Thoughts 12-4-2010

-I need a job.

-I've figured out that I'm going to just get an associates degree in general studies at Ivy Tech since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I want to work with kids but I don't want to be a teacher. I like writing but really don't want to be a journalism major. I like psychology but I don't want to be a psychologist.

- My dad is having surgery next thursday. He's going to be out of work for 6 weeks....I really, really need a job. So I can help out and buy groceries...and so we dont kill each other. 

- Vivvian and Emily are coming home soon! :)

- I miss Wisconsin already but don't miss certain aspects of it. I'm glad I moved back. I feel so much safer.

-I wish I could find a job exactly like my job at timber-lee. It would make life so much easier.

-I really don't like going to my church anymore. I was just there tonight. And I was just not connecting....and that makes me really sad.

-I don't miss my former church.

-I am really hoping to be able to go to school full time this semester.

-I don't want to be in a relationship for a looong time. I have a desire for it sometimes. But I am content being alone.

-I want to try a new church tomorrow morning.

-I wish I didn't have church issues.

- I need to clean my room. & I really need to clean my car,

- I miss my Wisconsin friends. But I'm soo thankful I have Adair Engel.

-I love the snow. I love winter. I wish I had a warmer winter coat. Some hats and gloves would be nice too....meh I will survive.

- I know God is in control and he has the plans for my life and all, but I feel like I'm floating in the air...only it's more like falling, like crashing, and I don't know when I'm going to safely land on the ground. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm going to pay for stuff. Cause I dont have a job. And I miss people. I want to be at a point where I am content. I have been wandering since 2008...I'm so confused about so many things.

-Christmas makes me happy but it also makes me disgusted in some ways.

-That is all. 

I just got out of the hospital for phnemonia two days ago. I am currently in the worst mood. I don't feel good. I am probably going to have a bunch of bills to pay soon and I really, really, really don't want to go back to work. I have a headache just thinking about it. I feel like crying. I don't know what I am doing with my life. I don't know where I am going. I know I am over working myself but I can't do anything about that. People just don't understand. I am so stressed out. I just want to go away. Far, far away. It would be nice to be a little kid again, shielded from the real world. But here I am, and I don't know what to do.

Gosh this week has been rough. I wish the weekend could last forever.

I am going to stay as far away from people as I can.

This week was SO stressful at work. It felt like every day was 17 years. No joke.

& It does not help that for the past two or three days I have been unexplainably emotional.

Today I was out with the three to five year olds at recess. I finally started to cry....and of course the kids then decide they all want a drink of water...So it went kind of like this.

Kid: Miss Noelle, I'm thiiiirsty!

Me: Hold on. (Through a sob..)

It's really not the kids that make me so stressed out. It's the inconsistancy. Sometimes I feel like a bouncy ball. It's making me crazy. Ask Shannah...

 I love all of the kids. There's a special few that I have really bonded with. So much that when I clock out I stay anyway just to spend time with them.

Working with kids is a possible career choice I think....I don't know what age group, Maybe some kids who don't wet themselves. :)

So, I drove to Milwaukee on Monday. I was totally not planning on it. But there I was on 94 west toward Chicago at 12 in the afternoon.

Let me start at the beginning...Friday I was told I would be getting 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Finally, I would have consistancy...I was excited. Not only for the consistancy but also for the money. Maybe, I thought, just maybe I would finally be able to get out of that house and be on my own in a small studio apartment. I would be able to get the kitten I had I always wanted and name it Kenny. I would be able to not have to deal with my dad's lunatic behavior...In awhile at least.

I was even thinking about quitting at the Imax...but praise God, I didn't!

I go into work on Monday, all chipper and ready to play with the kids and change poopy diapers and then Christy calls me into her office and I'm told that we, again, have like 20 kids and we're over-staffed and they don't need me until 2. Every day. So my hours significantly change from 40 hours to 20. And my salary changes from 320 a week to 160 a week.

Later I decided I wanted to see my grandpa and Christy said I could have the day off to go see him...I went and followed directions from mapquest and somehow ended up in Harvey....(bad neighborhood...) So I gave up, turned around, and drove all the way to Milwaukee.

And what did I get from spontaneous trip to Wisconsin #3?

-A moose pen.

-Another Wisconsin bumper sticker.

-Shampoo.

I think I just needed to get out of town. I needed a break. Even though I love the new job...there are some things I don't love. Like certain people who treat me like I don't have a clue what I'm doing and others who can't get it through their heads that my name is NOELLE and NOT NICOLE! It's fine when you mistake my name once or twice but seriously, FIVE TIMES IN THREE HOURS???? WHAT IS THAT??

And then there's the fact that I'm never knowing where I am going to be.

"Noelle is going to be with the waddlers."

"No, Noelle is going to be with the toddlers..even though half of the toddlers are disobiediant animals and all pretty much hate her."

Let's just use Noelle for the things that we don't want to do. Because she's the new person.

Ok, not everyone I work with act like that...but some do. And ok, I guess it's better than working with some of the people at the IMAX but it's more personal and dramatic there because I've been at that church for sooo flipping long. And it hurts when people you've known for...like 11 years treat you poorly.

So, yeah. I don't know. I just don't know. I still love it there. I love Christy. But some things/people are.....UGH!

Drained

Sometimes it feels like the only one who truly understands me is God. That's alright, but it gets annoying sometimes. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm holding a 1000 pound bucket and every ten minutes someone's throwing in another 10 pounds. I am so stressed and I feel like noone cares. It's just everything. School, friends, family, everything. I can't take it.

I think this is why I like Wisconsin. I don't have to deal with people, it's just me, God, and the beautiful nature. I feel free of my burden. Maybe it is just one big dreamland, but you know what? Who cares? I bet you all have Wisconsins. Places where you get away from all the stress for a little while. Only yours probaly isn't 300 miles away.

I don't know where I'm going in this note. I'm just sick of it all and ready to be somewhere else in my life.

Meanwhile I'm just gonna focus on God. And that's it. Because I don't want to be anyone but me and I'm not going to pretend like I'm okay when I'm not.

I am not keeping my Noelle-I'm-doing-ok mask on.

Beautiful Lyrics:

When the weight of all my dreams

Is resting heavy on my head,

And the thoughtful words of help and hope

Have all been nicely said.

But Im still hurting,

Wondering if Ill ever be

The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me

That youve made me from the first,

And the more I try to be the best

The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,

Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be

Is what youve made me.

Any more or less would be a step

Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,

Help me always keep in mind

That I only have to do

What I can find.

And all I ever have to be

All I have to be

All I ever have to be

Is what youve made me.