Making the Most of Every Moment

I've been thinking alot in the past two weeks. I've been praying alot about this too and I finally feel like I can put it into words.

I am sick of living in the past. From this day forward, when I am with people, I am going to be with, people. Too many times I miss out on great moments because I am thinking about someone else or missing a time in my life, living in my old memories, or whatever I have to be sorry for myself about at the time.

I am SO sick of it.

Because who knows how much time we really have with the people we love?

Who knows what's gonna happen in the future?

Today could be my last day on earth. I don't want to leave knowing that I could have left the people that I love hurt by my own selfishness...

So, I'm really going to work on being with people, not wasting time worrying, and just showing the people I love that I love them.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It isn't proud.

It doesn't dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I want to really love my friends and family. I know its so much easier said than done...talking about making the most of each moment and actually doing that is really hard...Technology doesn't make it any better.

But I'm working on it.

A really boring nostalgic sentimental post about my car.

My car is sick. Something about a radiator..or valves..I don't know. It's at the doctor. (With a mechanic.) I don't think I realized how much I'm gonna miss my car when it completely kicks the bucket until today. I won't have a way to get around and I don't have much of a savings account, but that's not the only reason why I'm going to have a hard time saying good-bye to good ol' whatever I named it...I feel like if she was a girl she would be Betsy, and if he was a boy he would be Henry.

Henry/Betsy has been with me since I first got my driver's licence in 2007. I remember my first trip in it was to Adair's house. I ordered a doctor pepper and the creepy burger king guy gave me a oversized cup full of soda for free and it didn't fit in my cup holder. It spilled all over my passenger seat and then I almost hit a rabbit.

It carried me through great times and bad times. Blasting Delta Goodrem and chasing sunsets. Spontaneous trips to wal-mart. Crying over silly high school drama while listening to sad music.

I can't count the minor fender benders I've had in it....or maybe I can.

●     May '07 I accidently rear ended a couple at a stop sign because I was so excited that I bought Dejavu from Walmart that day

●     Summer '07 I ran into a pole at the gas station.

●     Fall '07 I left my lights on and my friend Ryan helped me jump my car. The wind was extremely heavy and the hood blew back and cracked the windshield.

●     I parked on the street one night and a car ran into our mailbox and my car making the lovely dent on the right side of the car. It also took out my side mirror.

●     Dec 2008- My dad decided to use a shovel to get the ice off my back windshield and the next day (Christmas Eve) I was on my way to the pancake thingy at Mare's and I started my car when I noticed it was unusally chilly in my car. Thats when I walked out and stared at the gaping hole and the shattered glass that was everywhere.

●     Fall 2009 I was driving down a bridge distracted by something...and rear ended a really nice lady. We met at the library later that night because the officer gave us the wrong licences.

●     Fall 2010 I hit a deer. It took out my right headlight.

●     Some lady rear ended me in a target parking lot in December of 2010

It was the gateway to my escapes to Wisconsin when life got hard. I would just gas up the car at pump number five and drive until I got somewhere that my troubles weren't as overwhelming.

It's moved my things when I've moved 11 times since 2008.

When my dad was slightly mentally unstable and made me go somewhere else to stay spontaneously, it got me there.

Sadly, my car has been the only stable and steadfast thing in my life. I could always depend on it.

Even when I left my lights on, I knew somehow the battery would start again.

Even when I got in an accident or had close calls, I trusted that it would be ok.

I hope that my car is ok.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to it just yet..

It's a love hate relationship.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile. I don't know why but there's something about xanga that is just more comforting than writing on facebook. Maybe because only a few people read this. I don't know. I've had this thing since summer of 2006 and I just cant seem to stop writing on here. Even if I don't write in it for awhile. It's like my comforting old friend. 

There's been a lot of changes in my life since I last really updated this thing in May. 

Summer was amazing. The first two weeks of staff training I kind of wandered, trying to find my place at the camp. I spent a lot of time alone, cause that is what I had been used to. My temporary roommate encouraged me to be social and I was at times. Working in the kitchen the first two weeks, I was not sure about it. I wasn't sure if I'd fit in with the summer staff that worked there. It wasn't until the first Sunday night dinner that we all worked, that I realized that they were good people. 

