The kind one.

His kindness refreshed me.
Despite all the bad things that happened that summer.
Despite the fact that we don't speak anymore...
I will always remember summer of 2012 with mixed emotions.
He got me through an otherwise awful summer where my boss basically called me fat, where I was rejected AGAIN by the leadership at my place of work of three years, where I was isolated in a group of over 100 people, when I fought with two of my best friends, and when my group of friends went their separate ways.
His friendship that summer was refreshing and I loved having him as a friend.
His wisdom and his quiet demeanor blessed me.
Do I have regrets? Yes.
Do I wish that he was still in my life? Of course.
But sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a short time. To teach you a lesson maybe..or in this case, just to get you through an otherwise painful summer.
Thank you for that. I doubt you'll ever read this but if you do- thank you.

I Was Slow To Become Angry....

For a long time- probably most of my life I have been rather submissive. When someone wronged me I threw a pity party and let it happen.

I rarely fought back and if I did I normally would just go right back to letting the blame and self pity consume me. I've been passive, letting people mistreat me and walk all over me. I've abandoned situations where I've been wronged because it was easier to run away from it, easier to avoid arguments, easier to not fight.

I am SO done with that.

For my entire life I've counted all the ways I've been screwed over and almost let the dark side win in my life too many times to count. I can't hold onto that anymore. I am angry that I've let myself lose years of my adulthood being sad over the past, being sad over the many times I've been hurt and I can't waste another day.

This is my life. It's time to be assertive.

I've been so angry these past couple weeks and didn't really know what to do with it. It's started to affect my thoughts and turn back to that pathetic self-pity.

I'm done.

I will channel my anger into bettering my life.

I'm angry that I've let people make me feel inferior.
I'm angry that I've let people mistreat me for so long.
I'm angry that there's been times that I've felt so worthless and found life so pointless that there were days like last Wednesday when I heard the voice in the back of my head pushing me to end my life.

I am not done on this earth.
Whether my liver is stressed or if I need to have crazy oral surgeries because of my lack of dentist visits in the past 6 years...
Whether I end up alone with my friends all around me finding love and getting married and having babies...
Whether I ever overcome certain obstacles any time soon..
I am not done.
I am here.
I'm pissed and I'm taking back what has been stolen from me.
Peace.