2008

Here is my semi-traditional year wrap up. I thought I'd do it now because I need to keep my mind off Vivvian. We said good-bye this morning and my heart broke all over again. I'm going to miss her so much. I am so depressed now. I don't feel like doing anything. 

Ok, here we go: 

2008

January- My birthday party @ the Engels. Dinners with Shannah. 2nd Semester of my senior year started. I had a great schedule. I had lunch with Jakob and Maria and it was the best lunch ever even though half the time Jakob irritated the poop out of me. I got so much closer to him and Maria. It was amazing. There was also the ice skating with Campus Life student leaders which was memorable. =)

February-
Let's see there was winter weekend with cabin #5 haha poor man's Wisconsin. Um, I was still in my cookie making phase and the new VCC building opened that month. Not much else I can think of. 

March- 

Got accepted to the Honor Academy (barf), Candy entered my life (my dad's on and off hooker girlfriend), I started going to Faith church and took Korissa with me. Those were fun/awful days. Because I was hurt so much. I went to Adairs house alot. We played barbies too take out our anger on things. 

April-
Was very similar to March. I just went to church alot with Korissa and hung out with Adair all the time. Edmond and I got our purity rings w/ Aunt Mare at Faith Church. I currently have no idea where it is...only because its too big for me now...and always falls off my finger. 

May- 
Prom. Sunsets. Campus Life ending. Student leadership endeing. CLM ending.Track meets. Insanity. I loved last May but it was very emotional at the same time. Because everything was ending. Get off my bench day. I loved driving Jakob insane at lunch. It should have been one of my hobbies. haha. 

June- 
"Baby-sitting" Emily. haha. Last day of school. =( Graduation VIVVIAN! Stupidness. H's. Bananas in ears. Faith church w/ Korissa. Walks with Adair and her mom. Stupidness. 

July-
Florida. Finding out Honor Academy in Minnesota was shut down and stupidly deciding to go to Texas. "Going Away Party" (Even though I was only gone for 8 days it was very special and emotional that night because I thought I wasnt going to see anyone until freaking Christmas) Wisconsin. 

August- 
Saying goodbye to people. Hard. Honor Academy=death. Travis. Greyhound bus. Going home. The begin of finding a job. Living with the Engels.Adair went off to college.

September-
Moved in with Aunt Mare to find jobs in Munster. Babysitting for Claire!!! (I miss her so much!!!) Halloween stores. The flood. My kitty. The humane society. 

October-
Fall colors! TELETMARKETING!!!! BLAAAAAAAH! Going home FINALLY. More fall colors. Poor man's wisconsin w/ Aunt Mare. Loneliness. Searching for more jobs in Portage. Apple Orchard. My friendship with Katie began. Goats. 

November- 
Changes in friendships. Movies.Suckiness. Emily. Thanksgiving sucked. Finally got my laptop. Zoo tycoon w/ Emily. Whitehorse. Confusion. More fall colors. The end of fall colors. Spontaneous trips to Wisconsin. Scrapbooking.

December-
Falling in love with Barnes, WI all over again. Insanity w/ Aunt Mare aka my wemanise. More changes. Finally got a job. Emily. VIVVIAN. Not being into Christmas. Justin. Pretending everythings just fine (basicly being fake) Christmas suckishness. Starting job...and I dont know whats gonna happen in the next week So we'll see. 

ABC's of Me

A

- Available: not really

- Age: 18

- Annoyance: um being woken up early

- Animal: cats

- Actor: Denzel Washington

B

- Book: Bad Connection

- Birthday: Jan 13th

- Best friends:

- Brand of cell phone: nokia t-mobile

- Body part of opposite gender: hair, eyes

- Best feeling in the world— being with people that I love

- Blind or deaf: I'd choose blind. I couldnt live with out music.

- Been in love: no

- Been on stage: yeah

- Believe in Ghosts/ spirits: no ghosts. holy spirit.

- Believe in Evolution: no

C

- Car: I dont care. As long as it runs and gets me to wisconsin

- Crush: "I'm crushing your head. Crushing your head!"

- Candy: ew

- Cd: Wide Eyed, In This Life

- Color: I dont care.

- Cried in school: multiple times

- Chocolate/ vanilla: Chocolate

- Chinese/Mexican: food? chinese.

- Country to visit: Italy, Austraila, England

D

- Days of the week: I like Mondays. Yay One Tree Hill.

- Diamonds or Pearls: I think diamonds are prettier. But I dont really care...

- Dream car: Porsche- um, a new one that has good gas mileage?

- Dance in the rain: Havent done that in years.

