Remembering His Faithfulness

Today I was yet again reminded of God's faithfulness: 

(April 9, 2010)

 It was refreshing and renewing and so good to be back in Kenosha and Lake Geneva with my Dad. It had been too long. The last time we went I was totally overworked and wasn’t able to enjoy it. This time it was almost symbolic, and it was like I had returned home. The days of the daycare were over. The days of questioning my faith were behind me.The weather was cool and spring was evident. I returned to my favorite library and stood at the beach in the spot where a scene in the story I was writing was going to take place. I walked the streets of Lake Geneva with my camera, taking pictures of blossoms on trees, of strangers relaxing in the grass, and the sun shining off of the lake.

Dad and I walked around Woodman’s just like old times and I was reminded of the first spring that I fell in love with Wisconsin and the magicalness of the grocery store that held my precious windmill cookies and cinnamon flavored tick-tacs. Dad went back into the hotel to sleep while I drove around, took pictures, went to book stores, and enjoyed being in a world that was not my own.

I listened to the Christian radio station as I drove around town. For the first time I hear Francessa Battestelli’s “Beautiful, Beautiful “. The lyrics and the melody immediately drew me in, I applied them to my life.

 Don’t know how it is You looked at me

And saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart

Breaking through the dark Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight

Making my life something so Beautiful, beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me All that I need

You are so Beautiful, beautiful

After getting beautiful sunset pictures I returned to the hotel. My dad was still sleeping, so I pulled out my laptop to check my e-mail. There was one from Dan, the man that interviewed me for Phantom Ranch Bible Camp.

My heart sank, because I sort of knew what it was going to say.

They were already adequately staffed for the summer of 2010. I wouldn’t be needed. I wasn’t hired.

I felt myself slip into sadness even after such a great day. But something caught me, the lyrics to “Beautiful, Beautiful”-the last verse:

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain But even perfect days can end in rain And though it’s pouring down I see You through the clouds Shining on my face

Even though I faced immense disappointment, I knew that God was there and there was a reason that he had said no to Phantom Ranch. And after a few hours, I had peace about it. 

And most of you know what happened next. Dean hired me at Timber-lee for the summer. And although the hallow disappointment hurt for awhile it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. At timber-lee I learned what it was to be loved by God. I learned what it was like to have good friends that love you and appreciate you for you genuinely are, the good and the bad. 

I was just thinking about that today. And I was thinking about my recent disappointments...and I just know that even though things aren't great right now, I only have a part time babysitting job and I am still unsure of what to do with my life, I know that God is with me. This time is being utilized to write and to read the bible and to figure out who I am and how I can be the best person that I can be. And I am just so thankful for every thing. For everyone in my life that has helped me grown in one way or another and that God has me right where He wants me.

Life isn't about where we end up, but it's about the journey that we are in to get there.(I read that somewhere recently..Ive been reading so much lately, I dont know how to properly quote it.)  And right now I am content to be where I am. In Joy or in pain, I will remain thankful! 

2011

This year hasn't been the best year on the surface. I've dealt with a lot of past emotions sneaking up on me. I've dealt with a lot of crappy situations. 

 

And I am in many ways still healing and dealing with the past. 

But I would never say 2011 has been a bad year. Even though some awful things have happened. I have learned so much about God by sticking to the bible reading plan that I constructed last Jan. I have had several great days with God. I never truly understood what it was like to have a relationship with God until this year. I have grown through the pain and through the questions. It was all neccasary, everything that I've been through. 

And I look forward to 2012 and the new things I have to learn and expirience. 

Thank you Lord, for the good times and the bad. You give and take away but my reward remains in You. 

Thank you Lord. 

Jeremiah 23

On Saturday, Jeremiah 23 was the next thing for me to read in my bible reading schedule. It really stuck out to me.

  

“What sorrow awaits the leaders of my people—the shepherds of my sheep—for they have destroyed and scattered the very ones they were expected to care for,” says the Lord.