I lost my ring. The one Shannah gave me for my birthday/Christmas. It was my birth stone. I realized it was not on my finger after we were all done cleaning in the kitchen. I panicked. Searching my pockets, the apron pockets and pretty much everywhere I could think of in the kitchen. My friend Katie was convinced that I must have thrown it away. So she and my friend Emily actually got in the dumpster... and searched through bags of trash. Abby, Pat, Lauren, my roommate Sherra and I helped from outside the dumpster. My boss Dean came out from the kitchen. I thought he was going to yell at us for the dumpster diving, instead he got us some trash bags and some gloves. 

Note: This was when I knew I was going to have a good summer with good friends. :) 

Lake Geneva 2006

On a friday in January of 2006 my Dad picked me up from school. It was a half day and the end of the first semester. I had just finished my finals and Dad wanted me to go with him to Wisconsin so he could to some research about his Grandfather. I almost didn't go because I wanted to watch the premiere of High School Musical on Disney Channel (pathetic, I know). But we went. First stop was Pell Lake, then Lake Geneva. I stayed in the Lake Genevea library while dad went to different libraries to look up records and what not.

The Lake Geneva library is one of my favorite places to go in Wisconsin. For some odd reason, it reminds me of my childhood. They have a bunch of comfortable chairs facing Geneva Lake, a winding staircase, and some of the friendliest librarians I have ever met.

I stayed there most of the day. At one point I got bored and walked the streets of downtown Lake Geneva. I went into a small giftshop and Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" came on. That made me even more happy and I declared it my Wisconsin song. (One of many.)

After awhile I went back to the library and settled down with "Flight #116 is Down" and declared that my Wisconsin book. I read a good 5 or 6 chapters when Dad finally came back to get me. I bookmarkered my spot and said I would read the rest of the book the next time we came to Lake Geneva.

As we were leaving I overheard the kind librarians talking about a big snow storm that would be coming to Wisconsin.

We were on our way back to stop at Woodman's when it started snowing. Instead of doing the smart thing and heading home quickly we stopped at Woodman's and then Gurnee Mills. The mall was completely empty and slightly creepy but Dad and I had a good time.

When we finally head home, we inched our way back to Indiana it was snowing so hard. Dad was grumbling the whole way home but I was smiling. I had a great day and the snow beautiful and sparkly.

We got home around in three in the morning. That is how ridiculous the traffic was. But it is still one of my favorite Wisconsin memories.

Updates/News/Whatever

Updates/News/Whatever.

1.) I quit at the IMAX. =( It really did break my heart to do that....even if that sounds lame, it's true. But it was best for my sanity. Saturday was my last night. It wasn't really that fun of a last night. I was with Jamie Rogers who I can't stand. (I can say that now that I'm never going to see her again...) All she does is gossip and talk about how she's a lesbian. It's always very awkward working with her. (Well, not anymore.)

The last hour she tried to pawn off all the work she didn't want to do on me....what else is new?

Her: Noelle, go change that trash can.

Me: I've changed like 89 trashcans tonight...can you or Katie do it?

Her: No. (Insert some stupid excuse)

Me: It is my last night...my last hour of work....I have not been lazy in my five months of working here. Tonight I am choosing to be lazy. I do not want to change that trash can.

Her: Well, it's your last hour...don't be a slacker. (Or something like that.)

Me: Yeah I'm gonna go talk to Steve real quick.

I walked over to Steve and Michelle and Darren...they were talking or something.

Steve: It's your last night.

Me: I have 50 minutes...well, actually 49 minutes.

Steve: Go shave the carpets....and the ceiling tiles.

Me: Ha ha. Youre funny.

(Insert inappropriate comments from Darren and Michelle....just like normal)

Steve: But you can leave if you want.

Me: YES!

Steve: Jamie, Katie, do you need her for anything else?

Them: No

Me: *inside* Hahahaha what now, jerks???

I got away without changing that garbage. So I was a mindless slacker for 99% of the time I worked at that place. That's alot better than the other 30 something employees there.

And I went home....feeling really somber. I had a lot of good memories there.

Such as:

1.) My first night, Christmas Day, when I was an usher and I walked so much that it took me 30 minutes to get to my car from the back of the building. (I was ignorant, and didn't know that snowboots were not going to cut it...)

2.) The first time I worked concessions and my drawer was 15 dollars off...