E

- Easiest person to talk to: Um, I dont know. I feel like I have to be careful of what I say to every person I talk to.

- Eggs: come from chickens, and other versions of poultry

- Eyes: help people see things

- Everyone has to: go fly a kite.

F

- Favorite month: October.

- First Crush: Anthony Hatfield. lol.

- First thoughts wakiing up: Vivvian, get off of me.

- Food: is good.

- Full Name: Noelle Joi Clairissa Stein Curran

G

- Graduated: june 8, 08

- Greatest Fear: That I wont make a difference.

- Giver or Taker: Giver.

- Gum: is ok

- Get along w/ your parents: no comment

- Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears

H

- Hair Color: Brownish

- Height: 5’ 10 ish

- Happy: is a good feeling?

- How do you want to die?: not painfully

- Hate: is safer than love. (that was the first thing that came to mind)

- Hugs or Kisses: hugs are cool

I

- Ice Cream: is ok

- Instrument: basoon

- Insecurity: sucks

J

- Jail: would totally suck

- Jewelry: is stupid

- Job: somewhere in wisconsin

K

- Karma- doesnt exsist

- Kids: are cool

- Kickboxing: is cool for people who like kickboxing

- Keep a journal: yes

L

- Last Kiss- n.a

- Love: covers a multitude of sins

- Letter: Z!

- Lipstick or Lipgloss: neither

- Lion or Lamb: lambs are cuter

- Laughed so hard you cried: um never

- Longest car ride : to Florida

- Love at first sight: no

M

- Mooned anyone: no

- Most missed memory: lake geneva, 2006

- Marriage: would be nice one day, if I meet the right person

- Motion: ?

- McD’s or BK: McD's

- Morning or Night: Night

N

- Number of Siblings: 2

- Number of Piercings: 2

- Number of toes: 27

- Number of Tattoos: never

- Nickname: um, idk. too many

O

- Overused Phrases: lately: "I've got so many problems."

- One wish: to move to Wisconsin

- One Phobia: arachnophobia-phobia. hahah

- One Regret: being so passive

P

- Place you’d like to live: Wisconsin

- Perfect pizza: Caponies

- Pepsi/ Coke: Dr. Pepper

- Pets: none

- Pet Peeves: idk

- Part of your appearance you like best: my eyes

- Part of Personality: um, Im nice.

Q

- Quote: "I've got so many problems" "Nothing that can't be solved by staring at a lake."

- Quick or slow: slow

- Questionarres: are cool when you are bored

R

- Reason to cry: death, and sad things

- Reason to smile: um because Jesus loves you

- Reality T.V.: American Idol

- Radio Station: 105.3 the fish. =)

- Roll your tongue in a circle: thats fun

S

- Shoe Size: 11

- Salad dressing: peppercorn ranch

- Slept outside: yeah

- Seen a dead body: yes

- Skinny dipped: no

- Shower daily: yeah

- Sing well: mhm

- Stuffed animals: I love my monkey

- Sports: are cool for people who like sports

- Song last heard: Lost- Faith Hill

- Season: Fall

- Shoes: Whatever is at payless

- Single or Group Dates: i would probably like group dates...

- Strawberries/ blueberries: blueberries

- Sweet or salty: depends on my mood.

T

- Time you woke up: 9:00

- Time it is right now: 9:45

- Time you wish it was: 2010, maybe by then I'll be out of here.

- Time for bed: 2 or 3

- Thunderstorms: are cool sometimes

- TV: is a few feet away from me

- Touch your tongue to your nose: no

U

- Unpredictable: somewhat

- Under your bed: dont have an under the bed

V

- Vegetable that you despise:dont really have one

- Vacation Spot: WISCONSIN

- Voting: is a good thing

W

- When you grow up: i want to be far away from here

- Which one of your friends acts most like you?: noone

- Wish on stars: no

- Who makes you laugh the most: um...