 ² Therefore, this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to these shepherds: “Instead of caring for my flock and leading them to safety, you have deserted them and driven them to destruction. Now I will pour out judgment on you for the evil you have done to them. ³ But I will gather together the remnant of my flock from the countries where I have driven them. I will bring them back to their own sheepfold, and they will be fruitful and increase in number. ⁴ Then I will appoint responsible shepherds who will care for them, and they will never be afraid again. Not a single one will be lost or missing. I, the Lord have spoken!

 ⁵ “For the time is coming,”

Verses three and four really hit me.

Even though teen mania, the ones that were supposed to protect us and were supposed to help lead us to safety, they led some of us astray. But what God says is truth. I see it in the blog. I see it in the hurting people. He’s gathering the lost and the hurting up, He’s making it so we will be fruitful, so we will increase in number, and he will give us responsible shepherds. We will never be afraid again.

This is not only for people that were led astray buy abusive internships but for any Christian that was wronged and who’s faith was shaken by another’s harsh words or misguided actions. I believe that God has His hand on us, especially those who are hurting and broken. He accepts us when it seems like everyone else has rejected us. 

Jesus Is Coming Soon!

In America we have so much freedom.

We have freedom to gather and worship God and have fellowship with Christians. People in other countries fight for that. They risk their lives for that fellowship. They don’t have access to God’s word like we do.

I am realizing how great I have it where I am. I am realizing how comfortable my life really is. I am realizing that my worries about the future, what I am going to do with my life, if I’ll have enough money if my car breaks down, who my friends are, who I will marry. That does not matter.

It is so easy here, to lose sight on what is important.

Even when we think we have our eyes on what’s important, we still live such selfish lives.

I don’t want to live selfishly anymore. I want to do something. I have it so good here. And we are running out of time. How much longer are we going to live our lives so selfishly?

What I do for a living isn’t important. What kind of car I drive isn’t important.

There are so many things that are not important.

But there is one thing that is important- the gospel. Jesus is coming soon. And there will come a day, whether it be my death or Jesus’s return, that I will no longer be here. No longer be able to make a difference in people's lives. No longer able to share my abundance.

I want the time that I have here on this earth to matter. 

the ending of a cycle

we praise him. we love him. we reject him. 
we serve him. we turn to him. we run from him. 
we get off track. and we get back on. 
we worship and then we feel numb. 
I am tired of the cycle. tired of living life on emotions. 
i want to live my life around the Lord. 
and I want to surrender all. 
Im not perfect, trials are expected but the king has resurrected and hes coming again for us soon! 
this life will be a distant faded memory and soon He will be all that I see. 
amen. 

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Something I wanna share. 

This morning I woke up to a dream where I was holding a book of records of all the times I've been hurt. 

I thought about the dream as I got up and headed for the shower when I remembered part of the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:5  ...Love keeps no record of wrongs

And it kind of gently slapped me in the face. 

If I keep hanging on to the things that have been said or done to me that hurt me, I will not be able to truly love.

If I hold things against my friends and my family and other people around me, I am putting a wedge between myself and them. And ultimately I am putting a wedge between myself and God. (Forgive..as your heavenly father has forgiven you.) 

And I realized that even if I play it out as "its all just fine" attitude and the other person thinks I'm ok..but I keep hanging on to the hurt and keep thinking of what they did to hurt me, they may think we're perfectly fine...and they're fine. But I am sipping on a cup of poison that eats at my heart, taking aways so much of the relationship I could have with God and people. Taking away so much of my ability to truly love. 

If you know me well, you know that I am an extremely sensitive person. 

And you also know that I have an overactive brain and overanalyze to the point where I can't sleep.

I get caught up on the past often. 

And I realized through this dream. 

That even though I have been made this way, I need to change something..or bitterness and pain from the past wrongs will eat me alive. 

And yes, people make bad choices that make it seem like God wasn't telling the truth when He said He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. But that's the amazing thing about free will. We make choices. And they're not always the right ones. And once they've been made there is no turning back. And sometimes our choices hurt people. But God works with it. He works in the hurt and in the pain. He always makes somehing beautiful come from it.

