Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Timber-lee Garbage Cans/Thoughts


Note: This is my assignment I was supposed to do for Lindsay like 6 months ago. Haha.  A story about an object or creature. It had to take place at Timber-lee and needed to be a fable. I don’t really know if this is exactly a fable. (And really...its not good. hahah) But its based off of what I was thinking about today.
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After being dumped in all morning by a mob of sticky fingered, snot nosed, children the crowd finally died down. The girls that stood behind me took a break to eat breakfast and soon after I knew what would happen. They would come by, dragging Bertha, and then the cups, and then the silverware away. I didn’t bother saying goodbye; I’d see them in three hours.
Sometimes I was taken straight back to the dumpster. Today it wasn’t just me that needed to be dumped, Charlie needed to go out too. The girl that normally takes me out back got distracted by other things and we were forgotten, yet again, the bags of wasted apples, biscuits, sausage patties, and other cumbersome breakfast items were heavy and I was ready for them to be out.
After quite some time, Charlie and I were dragged out the double doors. To my dismay, Charlie was taken first and in the process I was spun around and faced my reflection for the first time. I gazed at myself and was dismayed at my appearance. My lid was dark and slightly ajar, there were stains from this breakfast and previous meals smeared on my front, and my name was scrawled crooked. Roscoe was fading.
Suddenly I felt an overwhelming feeling of self-pity and uselessness wash over me. I watched the tables get washed each day, when I wasn’t facing the wall that is. The cups, the cup wracks, the silverware cart, and the tray cart came back after each meal, clean and rejuvenated. I was given evidence of how I was always the forgotten one.  Bitterness crept into my heart as I thought of those that had it better off than I did, getting washed five times a day and how my sole purpose was to contain people’s rejected meals. Why couldn’t I have a better purpose?
I stewed in my pool of negativity as the empty Charlie was returned, and I was emptied and brought back only for the endless cycle to contain. We were both taken back in and she put new white bags. Then she darted off and Roscoe and I were left alone to talk about the morning. (Salvador was there too, but he is mute.) Before I had the chance to pour my bitter thoughts out on him he said something.
“I want to share something with you Roscoe. This morning while you were being taken to the dumpster, I saw my reflection for the first time.”
I wanted to interrupt with my own thoughts but something inside me stopped to listen.

“I was thinking about how we don’t have the tidiest and most fun job out of all the things in the dining rooms.” Charlie sighed, “But if we didn’t exist; if we were, say, a table instead of a trashcan, there would be no place for the kids to throw their trash away and the whole place would be a mess. Everybody has a purpose, Roscoe.” (The End)

Random possibly unrelated thoughts:
I don’t like what Im doing right now. I am exhausted with both of my jobs. I have never felt more distant with everyone that’s in my life, no matter how close I am to them geographically. I haven’t been writing. I feel stuck. And it’s tiring…I want to quit so bad.
But I know there’s a reason I am where I am. And there is a reason I am going through what I am going through. It sucks. But I am going to use it to give God glory. Or try my hardest to do that. I am not giving up.
That is all.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Thoughts 12-4-2010


-I need a job.
-I've figured out that I'm going to just get an associates degree in general studies at Ivy Tech since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I want to work with kids but I don't want to be a teacher. I like writing but really don't want to be a journalism major. I like psychology but I don't want to be a psychologist.
- My dad is having surgery next thursday. He's going to be out of work for 6 weeks....I really, really need a job. So I can help out and buy groceries...and so we dont kill each other. 
- Vivvian and Emily are coming home soon! :)
- I miss Wisconsin already but don't miss certain aspects of it. I'm glad I moved back. I feel so much safer.
-I wish I could find a job exactly like my job at timber-lee. It would make life so much easier.
-I really don't like going to my church anymore. I was just there tonight. And I was just not connecting....and that makes me really sad.
-I don't miss my former church.
-I am really hoping to be able to go to school full time this semester.
-I don't want to be in a relationship for a looong time. I have a desire for it sometimes. But I am content being alone.
-I want to try a new church tomorrow morning.
-I wish I didn't have church issues.
- I need to clean my room. & I really need to clean my car,
- I miss my Wisconsin friends. But I'm soo thankful I have Adair Engel.
-I love the snow. I love winter. I wish I had a warmer winter coat. Some hats and gloves would be nice too....meh I will survive.
- I know God is in control and he has the plans for my life and all, but I feel like I'm floating in the air...only it's more like falling, like crashing, and I don't know when I'm going to safely land on the ground. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm going to pay for stuff. Cause I dont have a job. And I miss people. I want to be at a point where I am content. I have been wandering since 2008...I'm so confused about so many things.
-Christmas makes me happy but it also makes me disgusted in some ways.
-That is all. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thoughts From A Long Day


I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.
This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.
I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.
I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.
Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.
I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....
I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...
I have so much to do in this life.
And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.
If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....
I need to surrender everything to Him.
I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!
I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.
I need to stop being so selfish.
..........
That is all. I need sleep.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Thoughts 9-26-10



So I've been living in Wisconsin for nearly four months now. I can no longer sing the "I'm living in Wisconsin...but only in my mind." song. It's so weird. I love it....it's just weird not having a place to go to get away from it all...I guess that that is home now. Weird.