- Worst feeling: chang

- Worst habit: um,

- Where are you going to travel to next: my grandparents to open gifts

- Worst weather: gloomy, rainy, cold fall days

X

- X-rays: help doctors see things

- X-cited: x

Y

- Year you were born: 1990

- Year it is now: 2008

- Yellow: bird

Z

- Zoo Animal: red panda

- Zodiac sign: horoscopes are stupid

LAST PERSON WHO…

1. Slept in a bed beside you: vivvian

2. Saw you cry: dad

3. You went to the mall with: i dont even remember

4. you went to dinner with: with shnnah

5. you talked to on the phone: shnnah

6. made you laugh: um, sandra bullock

Yeah, so I've just really moved on with my life in a lot of different ways. I dont miss it anymore. I don't miss my friends who are away as much as I did at first.The bottom line is, as horrible as it sounds, I just don't care anymore. I'm ready to move on. I'm going to save money for a year or two and then move to Wisconsin...I'm thinking way up north by Chris and Debbie. (They live near Hayward). I also really like Deluth, MN. It's right by Lake Superior and it is beautiful. Marilyn and I were talking about how natural and beautiful it is up there. (Hayward, not Deluth) It's like untouched. Some people call that the middle of nowhere but I honestly think that life was meant to be taken slow and not so rush-rush-stress...you know? Probably not. It's so hard to describe. I wish I could put it into words...I wish I could capture the feeling. I wish I was there right now. My heart just aches for it.

And before I thought maybe if I moved to Wisconsin that I would miss it here. I think that's changed. Well, except for Christy and VCC...I'd miss the church...but yeah, I'd find another church I like. I found Faith Church in those hard times I had last year. I mean don't get me wrong. I still love everyone that is in my life. I just need to start new and far away...and be my own boss. I'm so sick of people telling me what to do...and where I should be.

I need to be independent...on my own...and then I can marry a lumberjack.

Growing

I feel like I've grown a lot during these past months-even though most of the time I was miserable, I've learned so much. Sometimes our trials are what makes us a better person.

I have changed my views on a lot of stuff. I just feel weird about sharing it because I haven't told anyone. I don't know.

I've learned that the only one who is perfect and will not disappoint me is God. I know I've said that before I didn't really believe it. I didn't cling to it. I found comfort and love in people when I should have been ultimately looking to God. Because seriously, you never know when someone is going to leave you, or just simply be on a different walk in life...growing apart.

And I have so many dreams and visions about what I want to do and be in life. I have all these people telling me what I should and should not do. And who I am and who I can be...when Proverbs 16:9 says

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I need to really meditate on that. And believe it because I let myself get so discouraged because things dont go as planned....

I have more but I'm really tierd and somewhat uncomfortable. So I'm going to go.

 Gotta job. Yay. Start on Wed. (training) Thank God! A job where I don't have to annoy people/ change poopy diapers. Well, I talked to Christy about the daycare too. She said that I could maybe do some stuff for her in January. 10 dollars an hour!! Thats awesome! I really hope it works out. I need to save money so I can get out of this house...I need to open a savings account. I have a checking account but I also have an atm card which is not good. =) So yeah I'm gonna save like 75% of everything I earn. 10% goes to God and the rest for whatever I need. 

I've been listening to Faith Hill alot. It's funny, I used to hate country music. My mind has been better...in a way. I guess. Hard to explain. I'm not depressed anymore. But I do miss people. 
And a few others...
 I miss my mom! I'm gonna have to work in a trip in the near future. (BTW, I am not moving to Florida.)
 I miss Campus Life...
 I miss my best friend. =)
 I miss Korissa! I havent seen her since, like the day before Thanksgiving, which is completely ridiculous because we live like a block away from each other! 
 Arielle- she's back from college but I havent seen her yet. Edmond- I hardly remember the last time I saw him. But I talked to him today. =) It was good to hear his voice. Aunt Mare- It's been like a week, but it feels longer.
 I miss my sisters. Shannah moved out awhile ago and it's so lonely around here without her. I guess thats why I want a kitten so badly. Kittens are cute, and they keep you company. And I miss Vivvian almost all the time seeing as she lives in Florida. 

So my grandpa is in the intensive care unit. Kidney failure. Me, Dad, and Shannah are going to see him Sunday. Dad doesnt think he's going to make it. He saw him today and said he was weak. Dads all talking about how he's going to buy a new suit and how he thinks we need to say goodbye to him.

I can't take this. He's my closest family member. He's a christian, hes brought so much light into my life. I can't take it.

Lay It Down

These are the lyrics of Jaci Velasquez's newer songs "Lay It Down". For awhile I didn't listen to Jaci because of a concert I saw her (she was being somewhat worldly. I wont explain) and the fact that she got married and like two years later she was divorced. I realize now I was wrong for looking down on her for that. Sure the Bible says divorce is wrong but I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't be looking down at her. He would recognize that she knew she was feeling awful for her decisions and he would love her regardless of whatever she has done. Even if she didn't want to repent he would love her. Unconditional love. 

I think thats the problem with Christians and denominations today. 1.) We're too interested in gossip and who did what with who. And who didn't get invited where. And yada yada yada. 2.) We're too busy arguing over doctrine and denominations and if prophetic dreams are for now or speaking in tongues so on and so forth. 

