2011

This year hasn't been the best year on the surface. I've dealt with a lot of past emotions sneaking up on me. I've dealt with a lot of crappy situations. 

 

And I am in many ways still healing and dealing with the past. 

But I would never say 2011 has been a bad year. Even though some awful things have happened. I have learned so much about God by sticking to the bible reading plan that I constructed last Jan. I have had several great days with God. I never truly understood what it was like to have a relationship with God until this year. I have grown through the pain and through the questions. It was all neccasary, everything that I've been through. 

And I look forward to 2012 and the new things I have to learn and expirience. 

Thank you Lord, for the good times and the bad. You give and take away but my reward remains in You. 

Thank you Lord. 

Jeremiah 23

On Saturday, Jeremiah 23 was the next thing for me to read in my bible reading schedule. It really stuck out to me.

  

“What sorrow awaits the leaders of my people—the shepherds of my sheep—for they have destroyed and scattered the very ones they were expected to care for,” says the Lord.

 ² Therefore, this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to these shepherds: “Instead of caring for my flock and leading them to safety, you have deserted them and driven them to destruction. Now I will pour out judgment on you for the evil you have done to them. ³ But I will gather together the remnant of my flock from the countries where I have driven them. I will bring them back to their own sheepfold, and they will be fruitful and increase in number. ⁴ Then I will appoint responsible shepherds who will care for them, and they will never be afraid again. Not a single one will be lost or missing. I, the Lord have spoken!

 ⁵ “For the time is coming,”

Verses three and four really hit me.

Even though teen mania, the ones that were supposed to protect us and were supposed to help lead us to safety, they led some of us astray. But what God says is truth. I see it in the blog. I see it in the hurting people. He’s gathering the lost and the hurting up, He’s making it so we will be fruitful, so we will increase in number, and he will give us responsible shepherds. We will never be afraid again.

This is not only for people that were led astray buy abusive internships but for any Christian that was wronged and who’s faith was shaken by another’s harsh words or misguided actions. I believe that God has His hand on us, especially those who are hurting and broken. He accepts us when it seems like everyone else has rejected us. 

Seasons

Things have been going pretty good for me lately. I’m making a decent amount of money at my jobs. I’m on good terms with all of my family and all of my friends. Yet something in me decided that I needed to take a break from communicating with them. I’ve been isolating myself since Wednesday. And the silence is almost deafening.

Why did I do this you ask?

I’m not sure. I think it is in the anticipation of the hard times ahead. Cause I know things can’t be this great forever. There will be times where I won’t have anyone but God. There will be times when I will be betrayed. There will be times when I’m rejected. There will be times when my mistakes cause me to have a loss. Just like the past.

Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. 
Maybe I’m just afraid.

I guess I am afraid.

But I believe that it is a rightful fear.

I don’t want to have such a dependence on the good I have in my life right now. Because it makes me lose focus on the One that is constant, the one that does not change. 

Jesus Is Coming Soon!

In America we have so much freedom.

We have freedom to gather and worship God and have fellowship with Christians. People in other countries fight for that. They risk their lives for that fellowship. They don’t have access to God’s word like we do.

I am realizing how great I have it where I am. I am realizing how comfortable my life really is. I am realizing that my worries about the future, what I am going to do with my life, if I’ll have enough money if my car breaks down, who my friends are, who I will marry. That does not matter.

It is so easy here, to lose sight on what is important.

Even when we think we have our eyes on what’s important, we still live such selfish lives.

I don’t want to live selfishly anymore. I want to do something. I have it so good here. And we are running out of time. How much longer are we going to live our lives so selfishly?

What I do for a living isn’t important. What kind of car I drive isn’t important.

There are so many things that are not important.

But there is one thing that is important- the gospel. Jesus is coming soon. And there will come a day, whether it be my death or Jesus’s return, that I will no longer be here. No longer be able to make a difference in people's lives. No longer able to share my abundance.

I want the time that I have here on this earth to matter. 