And He is ALWAYS there. He's there with me when I'm crumpled and wondering why. He's there when everythings right. And He is even there when I am angry, accusing, and questioning Him. And even when I want to give Him up...He is still there. 

He is always there. Through all the times I reject Him and his commands. And He never bitterly keeps records of all those times I've betrayed him. He forgives. He gave his son so I can live. ....So why aren't I living? Why am I letting the past keep me down. Why have I stopped fighting the fight? 

And if I want to be like Jesus...I need to do the same thing He does for me. 

I need to aim for perfect love. The kind of love 1 Corinthians 13 talks about. 

I need to throw away that book of wrongs that I have hidden in my heart....and for the last time, let it go. 

And start living life. 

And re-learn what it's like to really, really love. 

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 Corinthians 13 4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, itkeeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 Italways protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All I Need

I see you 
I breathe your name 
I feel you 
I'm not the same 


In the sunrise 
In the evening sky 
In the kitchen 
In the birds that fly 


In the moonlight 
In the setting sun 
In the rushing wind 
You are the one 


Who makes the stars 
Dance in the sky 
Makes the rain fall 




Youre all I need 
Every blessing and more 

A Little Poem

Listen here, little one

I'm sad to see what you have done

You've taken love 

And mushed it up to gray

Distorted views 

Your minds askew

By the world full of satan's tools

To make us stray

Be careful heart of mine 

Of what you see and what you do

Love was never meant to be this way

Theres danger here 

But God is near 

Seek first the Lord

The rest will fall to place

Making the Most of Every Moment

I've been thinking alot in the past two weeks. I've been praying alot about this too and I finally feel like I can put it into words.

I am sick of living in the past. From this day forward, when I am with people, I am going to be with, people. Too many times I miss out on great moments because I am thinking about someone else or missing a time in my life, living in my old memories, or whatever I have to be sorry for myself about at the time.

I am SO sick of it.

Because who knows how much time we really have with the people we love?

Who knows what's gonna happen in the future?

Today could be my last day on earth. I don't want to leave knowing that I could have left the people that I love hurt by my own selfishness...

So, I'm really going to work on being with people, not wasting time worrying, and just showing the people I love that I love them.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It isn't proud.

It doesn't dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I want to really love my friends and family. I know its so much easier said than done...talking about making the most of each moment and actually doing that is really hard...Technology doesn't make it any better.

But I'm working on it.

More Bible Verses I Am Fond Of

Genesis 50:19

But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in place of God? You intended to harm but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Psalm 54:4

Surely God is my help; The Lord is one who sustains me.

Psalm 54:7

For he has delivered me from all my troubles and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the rightcheous fall.

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?

Psalm 57:1

Have mercy on me, O God, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in you until the disaster has passed.

Proverbs 27:5-6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted but and enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:12

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer through it.

Proverbs 27:19

As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects a man.

Hebrews 10:22

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith...

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in habit of doing but let us encourage one another and all the more as you see the day approaching.

Psalm 62:1-2 My soul finds rest in God alone My salvation comes from him He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress I will never be shaken

Exodus 4:11

Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 63:3-4

Because your love is better than life my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift my hands.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Mark: 7:6-7

These people honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me. The worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.

Hebrews 12:14

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Psalm 68:19-20

Praise is to the Lord, to God our savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the sovereign Lord comes escape from death.

Psalm 69:6

May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me.

Proverbs 1:33

But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease without fear of harm.

Mark 8:33

But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter, "Get behind me Satan!" he said " You do not

have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Mark 8:36

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul.

Mark 8:50

Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves and be at peace with each other.

James 1:2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

James 1:5

If any of you lack wisdom he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and will be given to him.

James 1:19-20

Dear brothers and sisters take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. For mans anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Psalm 73:21-26

Then I realized that my heart was bitter and I was torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorius destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Proverbs 3:25-26

You need not be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.

Ecclesiasties 5:2

Dont make rash promises and dont be hasty in bringing matters before God.

Ecc 5:7

Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead.

Ecc 6:9

Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless-like chasing the wind.

James 5:3

Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises.