3.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. I HATED THOSE ENDING CREDITS! SERIOUSLY! They were sooooo. evil sounding. Whenever I had to clean that theater I would end up praying inside or singing worship songs.

4.) When Paul Blart came out and never went away....

5.) Snowstorms.

6.) Inappropriate walkie talkie behavior.

7.) Marie Digby.

8.) Work friends: Yercely, Brittnay, Jakob Ribar, Joe, Jacob Vincent, Jackie, Erik, Belinda, Shannon, Alex, Most of the managers, And other people who's names I still dont know. Hahaha.

9.) Making mistakes. Josh making me cry because I made mistakes.

10.) Closing fun.

11.) Closing usher for the first time & the last time. Horrible!

12.) Kevin Engel being my co worker... :)

And quitting.

There was good and there was bad. But it was a great first job. I wouldn't trade that expirience for anything. I learned alot. I learned to love people who are hard to love. I want so bad for them to God.

2.) I want to get married. Like now. Kind of. Ok not married....but be in a relationship.

I loooooooove 50 degrees so much. I feel ill. I saw people today. Dustin specifically. I havent seen him in so long and that made me smile. I miss last year. I miss Whitney. I miss Lindsay. I miss Jakob. I always thought we'd keep in better touch. But we didnt. And that sucks.

Tomorrow I work 5-1 usher. That is yucky.

Saturday is Marks going away party.

Sunday I am going to church and than going out to lunch with Jenny. That is cool. After that I'm going to work concession. 3-9 which is even more yucky.

Monday is an employee meeting, and that scares the crap out of me because I have no idea whats going on.

Wed. I work 1-6 usher. And that isnt as yucky.

And then I will start it all over again.

I'm listening to Carrie Underwood right now. "I Know You Won't" That song makes me blue.

I really need to clean my car out.

I have to use the potty.

Goodbye.

2008

Here is my semi-traditional year wrap up. I thought I'd do it now because I need to keep my mind off Vivvian. We said good-bye this morning and my heart broke all over again. I'm going to miss her so much. I am so depressed now. I don't feel like doing anything. 

Ok, here we go: 

2008

January- My birthday party @ the Engels. Dinners with Shannah. 2nd Semester of my senior year started. I had a great schedule. I had lunch with Jakob and Maria and it was the best lunch ever even though half the time Jakob irritated the poop out of me. I got so much closer to him and Maria. It was amazing. There was also the ice skating with Campus Life student leaders which was memorable. =)

February-
Let's see there was winter weekend with cabin #5 haha poor man's Wisconsin. Um, I was still in my cookie making phase and the new VCC building opened that month. Not much else I can think of. 

March- 

Got accepted to the Honor Academy (barf), Candy entered my life (my dad's on and off hooker girlfriend), I started going to Faith church and took Korissa with me. Those were fun/awful days. Because I was hurt so much. I went to Adairs house alot. We played barbies too take out our anger on things. 

April-
Was very similar to March. I just went to church alot with Korissa and hung out with Adair all the time. Edmond and I got our purity rings w/ Aunt Mare at Faith Church. I currently have no idea where it is...only because its too big for me now...and always falls off my finger. 

May- 
Prom. Sunsets. Campus Life ending. Student leadership endeing. CLM ending.Track meets. Insanity. I loved last May but it was very emotional at the same time. Because everything was ending. Get off my bench day. I loved driving Jakob insane at lunch. It should have been one of my hobbies. haha. 

June- 
"Baby-sitting" Emily. haha. Last day of school. =( Graduation VIVVIAN! Stupidness. H's. Bananas in ears. Faith church w/ Korissa. Walks with Adair and her mom. Stupidness. 

July-
Florida. Finding out Honor Academy in Minnesota was shut down and stupidly deciding to go to Texas. "Going Away Party" (Even though I was only gone for 8 days it was very special and emotional that night because I thought I wasnt going to see anyone until freaking Christmas) Wisconsin. 

August- 
Saying goodbye to people. Hard. Honor Academy=death. Travis. Greyhound bus. Going home. The begin of finding a job. Living with the Engels.Adair went off to college.

September-
Moved in with Aunt Mare to find jobs in Munster. Babysitting for Claire!!! (I miss her so much!!!) Halloween stores. The flood. My kitty. The humane society. 

