in the worst mood. I don't feel good. I am probably going to have a bunch of bills to pay soon and I really, really, really don't want to go back to work. I have a headache just thinking about it. I feel like crying. I don't know what I am doing with my life. I don't know where I am going. I know I am over working myself but I can't do anything about that. People just don't understand. I am so stressed out. I just want to go away. Far, far away. It would be nice to be a little kid again, shielded from the real world. But here I am, and I don't know what to do.

Gosh this week has been rough. I wish the weekend could last forever.

I am going to stay as far away from people as I can.

This week was SO stressful at work. It felt like every day was 17 years. No joke.

& It does not help that for the past two or three days I have been unexplainably emotional.

Today I was out with the three to five year olds at recess. I finally started to cry....and of course the kids then decide they all want a drink of water...So it went kind of like this.

Kid: Miss Noelle, I'm thiiiirsty!

Me: Hold on. (Through a sob..)

It's really not the kids that make me so stressed out. It's the inconsistancy. Sometimes I feel like a bouncy ball. It's making me crazy. Ask Shannah...

 I love all of the kids. There's a special few that I have really bonded with. So much that when I clock out I stay anyway just to spend time with them.

Working with kids is a possible career choice I think....I don't know what age group, Maybe some kids who don't wet themselves. :)

Get Out Of This Town

My dad and I agreed on one thing. We're both miserable. And I hate feeling this way. Something has to change. Maybe it's Florida. Hopefully I'll get a job in Wisconsin. Today he read my thoughts exactly. He said, "Sometimes I just want to throw my clothes in the car and drive away." I think I'm going to do it. Not for a long period of time...of course. Just for tonight. 

yrics:
Got it all figured out inside of my head
There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
You say the word, baby I'm all set
We'll cover our tracks, tell a couple white lies
Make sure we got a good alibi
And by the time they catch on, we'll be outta their sight
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Don't need directions, don't need a map
If we get lost I'll be good with that
Yeah we'll find a way to make the time pass
Window rolled down with the heat on high
Stars all aligned in a runaway sky
Holding my hand as the miles roll by
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

If we leave tonight and drive fast enough
All of our troubles will be just like us
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Yeah, let's just get out of this town
Let's get out of this town tonight
Yeah, we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Thoughts 11-15-08

This has been the worst week. I'm not going to explain everything because I don't want to but I have just been so down because:

1.) That dumb lady from New York who said

a.) that I am not a go-getter

b.) I'm not a hardworker

c.) no wonder I haven't found a job yet.

d.) she can see me working at mcdonalds and can I please supersize her fries for her?

And you know what? I know her words mean nothing seeing as she does not know me but they did hurt. It was like Satan himself was writing to me because I know none of that is true and Satan has been feeding me the same lies to me for a long time now.I keep trying to think of who God says I am and I keep trying to think of the future and the amazing purpose he has in store for me. It's like I'm having an inward tug of war. Some days I feel like nothing. I feel like I am running around in aimless directions while everyone else has some kind of ambition. And then other days, I'm inspired because I know God has something great for me. It's just really hard.

2.) Honor Academy- I am still having bad dreams about that place. I just had one last night. I went back to visit or something (I have no idea why I would do that) and then I ended up being forced to stay there. I wish I could have peace about all that. It's become such a big part of my life. I KNOW I wasn't supposed to be there. I just know it. I wish my freaking subconcious would leave me alone.

3.) Lonliness sucks. But Shannah has been so great to me this week. I've seen her more this week than in a long time. Tuesday, Wed, and Yesterday. I was really upset about something yesterday...I'm thinking I was just way overemotional yesterday because I cried over the "Christmas Shoes" song and I've heard that song about a million times. We got chinese food and she let me tell her all my problems...even though she's heard them all before. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without my sister.

4.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all. Rant over.

So I miss xanga. I was reading all my posts from never_let_go33 or whatever the site's name was and I really miss the way I used to blog. I found a poem I wrote about Meat. Those were such good days. I was at VCC. It was sophmore year and nothing was really going wrong in my life.

I feel like I am wandering around aimlessly in circles...alone. And does anyone understands how that makes someone feel? No. So it's harder to relate to friends and people in your life and then you end up saying something or doing something that upsets the person. Well in my case that's what I've done. I feel so incredibly disconnected from the world that was mine only two months ago.  My heart aches for the way it was. And I really don't think I can take it anymore. I need something to change. I'm going to save money so I can eventually move to Wisconsin and just start a new life.

And I normally don't mind being alone. Usually I like it. But that's how I've been lately and to be honest, I'm sick of it. And that's why I am really thinking of buying a kitten next time I have enough money. Dad can just deal with it. He's got his hooker girlfriend to deal with and I don't have anyone.

I have been able to talk to Katie Engel alot though. She's become a good friend. We enjoy ranting on each other. And Emily has been great through all this. =) Adair is there too but she has school and new friends and I understand that she can't always be there to hear my rants...

But yeah, I think I'm ready to go back to VCC. I miss Christy and other people. At Faith I didn't know anyone at all. Except for Marilyn...Oh yeah! Marilyn has been great! We totally relate to each other. Except sometimes she oversteps her boundries as a mother. I have a mother. Her name is Mary Ann and I love her even though she kinda drives me nuts.

Rant over.