Exodus 14:13

But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just be still and watch the Lord rescue you today.

Ecc 7:10

Don't long for "the good old days". This is not wise.

1 Peter 1:6

So be truly glad. There is a wonderful joy ahead even though you have to endure many trials for awhile.

1 Peter 1:8

You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him and rejoice with a glorius inexpressible joy. 

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 16 February 2011 at 18:31

So, I've been reading the bible more and I'm also reading a Joyce Meyer book called Power Thoughts. There's three things I've read in the past twenty four hours that struck me personally.

1.) In Power Thoughts theres a section called "Don't Make It Personal". Meyer writes: "Automatically blaming ourselves when something goes wrong or thinking everything that goes wrong is intended against us as individuals is called 'personalizing' and it makes positive thinking very difficult."

Joyce just described my life. I worry too often. And when I dont have enough to worry about I look at other peoples' problems and somehow in some twisted way, I blame myself for them. Like silly things, if someone is in a bad mood or upset, I automatically think that its because of something that I did. Even if I hadn't seen or talked to the person for a long time. It started early in life. I remember in sunday school or school when the group was rowdy and loud and the teacher would chastise us as a group, I would feel so guilty for being bad even though I was sitting quietly and paying attention...

Another thing that hit me from Power Thoughts is how Joyce described 'polarizing', basicly feeling like a horrible human being over one innocent mistake made.

Ahgh....I totally do this!

I did this today even after reading this chapter.

The group leader for a group asked for me to do a tray talk while I was eating lunch and I told him that the hostesses would do it for him in the evening. They just had sack lunches and I wouldn't be able to demonstrate it anyway. But then I felt guilty because I probably should have done it. And I beat myself up about it throughout the rest of the shift...

Why do I do this?

Why do we do this?

Why do we freak out about the smallest little mistake?

It's a mistake. People make them all the time. And they learn from them...so why do I have such an obsession with not making mistakes...and why do I tear myself down so much when I do make them...all the mistakes I have made, big and small have made me learn something either about myself, about other people, or about life. It keeps me from taking risks. It keeps me from doing things that I know I would be good at.

I've always known that these were my problems. But I never really realized how much they bring me down....I need to change this. I like this book.

2.) And....yesterday I was reading my bible in Matthew chapter twenty six, the chapter right before Jesus is crucified. I was reading along like I do when I read this chapter when I got to the part of Judas. He was one of the twelve men chosen to follow him. He listened to his teaching, he watched him perform miracles....And he traded all that for thirty pieces of silver...

It brought tears to my eyes.

And then I got to verses 48-50:

48 Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” 49 Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.

 50 Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend." 

He still called him friend.

He didn't scoff.

He didn't glare at him.

He wasn't angry.

He called him friend.

I don't know if this makes sense to you...but I dont know why that just hit me the way it did. 

So many times when I have someone hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, it affects my view on them and affects my relationship with them. At least I think it does. I try to look past the hurt but theres always a piece of me that doesn't...

I am reading more about Jesus...and how he lived.

And I really want to be like Jesus.

I want to live like he did.

I want to love like he did.

The only difference is, Jesus was perfect. He never sinned.

And I'm just a faulty human. I make mistakes.

But I'm learning. I'm going to make more mistakes.

But I'm also going to learn more about Jesus.

I'm just falling in love with the way He lived.

Ahhh...man...tangents.

haha

And the last thing:

these lyrics:

I thought i did what's right

I thought i had the answer

I thought i chose the surest road

But that road brought me here

So i put up a fight

And told You how to help me

And just when i had given up

The truth has come clear

Chorus

For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go, the need to know why

Cause You know better than I

If this has been a test

I cannot see the reason

But maybe knowin', I don't know

Is part of gettin through

I try to do what's best

And faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is put my faith in You

Chorus

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow

But it was You who taught them how to fly

If I let you reach me, will You teach me

For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go, the need to know why

I'll take what answers You supply

Cause You know better than I

This song is from the movie Joseph King of Dreams. I haven't been able to stop listening to it. It's a dreamworks film based on the story of Joseph in Genesis. They play the song when Joseph is in prison after being thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by his brothers, and wrongfully accused of seducing Potiphars wife....he was just an innocent boy that had a couple of dreams. And he was treated like a criminal...