October-
Fall colors! TELETMARKETING!!!! BLAAAAAAAH! Going home FINALLY. More fall colors. Poor man's wisconsin w/ Aunt Mare. Loneliness. Searching for more jobs in Portage. Apple Orchard. My friendship with Katie began. Goats. 

November- 
Changes in friendships. Movies.Suckiness. Emily. Thanksgiving sucked. Finally got my laptop. Zoo tycoon w/ Emily. Whitehorse. Confusion. More fall colors. The end of fall colors. Spontaneous trips to Wisconsin. Scrapbooking.

December-
Falling in love with Barnes, WI all over again. Insanity w/ Aunt Mare aka my wemanise. More changes. Finally got a job. Emily. VIVVIAN. Not being into Christmas. Justin. Pretending everythings just fine (basicly being fake) Christmas suckishness. Starting job...and I dont know whats gonna happen in the next week So we'll see. 

 Gotta job. Yay. Start on Wed. (training) Thank God! A job where I don't have to annoy people/ change poopy diapers. Well, I talked to Christy about the daycare too. She said that I could maybe do some stuff for her in January. 10 dollars an hour!! Thats awesome! I really hope it works out. I need to save money so I can get out of this house...I need to open a savings account. I have a checking account but I also have an atm card which is not good. =) So yeah I'm gonna save like 75% of everything I earn. 10% goes to God and the rest for whatever I need. 

I've been listening to Faith Hill alot. It's funny, I used to hate country music. My mind has been better...in a way. I guess. Hard to explain. I'm not depressed anymore. But I do miss people. 
And a few others...
 I miss my mom! I'm gonna have to work in a trip in the near future. (BTW, I am not moving to Florida.)
 I miss Campus Life...
 I miss my best friend. =)
 I miss Korissa! I havent seen her since, like the day before Thanksgiving, which is completely ridiculous because we live like a block away from each other! 
 Arielle- she's back from college but I havent seen her yet. Edmond- I hardly remember the last time I saw him. But I talked to him today. =) It was good to hear his voice. Aunt Mare- It's been like a week, but it feels longer.
 I miss my sisters. Shannah moved out awhile ago and it's so lonely around here without her. I guess thats why I want a kitten so badly. Kittens are cute, and they keep you company. And I miss Vivvian almost all the time seeing as she lives in Florida. 

Holiday Memories

Wed. Before Thanksgiving

1.) (Before 2004) We would go to church. Sometimes in the youth group days we would deliver baskets for families in need. Actually I think this happened after 2004 too. But yeah, after church I would stay up super late and listen to the fish, playing Barbies or just hanging out in my old room. I kind of miss my old room even though my new one is bigger.

2.) 2006- The year of all years. My dad and I wanted to go to the movies. He made me go see Deja Vu and I really didn't want to see it because, it just wasn't my kind of movie...action. blah. But I LOVED it. After I saw it I went to Tae's house for bible study. I was the first one there. I walked in, didn't even say h to Cor just dropped my coat and said in a far off voice, "Good movie" haha. Good times. I saw it 6 times after that.

3.) 2007- Dad and I went to Costco. We ate at Zel's and it snowed for the first time. It was just a good night. It felt special and fun. It was also my year Deja Vu anniversary and I tried to watch it again but at the point I was somewhat sick of it and it's just not the same on a smaller Toshiba tv when you've seen it 6 times in theaters.

Thanksgiving

1.) A typical Thanksgiving (before 2004) would be like this: I would wake up at like 8, all excited to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. I would watch it on and off. I would do cartwheels, play house, and help my mom with random things in the kitchen. After the parade we'd watch some sort of Holiday special or something like that. Around 3 we would eat dinner and right after that I would do the dishes. Then we'd all gather in the living room and sleep or watch movies.

2.) (After 2004) We would go to Aunt Sue's house or our cousin Amy's and Grandma would always be sitting in the chair at the kitchen table by the water bottle thing. Uncle Rick, Jake, and whatever guys that were there would be in the living room watching football or whatever. I usually hung out with Bianca, my 2nd cousin and whatever other kids were there because no one in my family is really in my age group. We ate buffet style. No cheesy "give thanks" speeches or anything like that. After that we'd stay for few more hours and then we'd get going.

