Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.

Oh Deer!

Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life.