But if it wasn't for being betrayed by his own flesh and blood, and thrown into prison for something he didnt do he wouldn't have been there to interpret Pharogh's dreams. He wouldn't have been there to save Egypt from seven years of famine.

God had great plans for Joseph even when he was in his lowest place he believed that. And God blessed him abundantly.

Yep....so thats what I've been thinking about in the past 35 hours....

God is so amazing.

(P.S. Thanks Dad, for getting me that Joyce Meyer book for my birthday!)

My Declaration

I'm stuck. I want to move forward but I think the clock has stopped ticking. Every second is torture. Every minute feels like a day. Waiting for this ever growing feeling of unpleasantness to fade. Waiting for things to be the way they were. The clock is broken. Time is decelerating. I'm longing. I feel alone.

Then You whisper my name. You remind me that you're by my side.

You're behind me. Covering me. Protecting me. Walking with me. I long to know you more.You long for me to love you. You dont need me to need you. You want me to need you. You want me to look to you in my hardest tribulations.

It's an endless cycle. I'm circling around with these ups and downs and its making me afflicted. I need to get off the train. I want to surrender. I want to walk with you constantly and not forget who you are. I need to give you all of me. I can't hold back.

I don't need religion. I don't need a spiritual expirience.

I need your prescence. I need you.

I don't need human love and validation.

I need your love.

I don't need things.

I need your word.

There is so much this world has to offer.

I don't need it, I don't want it.

I need You, God.

I need YOU to direct my path.

Help me make decisions.

Help me live for you.

Even when it hurts.

Even when its not what I want.

Help me live for you.

I give you my heart.

I give you my life.

I'm offering everything.

In Jesus's name. Amen.

Thoughts 1-12-11

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 12 January 2011 at 06:46

These past four days have been very interesting. I feel different than I did last Saturday, about many things. A hunger has developed in me. I want God. I want to learn and grow and be the best person I can be.

I just finished the book "Rachel's Tears" for the 3rd time. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school shooting in 1999. I read the book first when I was in eighth grade. It was given to me by my old youth pastors. Rachel had such a passion for God and such an intimate relationship with him that was evident to everyone around her and especially evident through her journals.

I devoured the book for the third time got things out of it that I didn't the first time. After a visit to a homeless shelter, a meeting with a pastor, reading "Rachel's Tears", and spending longer than fifteen minutes in my quiet time with the Lord I am full of thoughts. Here are some of them:

●     Life is short. Whether we live long lives or for only a brief time, like Rachel Scott did, life is short. It is just a blink in time. My life could end in an instant. Your life could end in an instant. I want every day to matter. I don't want to let a moment pass by wasted. I don't want to just go through the motions of a typical Christian lifestyle. I want to be completely 100% sold out to God. I want to walk with him with every thing I do, everywhere I go, and every word that I speak. I want to shine for Him and more than anything, when people look at me, I want them to see Jesus.

●     I'm done with this pity party. For 7 years now I've let myself be sad about things. My parents' divorce. Half my family being in FL, and the other half in IN. Being hurt by friends. Being hurt by the church. I'm letting go. I'm done with being sad. I'm all cried out. I'm giving it to God. Every day, giving it to God, and moving on with my life, determined to not be the cause for someone else's sadness one day.

●     Forgiveness is important. I need to continue to forgive those that hurt me. I want to be able to be light hearted, letting hurts go as soon as they come. I cannot control my fellow man's actions. We all have free will. So God cannot prevent people from hurting me. Just as he cannot prevent me from hurting people. It is so easy to become bitter. And I don't want to leave this earth with bitterness in my heart.

●      Since August 2008 I have been confused about two things, the gifts of prophecy and the gift of tongues. The church I used to belong to and the church I belong to now have different views on the topic. And I'm still confused. However, I love the verse 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Love is the greatest. It covers a multitude of sins. God is love. What does all this matter without love? I've come to my own conclusions about these topics based on what the bible says and I am also keeping in mind, 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Do not stifle the holy spirit." I don't want to put God in a box. His thoughts aren't my thoughts. I don't know anything. I just know what His word tells me and will save the questions for the day that I meet Him.