And you know what? Last night I watched "Four Christmases". There was a scene where the family went to church. The minister came out and the crowd went wild (I totally had Honor Academy flashbacks) but yeah in that scene I saw what the world thinks of Christians. They made them look flaky, and like obsessed with the leader guy more than God, and purely ridiculous. But is that our fault? Is it because so many of us are too much like the world Monday through Saturday and then on Sunday acting like super religious. 

I'm guilty of it too. To some degree. But no more. How can we change the world and witness to such a hopeless world when we are so much like them? 

The last thing I want to do is blend in with this world. 


Verse:
I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

Holiday Memories

Wed. Before Thanksgiving

1.) (Before 2004) We would go to church. Sometimes in the youth group days we would deliver baskets for families in need. Actually I think this happened after 2004 too. But yeah, after church I would stay up super late and listen to the fish, playing Barbies or just hanging out in my old room. I kind of miss my old room even though my new one is bigger.

2.) 2006- The year of all years. My dad and I wanted to go to the movies. He made me go see Deja Vu and I really didn't want to see it because, it just wasn't my kind of movie...action. blah. But I LOVED it. After I saw it I went to Tae's house for bible study. I was the first one there. I walked in, didn't even say h to Cor just dropped my coat and said in a far off voice, "Good movie" haha. Good times. I saw it 6 times after that.

3.) 2007- Dad and I went to Costco. We ate at Zel's and it snowed for the first time. It was just a good night. It felt special and fun. It was also my year Deja Vu anniversary and I tried to watch it again but at the point I was somewhat sick of it and it's just not the same on a smaller Toshiba tv when you've seen it 6 times in theaters.

Thanksgiving

1.) A typical Thanksgiving (before 2004) would be like this: I would wake up at like 8, all excited to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. I would watch it on and off. I would do cartwheels, play house, and help my mom with random things in the kitchen. After the parade we'd watch some sort of Holiday special or something like that. Around 3 we would eat dinner and right after that I would do the dishes. Then we'd all gather in the living room and sleep or watch movies.

2.) (After 2004) We would go to Aunt Sue's house or our cousin Amy's and Grandma would always be sitting in the chair at the kitchen table by the water bottle thing. Uncle Rick, Jake, and whatever guys that were there would be in the living room watching football or whatever. I usually hung out with Bianca, my 2nd cousin and whatever other kids were there because no one in my family is really in my age group. We ate buffet style. No cheesy "give thanks" speeches or anything like that. After that we'd stay for few more hours and then we'd get going.

3.) 2007- One of my favorite years ever. Shannah and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Haha. Everythings more fun with Shannah. =) Well, sometimes. She made the turkey and we called my mom ALOT, with questions. It was great. My dad just hung out in the living room while we cooked and stuff. I think I just made the green bean casserole and the sweet potato casserole. Shannah did everything else and it was SO good. It was my favorite Thanksgiving in a long time because it was more familyish. After dinner we all collapsed in the living room and rested.

Christmas

1.) The year I got underwear when I was 5! I was ecstatic. Seriously. I was weird kid.

2.) One time when we went to Aunt Sue's for Christmas and my cousin Carrie said she would keep my presents if I opened them early. I was really freaked out about that because I knew I was going to get the newest Barbie that I wanted. haha. I totally thought she was serious.

3.) The time we went to Aunt Julies and I got Aladdin pajamas. I don't remember exactly why but that was just a very memorable Christmas.

4.) When I figured out where my Dad hid the presents- in the crawlspace in the garage. I think I was like 10 then. I got a ladder and climbed up there. I needed to see. Bahaha. I was so mischeavious.

5.) Going to Christmas Light festivals in Michigan city.

6.) The first Christmas Eve service at VCC in 1998. It was very special. It was in the old church building. It was all candle lit and pretty.

7.) My mom's jam cookies.

8.) One word- STOLLEN! (I don't know if I spelled that right.)

9.) All the special Christmas ornaments. Unwrapping them from the newspaper every year was like unwrapping presents. Every ornament was special and beautiful and memorable. The apple disco ball, the snowman that played a song, the apples (haha I totally ate one when I was two), and my first Christmas ornament. My stocking. I miss my stocking. It was my favorite because it wasn't like a normal stocking. I'm pretty sure it had ducks on it. I can hardly remember because I havent seen it awhile.

10.) Watching Three Days with mom for the first time on ABC family. I still have the recording of it from the very first night we saw it. I love that movie.

11.) Watching the Santa Claus. That was my favorite movie. Always. (and forever. haha. I love having inside jokes with myself. I'm not normal. haha.)