Overall, I'm happy that I've moved.

Life is good here. I live two miles away from Timber-lee with a family that decided they trusted me enough to reside in their basement. I work four days a week and have the weekends off. I found a church that I really like. (Lake Land Community Church)  I have friends that are not too far from me.

It was a really hard transition at first. I don't know. I think it might help that I'm going home next weekend until Monday. I miss Dad, Shannah, J, and Adair sooo much but there's just nothing in that town for me except the job at the movie theater (bleh), a bunch of painful memories, and the horrifying chance that I will run into people that I am not prepared to see. (And that alwaysssss happens...because it's Portage and the only things to do are go to the movies, and walk around wal-mart...)

These last couple of months have taught me a lot about God and about life and friends...and relationships.

-God is so amazing. I feel like I'm learning more about Him every day. I can't really explain more than that.
-Life is funny...it's good...but it's hard. And the only time that it's gonna stop being hard is when I'm in Heaven. I've realized here, that there is nothing that can satisfy me. I always thought (or hoped) that once I moved to Wisconsin things would be sooo much better. And they are but life is still hard. My problems are still my problems there's just a change of scenery and I'm further away from my family. Nothing will satisfy..all my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life here...they don't mean a thing. I don't know what career I might choose. And I don't think it really matters...as long as I serve the Lord with my whole heart and live for Him...and be a witness to people. I could die tomorrow, without filling my dreams of getting married and having kids, and I would be fine with that.
-So after I graduated high school and all my friends left for college I don't think I've ever felt so lonely. And soon that loneliness became a normal thing. And I got used to it. I didn't need people. But it was cool when I did see them. Well, I went into Camp Timber-lee not really knowing what was going to happen but just happy that I would be getting out of my town for the summer and in Wisconsin for three months. I realized how much I missed having people around me. For the past two years I've always thought of myself as such an independent. Like...I could live by myself forever and it would matter to me...But I don't feel that way anymore. I realized how much I need people to be there for me, to hold, to love, the laugh with, and to build me up when I'm down. And I'm so blessed that God brought these people into my life. I can't imagine life without them now.
-Relationships. So this summer I almost got into something with a guy and I am so glad I didn't.  I realized what I want in a relationship and what I do not want. I'm not going to date just to date. When I decide to date someone it's going to be because I KNOW that he is someone that I can spend the rest of my life with forever. ( I've probably said this before...but it's different when you actually have the option of being with someone that you like too...) But yeah... I'm just waiting until God brings the right guy into my life...And when he does...I'll know. I think. Until then I'm content.

But yeah...thats my thoughts on this Sunday morning. God is good. Life is good. And now I really need to go and get ready for church. haha.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Thoughts 5-22-10


I miss babies. They're so innocent and love you despite your flaws.
10 days and I will be in East Troy, WI working at Timber-lee.
When I come home in August/September many things will change. :/
I miss Hayward.
I want a basset hound.
I am going to miss my cat so much while I'm gone.
I was a bad girl today and had two glasses of coca cola. Big glasses.
I know this is weird, but I still miss the hospital.
Lost is ending tommorow. That makes me kinda sad.
I hate Facebook so much.
The hurt I am feeling is rightful and I know the only way I am going to get through it is with the Lord's help.
Worship music is relaxing.
My cat stinks.
I cant do it without God. It would be impossible.