Healing and Thankfulness

Three years ago I went to the Honor Academy after high school and it was only for five days but it was clear to me that things that were going on there were not right. Even though my dad already paid for two months of the internship, I made the hard decision with fervent prayer and the Lord showed me this verse when I was making that difficult decision.

Galatians 1:6-10

6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse!

 10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I thank the Lord that He showed me that I was making the right decision. 

I thank the Lord that I got out safely and got home safely on that thirty hour bus ride.

And I thank Dawn and Kevin Engel for supporting me while I was there and when I decided to go home. 

And I thank all that did support my decision in leaving. 

And I thank MSNBC and the woman that started recoveringalumni.com for giving me confirmation that I made the right decision. And for helping thousands of hurting people that left Honor Academy. 

And this is probably hardest to say, I thank God for my short five day expirience at Honor Academy. It pushed me to seek the Lord more than I ever had and even though there was a lot of confusion and pain afterwards I grew so much closer to God through the expirience. I also realized through my bus ride home one of my passions in life is to help minister to homeless people. I thank God for Travis in that little bus station in Tyler, Texas. He felt blessed by me but in so many ways I was blessed by him. 

Thank you Lord, for pain & for recovery. 

Amen. 

the ending of a cycle

we praise him. we love him. we reject him. 
we serve him. we turn to him. we run from him. 
we get off track. and we get back on. 
we worship and then we feel numb. 
I am tired of the cycle. tired of living life on emotions. 
i want to live my life around the Lord. 
and I want to surrender all. 
Im not perfect, trials are expected but the king has resurrected and hes coming again for us soon! 
this life will be a distant faded memory and soon He will be all that I see. 
amen. 

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Something I wanna share. 

This morning I woke up to a dream where I was holding a book of records of all the times I've been hurt. 

I thought about the dream as I got up and headed for the shower when I remembered part of the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:5  ...Love keeps no record of wrongs

And it kind of gently slapped me in the face. 

If I keep hanging on to the things that have been said or done to me that hurt me, I will not be able to truly love.

If I hold things against my friends and my family and other people around me, I am putting a wedge between myself and them. And ultimately I am putting a wedge between myself and God. (Forgive..as your heavenly father has forgiven you.) 

And I realized that even if I play it out as "its all just fine" attitude and the other person thinks I'm ok..but I keep hanging on to the hurt and keep thinking of what they did to hurt me, they may think we're perfectly fine...and they're fine. But I am sipping on a cup of poison that eats at my heart, taking aways so much of the relationship I could have with God and people. Taking away so much of my ability to truly love. 

If you know me well, you know that I am an extremely sensitive person. 

And you also know that I have an overactive brain and overanalyze to the point where I can't sleep.

I get caught up on the past often. 

And I realized through this dream. 

That even though I have been made this way, I need to change something..or bitterness and pain from the past wrongs will eat me alive. 

And yes, people make bad choices that make it seem like God wasn't telling the truth when He said He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. But that's the amazing thing about free will. We make choices. And they're not always the right ones. And once they've been made there is no turning back. And sometimes our choices hurt people. But God works with it. He works in the hurt and in the pain. He always makes somehing beautiful come from it.

And He is ALWAYS there. He's there with me when I'm crumpled and wondering why. He's there when everythings right. And He is even there when I am angry, accusing, and questioning Him. And even when I want to give Him up...He is still there. 

He is always there. Through all the times I reject Him and his commands. And He never bitterly keeps records of all those times I've betrayed him. He forgives. He gave his son so I can live. ....So why aren't I living? Why am I letting the past keep me down. Why have I stopped fighting the fight? 

And if I want to be like Jesus...I need to do the same thing He does for me. 

I need to aim for perfect love. The kind of love 1 Corinthians 13 talks about. 

I need to throw away that book of wrongs that I have hidden in my heart....and for the last time, let it go. 

And start living life. 

And re-learn what it's like to really, really love. 

Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 Corinthians 13 4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, itkeeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 Italways protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All I Need

I see you 
I breathe your name 
I feel you 
I'm not the same 


In the sunrise 
In the evening sky 
In the kitchen 
In the birds that fly 


In the moonlight 
In the setting sun 
In the rushing wind 
You are the one 


Who makes the stars 
Dance in the sky 
Makes the rain fall 




Youre all I need 
Every blessing and more 

A Little Poem

Listen here, little one

I'm sad to see what you have done

You've taken love 

And mushed it up to gray

Distorted views 

Your minds askew

By the world full of satan's tools

To make us stray

Be careful heart of mine 

Of what you see and what you do

Love was never meant to be this way

Theres danger here 

But God is near 

Seek first the Lord

The rest will fall to place

Life Is Short

Life it too short for grudges.

Life is too short to keep our eyes on anything or anyone but Jesus.

Life is good. Live your life full. Be quick to forgive. Be patient. Be loving.

Even when it's hard.

Even when you were wronged.

Let it go.

Life is too short.

Timber-lee Garbage Cans/Thoughts

Note: This is my assignment I was supposed to do for Lindsay like 6 months ago. Haha.  A story about an object or creature. It had to take place at Timber-lee and needed to be a fable. I don’t really know if this is exactly a fable. (And really...its not good. hahah) But its based off of what I was thinking about today.

----

After being dumped in all morning by a mob of sticky fingered, snot nosed, children the crowd finally died down. The girls that stood behind me took a break to eat breakfast and soon after I knew what would happen. They would come by, dragging Bertha, and then the cups, and then the silverware away. I didn’t bother saying goodbye; I’d see them in three hours.

Sometimes I was taken straight back to the dumpster. Today it wasn’t just me that needed to be dumped, Charlie needed to go out too. The girl that normally takes me out back got distracted by other things and we were forgotten, yet again, the bags of wasted apples, biscuits, sausage patties, and other cumbersome breakfast items were heavy and I was ready for them to be out.

After quite some time, Charlie and I were dragged out the double doors. To my dismay, Charlie was taken first and in the process I was spun around and faced my reflection for the first time. I gazed at myself and was dismayed at my appearance. My lid was dark and slightly ajar, there were stains from this breakfast and previous meals smeared on my front, and my name was scrawled crooked. Roscoe was fading.

Suddenly I felt an overwhelming feeling of self-pity and uselessness wash over me. I watched the tables get washed each day, when I wasn’t facing the wall that is. The cups, the cup wracks, the silverware cart, and the tray cart came back after each meal, clean and rejuvenated. I was given evidence of how I was always the forgotten one.  Bitterness crept into my heart as I thought of those that had it better off than I did, getting washed five times a day and how my sole purpose was to contain people’s rejected meals. Why couldn’t I have a better purpose?

I stewed in my pool of negativity as the empty Charlie was returned, and I was emptied and brought back only for the endless cycle to contain. We were both taken back in and she put new white bags. Then she darted off and Roscoe and I were left alone to talk about the morning. (Salvador was there too, but he is mute.) Before I had the chance to pour my bitter thoughts out on him he said something.

“I want to share something with you Roscoe. This morning while you were being taken to the dumpster, I saw my reflection for the first time.”

I wanted to interrupt with my own thoughts but something inside me stopped to listen.

“I was thinking about how we don’t have the tidiest and most fun job out of all the things in the dining rooms.” Charlie sighed, “But if we didn’t exist; if we were, say, a table instead of a trashcan, there would be no place for the kids to throw their trash away and the whole place would be a mess. Everybody has a purpose, Roscoe.” (The End)

Random possibly unrelated thoughts:

I don’t like what Im doing right now. I am exhausted with both of my jobs. I have never felt more distant with everyone that’s in my life, no matter how close I am to them geographically. I haven’t been writing. I feel stuck. And it’s tiring…I want to quit so bad.

But I know there’s a reason I am where I am. And there is a reason I am going through what I am going through. It sucks. But I am going to use it to give God glory. Or try my hardest to do that. I am not giving up.

That is all.

Making the Most of Every Moment

I've been thinking alot in the past two weeks. I've been praying alot about this too and I finally feel like I can put it into words.