12.) The year of the karaoke machine. Haha. Those were good times. Word up!

More Recently

13.) 2005- I listened to WLIT ALL THE TIME! And I flipped out everytime "All I Want For Christmas Is You" came on. No matter what I was doing I would dance around my house like a mad woman and sing on top of my lungs. That year I was in Florida and it came on. Mom and Jeff were sleeping on the couch and I was dancing in the living room when I saw Jeff wake up...haha.

2005 was also the year that Vivvian and I listened to the feed the world song. We would flip out on the bridge together.

14.) 2006- wasn't as fun as 2005 but I made the most out of it. Christmas Eve of that year was the most awkward and fun Christmas Eve. I decided to randomly retile the upstairs bathroom. Shannah was going crazy because she didn't know what I was doing. I was just going at it until like 6 in the morning. I listened to Delta Goodrem alot. "All Out of Love" was my favorite. I would always make fun of the guy who sang all constipated sounding "What are you thinking offffffff????" haha It cracked me up. After I was done I collapsed in my bed watching "A Christmas Story" and woke up around noon the next day.

15.) 2007- Christmas Cookies w/ the Engels, Movies, Vivvian. It wasn't my favorite Christmas but it wasn't the worst either.

I'm looking forward to making new holiday memories. I'm going to think positively and try to remember the real reason for the season- JESUS. Because without him, none of what I just wrote matters.

I'm going to Wisconsin some time this week to get a Christmas tree! YAY! I think we might be spending the night too! So I won't have...."One Night Only"! Yay yay yay!  I looked up a bunch of fun things to do in Milwaukee like Christmas lighting ceremonies and such. And while I'm at it I can find out where my cousin Jacob lives, break into his apartment, and move into his living room! YES! We're eating Thanksgiving at a restaurant this year...weird. I really want to see Four Christmases. It looks amusing. And it has Reese Witherspoon in it. She's one of my fav. actresses. =) 

It's so weird thinking that I will be in Florida this time in a month. Thankfully I'll be able to have my car so I can drive back up whenever I want to. (Mom is already trying to talk me into going for a whole year. And I think she should just be happy that I'm committing to a few months. It's like when you have 5 cookies and you eat one, and your like "Man, I really want some more cookies. No fair.") 

My Dad was happy last night. We'll see how long that lasts. He went to church yesterday! And oddly enough...I didn't. But I'm so glad he did. I hope he keeps it up! Especially when I'm not here. 

I've decided to move to Florida in December...looks like everyone's getting what they want.

So I miss school. Rhonda talked me into taking a class or two next semester. I think I'm going to do it...even if it's online. I love Rhonda. She's my favorite. Scrapbooking was fun...even though I definatly didnt scrapbook anything. haha. I just made food, helped with random things, and talking to Katie online about Thanksgiving, Wisconsin, and Mr. Kretz. Good times. I have so many story ideas in my head. I found free creative writing courses online- there's no college credit or anything but it should be cool. I'm gonna do it right now. I think I'm gonna pull an all-nighter tonight and go to church tommorow. That seems like the only way to fix my bad sleeping pattern I've become accustomed to.

Get Out Of This Town

My dad and I agreed on one thing. We're both miserable. And I hate feeling this way. Something has to change. Maybe it's Florida. Hopefully I'll get a job in Wisconsin. Today he read my thoughts exactly. He said, "Sometimes I just want to throw my clothes in the car and drive away." I think I'm going to do it. Not for a long period of time...of course. Just for tonight. 

yrics:
Got it all figured out inside of my head
There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
You say the word, baby I'm all set
We'll cover our tracks, tell a couple white lies
Make sure we got a good alibi
And by the time they catch on, we'll be outta their sight
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Don't need directions, don't need a map
If we get lost I'll be good with that
Yeah we'll find a way to make the time pass
Window rolled down with the heat on high
Stars all aligned in a runaway sky
Holding my hand as the miles roll by
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

If we leave tonight and drive fast enough
All of our troubles will be just like us
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Yeah, let's just get out of this town
Let's get out of this town tonight
Yeah, we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Thoughts 11-15-08

This has been the worst week. I'm not going to explain everything because I don't want to but I have just been so down because:

1.) That dumb lady from New York who said

a.) that I am not a go-getter

b.) I'm not a hardworker

c.) no wonder I haven't found a job yet.

d.) she can see me working at mcdonalds and can I please supersize her fries for her?