3.) 2007- One of my favorite years ever. Shannah and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Haha. Everythings more fun with Shannah. =) Well, sometimes. She made the turkey and we called my mom ALOT, with questions. It was great. My dad just hung out in the living room while we cooked and stuff. I think I just made the green bean casserole and the sweet potato casserole. Shannah did everything else and it was SO good. It was my favorite Thanksgiving in a long time because it was more familyish. After dinner we all collapsed in the living room and rested.

Christmas

1.) The year I got underwear when I was 5! I was ecstatic. Seriously. I was weird kid.

2.) One time when we went to Aunt Sue's for Christmas and my cousin Carrie said she would keep my presents if I opened them early. I was really freaked out about that because I knew I was going to get the newest Barbie that I wanted. haha. I totally thought she was serious.

3.) The time we went to Aunt Julies and I got Aladdin pajamas. I don't remember exactly why but that was just a very memorable Christmas.

4.) When I figured out where my Dad hid the presents- in the crawlspace in the garage. I think I was like 10 then. I got a ladder and climbed up there. I needed to see. Bahaha. I was so mischeavious.

5.) Going to Christmas Light festivals in Michigan city.

6.) The first Christmas Eve service at VCC in 1998. It was very special. It was in the old church building. It was all candle lit and pretty.

7.) My mom's jam cookies.

8.) One word- STOLLEN! (I don't know if I spelled that right.)

9.) All the special Christmas ornaments. Unwrapping them from the newspaper every year was like unwrapping presents. Every ornament was special and beautiful and memorable. The apple disco ball, the snowman that played a song, the apples (haha I totally ate one when I was two), and my first Christmas ornament. My stocking. I miss my stocking. It was my favorite because it wasn't like a normal stocking. I'm pretty sure it had ducks on it. I can hardly remember because I havent seen it awhile.

10.) Watching Three Days with mom for the first time on ABC family. I still have the recording of it from the very first night we saw it. I love that movie.

11.) Watching the Santa Claus. That was my favorite movie. Always. (and forever. haha. I love having inside jokes with myself. I'm not normal. haha.)

12.) The year of the karaoke machine. Haha. Those were good times. Word up!

More Recently

13.) 2005- I listened to WLIT ALL THE TIME! And I flipped out everytime "All I Want For Christmas Is You" came on. No matter what I was doing I would dance around my house like a mad woman and sing on top of my lungs. That year I was in Florida and it came on. Mom and Jeff were sleeping on the couch and I was dancing in the living room when I saw Jeff wake up...haha.

2005 was also the year that Vivvian and I listened to the feed the world song. We would flip out on the bridge together.

14.) 2006- wasn't as fun as 2005 but I made the most out of it. Christmas Eve of that year was the most awkward and fun Christmas Eve. I decided to randomly retile the upstairs bathroom. Shannah was going crazy because she didn't know what I was doing. I was just going at it until like 6 in the morning. I listened to Delta Goodrem alot. "All Out of Love" was my favorite. I would always make fun of the guy who sang all constipated sounding "What are you thinking offffffff????" haha It cracked me up. After I was done I collapsed in my bed watching "A Christmas Story" and woke up around noon the next day.

15.) 2007- Christmas Cookies w/ the Engels, Movies, Vivvian. It wasn't my favorite Christmas but it wasn't the worst either.

I'm looking forward to making new holiday memories. I'm going to think positively and try to remember the real reason for the season- JESUS. Because without him, none of what I just wrote matters.

Changes

I've been looking at old pictures...from around 2005. Alive Fest, Six Flags, all kinds of stuff. Looking at the pictures bring back good and bad memories. It almost makes me want to cry because I miss how some things used to be.& How much close groups of friends have grown apart so easily. But on the other hand, I really don't want to go back. I will treasure the memories in my heart, and mind forever but I really don't want to go back.

I am going to Faith Church now. I enjoy the pastors. I get something out of it every time I go. It's anointed. I go to Campus Life. Adair's my best friend...I dont think I really had a best friend until her. I have realized that neither of my parents are perfect. I have learned to accept that even though they arent together that's not how God wanted it to be. I will learn to get a long with both of them eventually but wont hurt myself by trying to please them.

I feel closer to God so much more than ever. I have realized that his standards are not matched up to the standards of this world. I have let him be my father. I have let him comfort me, rather than relying on people all the time. He is in my heart.

Just a thought.

Go Mad/Turkey Run