I am sick of living in the past. From this day forward, when I am with people, I am going to be with, people. Too many times I miss out on great moments because I am thinking about someone else or missing a time in my life, living in my old memories, or whatever I have to be sorry for myself about at the time.

I am SO sick of it.

Because who knows how much time we really have with the people we love?

Who knows what's gonna happen in the future?

Today could be my last day on earth. I don't want to leave knowing that I could have left the people that I love hurt by my own selfishness...

So, I'm really going to work on being with people, not wasting time worrying, and just showing the people I love that I love them.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It doesn't envy. It doesn't boast. It isn't proud.

It doesn't dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I want to really love my friends and family. I know its so much easier said than done...talking about making the most of each moment and actually doing that is really hard...Technology doesn't make it any better.

But I'm working on it.

More Bible Verses I Am Fond Of

Genesis 50:19

But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in place of God? You intended to harm but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Psalm 54:4

Surely God is my help; The Lord is one who sustains me.

Psalm 54:7

For he has delivered me from all my troubles and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the rightcheous fall.

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?

Psalm 57:1

Have mercy on me, O God, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in you until the disaster has passed.

Proverbs 27:5-6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted but and enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:12

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer through it.

Proverbs 27:19

As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects a man.

Hebrews 10:22

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith...

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in habit of doing but let us encourage one another and all the more as you see the day approaching.

Psalm 62:1-2 My soul finds rest in God alone My salvation comes from him He alone is my rock and my salvation He is my fortress I will never be shaken

Exodus 4:11

Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 63:3-4

Because your love is better than life my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live and in your name I will lift my hands.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Mark: 7:6-7

These people honor me with their lips but their hearts are far from me. The worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.

Hebrews 12:14

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Psalm 68:19-20

Praise is to the Lord, to God our savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the sovereign Lord comes escape from death.

Psalm 69:6

May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me.

Proverbs 1:33

But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease without fear of harm.

Mark 8:33

But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter, "Get behind me Satan!" he said " You do not

have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Mark 8:36

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul.

Mark 8:50

Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves and be at peace with each other.

James 1:2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

James 1:5

If any of you lack wisdom he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and will be given to him.

James 1:19-20

Dear brothers and sisters take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. For mans anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Psalm 73:21-26

Then I realized that my heart was bitter and I was torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorius destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Proverbs 3:25-26

You need not be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.

Ecclesiasties 5:2

Dont make rash promises and dont be hasty in bringing matters before God.

Ecc 5:7

Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead.

Ecc 6:9

Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless-like chasing the wind.

James 5:3

Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises.

Exodus 14:13

But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just be still and watch the Lord rescue you today.

Ecc 7:10

Don't long for "the good old days". This is not wise.

1 Peter 1:6

So be truly glad. There is a wonderful joy ahead even though you have to endure many trials for awhile.

1 Peter 1:8

You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him and rejoice with a glorius inexpressible joy. 

Bible Verses I Am Fond Of

Psalm 3:3-4

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord and he answered me from his holy mountain.

Psalm 4:4

Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

1 Thessalonians 5:19

Do not stifle the holy spirit.

(stifle:to quell, crush, or end by force, to supress, curb or withhold)

Proverbs 5:24-25

Avoid all perverse talk;stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.

Matt 9:12

...Healthy people don't need a doctor-sick people do.

Psalm 25:3

Noone who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who decieve others.

Psalm 25:21

May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you.

Proverbs 10:12

Hatred stirs up quarrels but LOVE makes up for all offenses.

Proverbs 10:18

Hiding hatred makes you a liar, slandering others makes you a fool.

Proverbs 10:19

Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

Proverbs 14:30

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 15:22

Plans go wrong for lack of advice. Many advisers bring success.

Mark 11:25

But when you are praying first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins too.

Psalm 41:9

Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

Psalm 41:12

In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your prescence forever.

Psalm 57:4

I am in the midst of lions; I lie among ravenous beasts, men who's teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.

Psalm 46: 1-3

God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with surging.

Ephesians 4:29

When  you talk, do not say harmful things but say what people need- words that will help others become strong.