And you know what? I know her words mean nothing seeing as she does not know me but they did hurt. It was like Satan himself was writing to me because I know none of that is true and Satan has been feeding me the same lies to me for a long time now.I keep trying to think of who God says I am and I keep trying to think of the future and the amazing purpose he has in store for me. It's like I'm having an inward tug of war. Some days I feel like nothing. I feel like I am running around in aimless directions while everyone else has some kind of ambition. And then other days, I'm inspired because I know God has something great for me. It's just really hard.

2.) Honor Academy- I am still having bad dreams about that place. I just had one last night. I went back to visit or something (I have no idea why I would do that) and then I ended up being forced to stay there. I wish I could have peace about all that. It's become such a big part of my life. I KNOW I wasn't supposed to be there. I just know it. I wish my freaking subconcious would leave me alone.

3.) Lonliness sucks. But Shannah has been so great to me this week. I've seen her more this week than in a long time. Tuesday, Wed, and Yesterday. I was really upset about something yesterday...I'm thinking I was just way overemotional yesterday because I cried over the "Christmas Shoes" song and I've heard that song about a million times. We got chinese food and she let me tell her all my problems...even though she's heard them all before. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without my sister.

4.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all. Rant over.

I was thinking about what makes me who I am. Everything that's happened to me in my life has made me what I am today. From my earliest memory to yesterday. It is all what makes me who I am.

It starts as early as my childhood.

-1995 when I first asked Jesus into my heart.

-1998 when my Dad moved out.

-2000 when the divorce was official.

-2004 when mom got married & moved to Florida.

-2008 Graduation/Honor Academy

& all the little details in between. Friends. Different churches. Family issues. It all shaped me.

It is November 1st. I love November. But not as much as I love October. Fall is going to be over soon...and Christmas time will be coming. WLIT isn't playing Christmas music for another two and a half weeks and to be honest, I'm not really all that sad about it. I'm just not in Christmas mode yet. I will be by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.

Tomorrow I am going to the cat society. =)

Radcliff Story 2006

Once there was a young lad by the name of Radcliff. He resided in the large picturesque town of Kenosha, Wisconsin. Radcliff loved Indiana with a passion. The reason why he loved it so much was because one time he went there with his father and walked into a grocery store called Ultra. Immediatly he knew the store and Indiana was his destiny.

Meanwhile one day Noelle was all somber in the store Ultra. She walked through the bakery, heartbroken because she missed the wonderful Woodman's in her beloved Kenosha, Wisconsin. Well, Radcliff was also in Ultra at that time. Unlike Noelle, he was all happy and joyus. He saw Noelle who was starting to sob sadly when she looked at the bumble bee tuna. He asked her,"Hey somber woman, why are you looking so gloomy? It's a wonderful store! Doesn't it smell terrific?"

Noelle started to respond until she looked up at him. He was the most gourgeous, beautiful, handsome boy she had ever seen. "Oh I just miss my favorite grocery store in the world." She replied sniffling.

"What are you talking about? This is the greatest grocery store in the world!" Radcliff responding excitedly.

"I disagree. Woodman's is the best," Noelle replied.

"WOODMANS?!" Radcliff was washed over with shock.

"Yes." Noelle nodded.

"I live right near a woodman's.The Kenosha Woodman's."

"No way. You're from wisconsin?"

"Unfortunately." Radcliff said.

"Why? You don't like it there?"

"No way. It's dumb. Indiana is the place to be." Radcliff said.

"You haven't lived here." Noelle said with disgust.

"Yeah well you havent lived in Wisconsin either. All they have is cows and cheese and cows. You guys have corn. I love corn."

"I hate corn. Cheese is awesome." Noelle said. Even though Radcliff was extremely good looking she also found him irritating. Just like she found her uncle Hugo who also prefered Indiana over Wisconsin annoying. How could they hate Wisconsin?

Suddenly Radcliff and Noelle's dads come running toward the two arguing strangers.

"Noelle, you'll never guess who I ran into!" Noelle's father, Jim exclaimed.

"Who?"

"This is Harry, my old friend from high school. He's an ice fisherman in Wisconsin."

"Harry's my dad!" Radcliff said.

"Is he hairy?" Noelle asked.

"A little."

"Ahhh..."

The time at the grocery store went by fast. After both Radcliff and Noelle's fathers were grocery shopping the two 16 and some odd month teens walked through the aisles of Ultra and talked about everything. Radcliff told Noelle about his pet fish, Gwenevierre back home. Noelle spoke of her cat Jack and how he likes to eat fish. Radcliff was frightened. When Radcliff had to go back to Wisconsin he started to cry. Noelle hugged him telling him she knew how he felt. They exchanged numbers when they seperated.

Yes, It was only the beginning.