That is all.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Passion


(A writing prompt prompted this.)
Passion can be a deep true love for someone or something. Passion leads to devotion. Passion can make you feel ambitious and brave. It makes you persevere. It flows from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.Sometimes it makes you do things that aren't considered normal. Dangers of passion: Sometimes you neglect  your family or friends for your passion.
I wish I had more passion. I wish I had something that made me excited to wake up in the morning. I can think of a couple things that should make me passionate. However, it feels like Im sinking into myself and Im slowly losing everything that I once was passionate about.I'm starting to be more and more apathetic each day...
I need this to change. Like now.
That is all.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


I had a really strange dream last night. I don't remember alot of the details. I just remember kissing some guy, like making out with him...I think.  (Which I am totally not going to do until I am at least engaged!) And I knew it wasn't good. I didn't know who he was but he wasn't a christian. It felt good. And when I woke up I was mad because I didn't want the dream to end.
I think interpretation to this has has a few obvious meanings. (You gotta love the subconcious...)
I really like this guy at work...and I know it can never happen because he isn't in my moral leage. But still, I look forward to seeing him...think about him alot...etc. It's not good. I don't want to get myself in trouble, but at the same time, it's SO exciting to like someone....I havent liked someone in sooo long. I mean REALLY like someone.
And another thing- I really want to be in a relationship-finally! Im Noelle, no relationship, no conflict girl. I always talk about how I never want to get married. But I do. Or at least right now, I want to just go on a date. Feel awkward. Hold hands. Be cute!
But yeah that was a weeeird dream and I feel bad for having it even though I didn't even do anything.
And oh by the way, working at the daycare makes me completely excited to be a mom one day. I love the kids. All of them. Even the ones that constantly try my patience. That was random...ok. Im done

Thursday, March 5, 2009


I loooooooove 50 degrees so much. I feel ill. I saw people today. Dustin specifically. I havent seen him in so long and that made me smile. I miss last year. I miss Whitney. I miss Lindsay. I miss Jakob. I always thought we'd keep in better touch. But we didnt. And that sucks.
Tomorrow I work 5-1 usher. That is yucky.
Saturday is Marks going away party.
Sunday I am going to church and than going out to lunch with Jenny. That is cool. After that I'm going to work concession. 3-9 which is even more yucky.
Monday is an employee meeting, and that scares the crap out of me because I have no idea whats going on.
Wed. I work 1-6 usher. And that isnt as yucky.
And then I will start it all over again.
I'm listening to Carrie Underwood right now. "I Know You Won't" That song makes me blue.
I really need to clean my car out.
I have to use the potty.
Goodbye.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Yeah, so I've just really moved on with my life in a lot of different ways. I dont miss it anymore. I don't miss my friends who are away as much as I did at first.The bottom line is, as horrible as it sounds, I just don't care anymore. I'm ready to move on. I'm going to save money for a year or two and then move to Wisconsin...I'm thinking way up north by Chris and Debbie. (They live near Hayward). I also really like Deluth, MN. It's right by Lake Superior and it is beautiful. Marilyn and I were talking about how natural and beautiful it is up there. (Hayward, not Deluth) It's like untouched. Some people call that the middle of nowhere but I honestly think that life was meant to be taken slow and not so rush-rush-stress...you know? Probably not. It's so hard to describe. I wish I could put it into words...I wish I could capture the feeling. I wish I was there right now. My heart just aches for it.
And before I thought maybe if I moved to Wisconsin that I would miss it here. I think that's changed. Well, except for Christy and VCC...I'd miss the church...but yeah, I'd find another church I like. I found Faith Church in those hard times I had last year. I mean don't get me wrong. I still love everyone that is in my life. I just need to start new and far away...and be my own boss. I'm so sick of people telling me what to do...and where I should be.
I need to be independent...on my own...and then I can marry a lumberjack.

Sunday, November 23, 2008



I've decided to move to Florida in December...looks like everyone's getting what they want.


So I miss school. Rhonda talked me into taking a class or two next semester. I think I'm going to do it...even if it's online. I love Rhonda. She's my favorite. Scrapbooking was fun...even though I definatly didnt scrapbook anything. haha. I just made food, helped with random things, and talking to Katie online about Thanksgiving, Wisconsin, and Mr. Kretz. Good times. I have so many story ideas in my head. I found free creative writing courses online- there's no college credit or anything but it should be cool. I'm gonna do it right now. I think I'm gonna pull an all-nighter tonight and go to church tommorow. That seems like the only way to fix my bad sleeping pattern I've become accustomed to.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Thoughts 11-15-08