●     God has a plan. He has a plan to prosper me, not to hurt me. I'm going to start living every day as it was my last. Because it could be. Tomorrow isn't a promise. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that he is taking care of me. He always has. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to question my decisions when I make them with him. Cause I know that he is with me wherever I go.

Finally I would like to say, if I've hurt anyone and caused them to be bitter or hurt, please tell me. Let's talk it out. I don't want to be the reason why someone is angry or hurt. I want to work things out. This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I just know how easy it is to let little hurts grow into big hurts from one foolish conversation.  I want peace. I want harmony. :) That is all.

To God be the glory.

-Noelle.

Thoughts 12-4-2010

-I need a job.

-I've figured out that I'm going to just get an associates degree in general studies at Ivy Tech since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I want to work with kids but I don't want to be a teacher. I like writing but really don't want to be a journalism major. I like psychology but I don't want to be a psychologist.

- My dad is having surgery next thursday. He's going to be out of work for 6 weeks....I really, really need a job. So I can help out and buy groceries...and so we dont kill each other. 

- Vivvian and Emily are coming home soon! :)

- I miss Wisconsin already but don't miss certain aspects of it. I'm glad I moved back. I feel so much safer.

-I wish I could find a job exactly like my job at timber-lee. It would make life so much easier.

-I really don't like going to my church anymore. I was just there tonight. And I was just not connecting....and that makes me really sad.

-I don't miss my former church.

-I am really hoping to be able to go to school full time this semester.

-I don't want to be in a relationship for a looong time. I have a desire for it sometimes. But I am content being alone.

-I want to try a new church tomorrow morning.

-I wish I didn't have church issues.

- I need to clean my room. & I really need to clean my car,

- I miss my Wisconsin friends. But I'm soo thankful I have Adair Engel.

-I love the snow. I love winter. I wish I had a warmer winter coat. Some hats and gloves would be nice too....meh I will survive.

- I know God is in control and he has the plans for my life and all, but I feel like I'm floating in the air...only it's more like falling, like crashing, and I don't know when I'm going to safely land on the ground. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm going to pay for stuff. Cause I dont have a job. And I miss people. I want to be at a point where I am content. I have been wandering since 2008...I'm so confused about so many things.

-Christmas makes me happy but it also makes me disgusted in some ways.

-That is all. 

November 20th

I used to write songs...

I used to trust...

I used to not be so skeptical of everything

I used to be more passionate...

I dont know who I am anymore

I dont know who You are anymore.

I want to trust again

I want to grow

I want to move past all this

I want to know you

Last year someone that I used to be close with asked me what was wrong with me and what happened to the loveable kid that used to put prayer requests in for stray dogs.

I am not that kid anymore.

Too much has happened

With my parents.

With my church

With my faith

I've been through too much to stay the same as I once was.

But you know what, Im sick of this pity party.

It's been a continuous one since 2004

And Im done

Im ready to find myself again...

Only its not gonna be the same

Because everything Ive been through is only going to make me stronger

There is a change coming....

Colossians 3:13

It doesn't matter about who was right and who was wrong anymore...

It doesn't matter if you've forgiven me for things that I've done.

I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to move past this.

We are both loved children of God and one day we will stand face to face before Him.

I want to stand before Him one day without an ounce of bitterness or resentment in my heart.

I am letting go.

I forgive you.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  

Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.

Thoughts 9-26-10

So I've been living in Wisconsin for nearly four months now. I can no longer sing the "I'm living in Wisconsin...but only in my mind." song. It's so weird. I love it....it's just weird not having a place to go to get away from it all...I guess that that is home now. Weird.

Overall, I'm happy that I've moved.

Life is good here. I live two miles away from Timber-lee with a family that decided they trusted me enough to reside in their basement. I work four days a week and have the weekends off. I found a church that I really like. (Lake Land Community Church)  I have friends that are not too far from me.