So I miss xanga. I was reading all my posts from never_let_go33 or whatever the site's name was and I really miss the way I used to blog. I found a poem I wrote about Meat. Those were such good days. I was at VCC. It was sophmore year and nothing was really going wrong in my life.

I feel like I am wandering around aimlessly in circles...alone. And does anyone understands how that makes someone feel? No. So it's harder to relate to friends and people in your life and then you end up saying something or doing something that upsets the person. Well in my case that's what I've done. I feel so incredibly disconnected from the world that was mine only two months ago.  My heart aches for the way it was. And I really don't think I can take it anymore. I need something to change. I'm going to save money so I can eventually move to Wisconsin and just start a new life.

And I normally don't mind being alone. Usually I like it. But that's how I've been lately and to be honest, I'm sick of it. And that's why I am really thinking of buying a kitten next time I have enough money. Dad can just deal with it. He's got his hooker girlfriend to deal with and I don't have anyone.

I have been able to talk to Katie Engel alot though. She's become a good friend. We enjoy ranting on each other. And Emily has been great through all this. =) Adair is there too but she has school and new friends and I understand that she can't always be there to hear my rants...

But yeah, I think I'm ready to go back to VCC. I miss Christy and other people. At Faith I didn't know anyone at all. Except for Marilyn...Oh yeah! Marilyn has been great! We totally relate to each other. Except sometimes she oversteps her boundries as a mother. I have a mother. Her name is Mary Ann and I love her even though she kinda drives me nuts.

Rant over.

Yesterday I went to Whitehorse and then went to go visit Jakob at Purdue West Lafayette. His mom gave me a bunch of stuff to bring him. So he met me by my car and we both took his junk up to his fourth floor room. It was just a very nice visit. It was good to see him again. He really has become one of my best friends. I feel so awful for the ways I have underestimated him in the past. I would go into more detail with that but won't.

 It was so weird being back in a campus like atmosphere. It brought back some flashbacks and memories. The same thing happened when I went to Bethel. By the way...out of the two colleges I've visited I would like to compare and contrast.

Bethel:
-insanely small. I really like the smallness of it actually.
-Christian school.

Purdue WL:
-Huge
-definitely not a Christian school.

See people are trying to get me to go to Bethel (Adair, her mom, Lindsay, other people) and people are trying to get me to go to PWL (Jakob's mother, Jakob, some other random people I met there) and I really don't think I would want to go to either place. 

Now let's get back to the flashbacks/ memories. Just being in the campus atmosphere puts me in a weird place...because it makes me think of the honor academy atmosphere. And I know there is no way you can compare the two because honor academy was just insane and these two campuses are...not. So I don't know if I would be able to go away somewhere and live on campus. And I'm sick of people telling me what I should do...and where I should go! I need this year to figure that out. I don't want to make another hasty decision. I don't want to make another mistake. 

But anyway the whole point of this post was...I dont really remember. I just went off on a rant. 

I guess I just feel so different than everyone...because while there was a radical change in my life during the five days that I spent at honor academy. My thoughts have changed on a lot of things. I am defiantly more distant from people, less trusting (and I'm working on that.) So please, be patient with me!!!! I am still trying to figure out what God has for me. 

So much is happening to me.
So much that I can’t even see.
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be.
Catch me if I should fall.
And even more so while I’m standing tall.

My head is spinning around and it’s making me dizzy.
I’m spinning around and it’s making me ill.
You don’t understand what I’m going through just to find a way to climb.
It’ll be in my own time.
It’ll be in my own time.

Whispering thoughts in all different ways.
That I’m in a daze.
My head is spinning around and it’s making me dizzy.
I’m spinning around and it’s making me ill.
You don’t understand what I’m going through just to find a way to climb.

It’ll be in my own time.
’cause it’ll be in my own time.
In my own time.
In my own time I’ll take a chance.
In my own time I’ll find romance. in my own time.

It’ll be mine.
After the clouds there’ll be the rain.
After the sun there’ll be the moon it doesn’t matter.
’cause it’ll be in my own time 

So today I:

1.) Got a job. Finally.

2.) Got new gym shoes. Yay.

3.) Got a new movie. Yay.

4.) Hung out with my dad. ( He told me I can come home soon. Praise God. I cannot wait. I suck at living with people.)

5.) Baby-sat for rich kids. That family was full of freaks. They had two kitchens.

It's been a long day.

Questions, Plans, and Junk

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So often we do what WE want in life...or what THE WORLD wants. Why is this? Why do we rely so much on the world's standards? Why aren't our eyes on the bigger picture? HE knows the plans for my life. I can't make it up. Friends and family can't make it up. HE has a plan. Why do we put our trust in psychologists and Dr. Phil and Oprah??? Why do we apply the world's standards to our life? Why are we all obsessed with money and new things. They are meaningless.