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

1 Thessalonians 5:9-11

For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to recieve salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the spirit's fire, do not treat phrophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. 

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 16 February 2011 at 18:31

So, I've been reading the bible more and I'm also reading a Joyce Meyer book called Power Thoughts. There's three things I've read in the past twenty four hours that struck me personally.

1.) In Power Thoughts theres a section called "Don't Make It Personal". Meyer writes: "Automatically blaming ourselves when something goes wrong or thinking everything that goes wrong is intended against us as individuals is called 'personalizing' and it makes positive thinking very difficult."

Joyce just described my life. I worry too often. And when I dont have enough to worry about I look at other peoples' problems and somehow in some twisted way, I blame myself for them. Like silly things, if someone is in a bad mood or upset, I automatically think that its because of something that I did. Even if I hadn't seen or talked to the person for a long time. It started early in life. I remember in sunday school or school when the group was rowdy and loud and the teacher would chastise us as a group, I would feel so guilty for being bad even though I was sitting quietly and paying attention...

Another thing that hit me from Power Thoughts is how Joyce described 'polarizing', basicly feeling like a horrible human being over one innocent mistake made.

Ahgh....I totally do this!

I did this today even after reading this chapter.

The group leader for a group asked for me to do a tray talk while I was eating lunch and I told him that the hostesses would do it for him in the evening. They just had sack lunches and I wouldn't be able to demonstrate it anyway. But then I felt guilty because I probably should have done it. And I beat myself up about it throughout the rest of the shift...

Why do I do this?

Why do we do this?

Why do we freak out about the smallest little mistake?

It's a mistake. People make them all the time. And they learn from them...so why do I have such an obsession with not making mistakes...and why do I tear myself down so much when I do make them...all the mistakes I have made, big and small have made me learn something either about myself, about other people, or about life. It keeps me from taking risks. It keeps me from doing things that I know I would be good at.

I've always known that these were my problems. But I never really realized how much they bring me down....I need to change this. I like this book.

2.) And....yesterday I was reading my bible in Matthew chapter twenty six, the chapter right before Jesus is crucified. I was reading along like I do when I read this chapter when I got to the part of Judas. He was one of the twelve men chosen to follow him. He listened to his teaching, he watched him perform miracles....And he traded all that for thirty pieces of silver...

It brought tears to my eyes.

And then I got to verses 48-50:

48 Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” 49 Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.

 50 Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend." 

He still called him friend.

He didn't scoff.

He didn't glare at him.

He wasn't angry.

He called him friend.

I don't know if this makes sense to you...but I dont know why that just hit me the way it did. 

So many times when I have someone hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, it affects my view on them and affects my relationship with them. At least I think it does. I try to look past the hurt but theres always a piece of me that doesn't...

I am reading more about Jesus...and how he lived.

And I really want to be like Jesus.

I want to live like he did.

I want to love like he did.

The only difference is, Jesus was perfect. He never sinned.

And I'm just a faulty human. I make mistakes.

But I'm learning. I'm going to make more mistakes.

But I'm also going to learn more about Jesus.

I'm just falling in love with the way He lived.

Ahhh...man...tangents.

haha

And the last thing:

these lyrics:

I thought i did what's right

I thought i had the answer

I thought i chose the surest road

But that road brought me here

So i put up a fight

And told You how to help me

And just when i had given up

The truth has come clear

Chorus

For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go, the need to know why

Cause You know better than I

If this has been a test

I cannot see the reason

But maybe knowin', I don't know

Is part of gettin through

I try to do what's best

And faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is put my faith in You

Chorus

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow

But it was You who taught them how to fly

If I let you reach me, will You teach me

For You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go, the need to know why

I'll take what answers You supply

Cause You know better than I

This song is from the movie Joseph King of Dreams. I haven't been able to stop listening to it. It's a dreamworks film based on the story of Joseph in Genesis. They play the song when Joseph is in prison after being thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by his brothers, and wrongfully accused of seducing Potiphars wife....he was just an innocent boy that had a couple of dreams. And he was treated like a criminal...