It was a really hard transition at first. I don't know. I think it might help that I'm going home next weekend until Monday. I miss Dad, Shannah, J, and Adair sooo much but there's just nothing in that town for me except the job at the movie theater (bleh), a bunch of painful memories, and the horrifying chance that I will run into people that I am not prepared to see. (And that alwaysssss happens...because it's Portage and the only things to do are go to the movies, and walk around wal-mart...)

These last couple of months have taught me a lot about God and about life and friends...and relationships.

-God is so amazing. I feel like I'm learning more about Him every day. I can't really explain more than that.

-Life is funny...it's good...but it's hard. And the only time that it's gonna stop being hard is when I'm in Heaven. I've realized here, that there is nothing that can satisfy me. I always thought (or hoped) that once I moved to Wisconsin things would be sooo much better. And they are but life is still hard. My problems are still my problems there's just a change of scenery and I'm further away from my family. Nothing will satisfy..all my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life here...they don't mean a thing. I don't know what career I might choose. And I don't think it really matters...as long as I serve the Lord with my whole heart and live for Him...and be a witness to people. I could die tomorrow, without filling my dreams of getting married and having kids, and I would be fine with that.

-So after I graduated high school and all my friends left for college I don't think I've ever felt so lonely. And soon that loneliness became a normal thing. And I got used to it. I didn't need people. But it was cool when I did see them. Well, I went into Camp Timber-lee not really knowing what was going to happen but just happy that I would be getting out of my town for the summer and in Wisconsin for three months. I realized how much I missed having people around me. For the past two years I've always thought of myself as such an independent. Like...I could live by myself forever and it would matter to me...But I don't feel that way anymore. I realized how much I need people to be there for me, to hold, to love, the laugh with, and to build me up when I'm down. And I'm so blessed that God brought these people into my life. I can't imagine life without them now.

-Relationships. So this summer I almost got into something with a guy and I am so glad I didn't.  I realized what I want in a relationship and what I do not want. I'm not going to date just to date. When I decide to date someone it's going to be because I KNOW that he is someone that I can spend the rest of my life with forever. ( I've probably said this before...but it's different when you actually have the option of being with someone that you like too...) But yeah... I'm just waiting until God brings the right guy into my life...And when he does...I'll know. I think. Until then I'm content.

But yeah...thats my thoughts on this Sunday morning. God is good. Life is good. And now I really need to go and get ready for church. haha.

Funk

I'm feeling a little bit like a fraud. I don't know whats wrong with me these past few days. It's like the fact that I only have a couple of close friends left is hitting me. I miss the old days. I miss feeling like a part of something. My mini church is great but I realized...I'm sharing my private thoughts with people who don't even know me and most likely will not know me because the mini church is temporary. I feel like when I talk they don't get it. I just miss the old days.

Everything's changed. I am not questioning whether Gods real or not because I know He is....I just feel something very weird with Him. I can't explain it. Like I pray and read the bible but I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm not good enough. Which I know is ridiculous because I know that theres nothing I can do to make him love me more.

I just don't know whats wrong with me....

Today

13 hours ago I did something that will change my life forever. I finally officially committed to the church I have been attending for two years now, Faith Church in Dyer, Indiana. Faith is larger church and they are a part of the reformed church of america, which is a big change from the denomination I was raised in. One thing I have learned though is, where you go to church and what denomination it is doesn't matter as much as whether or not you are being fed and growing.

Faith church has become such a special place in my heart and I am proud to call it my home. I know God has some great things in store for me. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't know exactly which direction my life is going but all I can do is stay true to who I am, do what is right, and trust in Him.

I so look forward to growing there, meeting some people my own age and growing with them (once my thursday night class ends so I can finally go to Catalyst), and getting plugged in a ministry. I'm really thinking about volunteering in Treasureland because I miss babies!!! I miss little ones so much. I don't regret quitting the day care because I was literally going insane there but I do miss being around kids.

Meanwhile, as I go through this dry period, I speaking truth against the enemies lies and living my life so I glorify the Lord.