I don't know...I just don't understand a lot of people. I don't get the point of a lot of things. I just know that I want to trust God with all of my heart. I want to trust that He has a plan for my life...he has a calling for me...and that someday all of these trials and questions will make sense. Meanwhile I am just trying to live for Him, and get through each day. I do trust Him. I trust that he is going get me through this trauma of all that happened with Honor Academy and stuff...I trust that he is going to get me through all my emotional damage from all that my parents have put me through these past four years. I trust that He knows where he wants me. And the only way I can fail is if I don't let God lead me...and if I don't put my life and my decisions in His hands.

I believe that he has a plan for my life. I don't know exactly what it is yet...but I know he knows what he's doing. And he's working with me each day. He is my counseler...He is my father. He is my light and my path. I am so sick of reliance on humans...and human explanations for why we are the way we are...And I'm sick of gossip...and judgement...and everything. I feel so different than everyone. Like I see something that nobody else sees. I have my weird side, sure. But I feel like I see things so differently than people in my life.

Geez, I've gone off on a rant...It's totally disorganized but oh well.

Anyway, do you get what I'm saying? I hope you do...because those were some scattered thoughts.

Leaving the HA

So, I suppose most of you have heard about how I came left Honor Academy thursday morning.(I tagged people in this note who I knew didn't know the details...or didn't even know I had left.) I got on a bus and arrived in Hammond, IN at about 11:30 a.m. So I had a 24 hour trip home... And I can probably guess what you are thinking... "Why did Noelle leave after only 5 days of being there? She must have been homesick. Why didn't she just stick it out a little bit longer?" 

Trust me, I would wonder the same things if I were you guys...

So here's why: (in very short, non-descriptive, way because there are too many reasons as to why I left the HA. Way too many to write down here.)

1.) I did not trust what I was being taught. 
2.) There was a commitment banquet on Friday and I felt so strong in disaggreement of what I was being taught & what I would be doing for the next year. I couldn't committ myself to them. I could not promise I would stay for a whole year.
3.) For Anchors Away Students- Read the section called "What is a cult?" That's where I was.
4.) Their views on fasting was messed up. I believe fasting is an individual thing, a secret between God and an individual. But they have a requuired event where you must fast and you are not allowed to talk and by the end you are expected to have your purpose from God...something about that just rubs me the wrong way. 
5.)There was a secretive event called ESOAL, it was optional but if you chose not to do it you would have to scrub toilets or something. And noone who goes to the event is allowed to speak about it with other people. Again, something about that rubs me the wrong way.
6.) My spirit never really felt settled in the place. And I had prayed, and prayed, for a way to adjust and then I realized it was not JUST homesickness. Something about the place was not right. It just did not feel right in my heart. So I had been praying about if this place was the right place for me. I was also talking to someone about it. She was digging and digging and looking up things online about the Honor Academy. God spoke to her, and it was warning that I should not be there... I was going to leave after my money ran out but when I heard what God spoke to her, I knew I needed to leave. We both aggreed on it. 
7.) I was reading through my bible, looking for confirmation on whether or not I should leave the Honor Academy. If my suspicions were right about it, if my unsettled heart was correct. Then I prayed for God to give me a verse and I recieved this.

Galations 1:6-7 6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.

Yeah so that answer was pretty clear. (Note to Anchors Away students: this verse was also in the section about cults.) 

So that is why I left. There are about a million other reasons...I could write for hours! 

However, I did get some out of it. (No thanks to what I was taught or anything.) I feel way closer to God! I had to hold on to him for dear life! I felt him speak to me more than I have in a long time because I was in the word so much. So I guess I am just thinking that this was my five day retreat with the Lord. I had to be strong and stick up for my right to leave (I was against many manipulitive people when I made my decision to leave.) I also learned that I do need structure in my life, and I will start eating healthier no matter how hard it is considering no one is there to tell me what to eat. I also learned about myself- I am not always the passive, go with the flow girl, when I feel something is wrong I will step out and make it stop. So that was my five day retreat with God-the hardest, scariest days of my life. I will still have nightmares about that place but I will get through it...

(Note: If you have any questions...or want to know my other stories in depth please call me. The last thing I want is for people to misinterpret anything I said on here. My number is 707-2032 and my e-mail is noellecurran@yahoo.com.) 

God bless, stay strong, AND READ YOUR BIBLE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! SERIOUSLY! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE ONE DAY! 
The End. 
In Christ, 
A changed Noelle.