This has been the worst week. I'm not going to explain everything because I don't want to but I have just been so down because:
1.) That dumb lady from New York who said
a.) that I am not a go-getter
b.) I'm not a hardworker
c.) no wonder I haven't found a job yet.
d.) she can see me working at mcdonalds and can I please supersize her fries for her?
And you know what? I know her words mean nothing seeing as she does not know me but they did hurt. It was like Satan himself was writing to me because I know none of that is true and Satan has been feeding me the same lies to me for a long time now.I keep trying to think of who God says I am and I keep trying to think of the future and the amazing purpose he has in store for me. It's like I'm having an inward tug of war. Some days I feel like nothing. I feel like I am running around in aimless directions while everyone else has some kind of ambition. And then other days, I'm inspired because I know God has something great for me. It's just really hard.
2.) Honor Academy- I am still having bad dreams about that place. I just had one last night. I went back to visit or something (I have no idea why I would do that) and then I ended up being forced to stay there. I wish I could have peace about all that. It's become such a big part of my life. I KNOW I wasn't supposed to be there. I just know it. I wish my freaking subconcious would leave me alone.
3.) Lonliness sucks. But Shannah has been so great to me this week. I've seen her more this week than in a long time. Tuesday, Wed, and Yesterday. I was really upset about something yesterday...I'm thinking I was just way overemotional yesterday because I cried over the "Christmas Shoes" song and I've heard that song about a million times. We got chinese food and she let me tell her all my problems...even though she's heard them all before. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without my sister.
4.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all. Rant over.

Saturday, November 1, 2008


It is November 1st. I love November. But not as much as I love October. Fall is going to be over soon...and Christmas time will be coming. WLIT isn't playing Christmas music for another two and a half weeks and to be honest, I'm not really all that sad about it. I'm just not in Christmas mode yet. I will be by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.
Tomorrow I am going to the cat society. =)

Monday, October 15, 2007

thoughts 10-15-07


wisconsin dells was amazing
turkey run was awesome
I think I know what I want to do after high school
campus life is tonight
I can't wait for Go Mad
Delta Goodrem has failed me
Jack is not Jack
My dreams are funny and their interpretations are VERY true.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


I hate being scared.
and being in the center of attention
and the phrase "ignorance is bliss."

Edit: But if you think about it, ignorance is bliss. I think I would have much rather enjoyed walking around all normal thinking nothing was wrong with me than be worrying if another ciezure or fainting was going to occur. My dentist and friend, Dr. Garza said that when something is wrong she wants to know right away and she wants people to tell her everything. I don't know if I can agree with her anymore. I hate worrying about me 24/7 which is what I'm doing know. I had bad dreams all night and woke up at 4 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. It's now 5:19 a.m. and I'm already halfway done getting ready for school.
I don't understand this, God!

So Close

So close, I believe

You’re holding me now

In Your hands I belong
You’ll never let me go

I’m so secure

You’re here with me
You stay the same

Your love remains here in my heart


You gave Your life

And Your endless love

You set me free

And showed the way

And now I am found


All along you were beside me
Even when I couldn’t tell
Through the years
You showed me more of You
More of You

Thursday, March 29, 2007

March 29, 2007


yeah, my dad dropped me off at the mall so I could look at a few things and when I entered the store Claire's I started to feel REALLY dizzy but didn't realize that something was wrong until I woke up on a strechter with and EMT woman next to me. I asked,"What happened?"
She goes,"You had a seizure and passed out. We're taking you to the emergency room."
She was really nice and so was the doctor and everyone I delt with. I'm going to have to have a sleeping EPG or something like that where they keep me up all night and then test me while I'm sleeping. I feel fine. I'm just kinda scared because I have NEVER been a patient in the hospital.
Anway here's a bunch of pictures:
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The Janesville Woodman's...oooh creepy.
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Willard Woodman! The founder of Woodman's!
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Pretty sign.
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Nice place...
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Me about to fall down ice skating.
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Pretty place.
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Me hugging a tree.
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Dad: "Quit taking my picture!"
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Freaky.
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Dad pumping gas in Portage, WI
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That was fun.
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Me saying," Yeah fool, that was a fun ride."
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A tourist trap.
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Sunset Secound night.
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Our secound hotel. The bed was SO uncomfortable.
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I love the dells.
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So pretty.
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Those were fun. It's a boat and a car type vehicle. It's hard to exsplain.
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Me with my nurse and doctor. They were SO nice.
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Me with the bear/bunny. That one's for Adair! Haha.
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The inside of our third and nicest hotel.
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I loved the bed.
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Me in Lake Geneva
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I think they painted my future house...... It looks whiter.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


tomorrow is the start of an amazing expedition to Florida.(a.k.a 24 hours in an uncomfortable van.) Well actually Wedensday morning is. tommorow is actually the day we go to wisconsin. yeah wisconsin and mom...weird. It's a kinda me and my fathers sacred place but whatever but anyway since this is my last post until proboly friday I figure I should proboly write something all meaningful and philisophical(sp?).

Here we go: Eat cheese. Stay away from the broccoli. Always run around like a mad giraffe. Watch Robin Hood. Don't order the artichokes. Try not to run over any pigeons. Spend a nice day with your grandfather and play rummy.
That's all. For those of you do not attend my church I will see you in three weeks.