But if it wasn't for being betrayed by his own flesh and blood, and thrown into prison for something he didnt do he wouldn't have been there to interpret Pharogh's dreams. He wouldn't have been there to save Egypt from seven years of famine.

God had great plans for Joseph even when he was in his lowest place he believed that. And God blessed him abundantly.

Yep....so thats what I've been thinking about in the past 35 hours....

God is so amazing.

(P.S. Thanks Dad, for getting me that Joyce Meyer book for my birthday!)

My Declaration

I'm stuck. I want to move forward but I think the clock has stopped ticking. Every second is torture. Every minute feels like a day. Waiting for this ever growing feeling of unpleasantness to fade. Waiting for things to be the way they were. The clock is broken. Time is decelerating. I'm longing. I feel alone.

Then You whisper my name. You remind me that you're by my side.

You're behind me. Covering me. Protecting me. Walking with me. I long to know you more.You long for me to love you. You dont need me to need you. You want me to need you. You want me to look to you in my hardest tribulations.

It's an endless cycle. I'm circling around with these ups and downs and its making me afflicted. I need to get off the train. I want to surrender. I want to walk with you constantly and not forget who you are. I need to give you all of me. I can't hold back.

I don't need religion. I don't need a spiritual expirience.

I need your prescence. I need you.

I don't need human love and validation.

I need your love.

I don't need things.

I need your word.

There is so much this world has to offer.

I don't need it, I don't want it.

I need You, God.

I need YOU to direct my path.

Help me make decisions.

Help me live for you.

Even when it hurts.

Even when its not what I want.

Help me live for you.

I give you my heart.

I give you my life.

I'm offering everything.

In Jesus's name. Amen.

A really boring nostalgic sentimental post about my car.

My car is sick. Something about a radiator..or valves..I don't know. It's at the doctor. (With a mechanic.) I don't think I realized how much I'm gonna miss my car when it completely kicks the bucket until today. I won't have a way to get around and I don't have much of a savings account, but that's not the only reason why I'm going to have a hard time saying good-bye to good ol' whatever I named it...I feel like if she was a girl she would be Betsy, and if he was a boy he would be Henry.

Henry/Betsy has been with me since I first got my driver's licence in 2007. I remember my first trip in it was to Adair's house. I ordered a doctor pepper and the creepy burger king guy gave me a oversized cup full of soda for free and it didn't fit in my cup holder. It spilled all over my passenger seat and then I almost hit a rabbit.

It carried me through great times and bad times. Blasting Delta Goodrem and chasing sunsets. Spontaneous trips to wal-mart. Crying over silly high school drama while listening to sad music.

I can't count the minor fender benders I've had in it....or maybe I can.

●     May '07 I accidently rear ended a couple at a stop sign because I was so excited that I bought Dejavu from Walmart that day

●     Summer '07 I ran into a pole at the gas station.

●     Fall '07 I left my lights on and my friend Ryan helped me jump my car. The wind was extremely heavy and the hood blew back and cracked the windshield.

●     I parked on the street one night and a car ran into our mailbox and my car making the lovely dent on the right side of the car. It also took out my side mirror.

●     Dec 2008- My dad decided to use a shovel to get the ice off my back windshield and the next day (Christmas Eve) I was on my way to the pancake thingy at Mare's and I started my car when I noticed it was unusally chilly in my car. Thats when I walked out and stared at the gaping hole and the shattered glass that was everywhere.

●     Fall 2009 I was driving down a bridge distracted by something...and rear ended a really nice lady. We met at the library later that night because the officer gave us the wrong licences.

●     Fall 2010 I hit a deer. It took out my right headlight.

●     Some lady rear ended me in a target parking lot in December of 2010

It was the gateway to my escapes to Wisconsin when life got hard. I would just gas up the car at pump number five and drive until I got somewhere that my troubles weren't as overwhelming.

It's moved my things when I've moved 11 times since 2008.

When my dad was slightly mentally unstable and made me go somewhere else to stay spontaneously, it got me there.

Sadly, my car has been the only stable and steadfast thing in my life. I could always depend on it.

Even when I left my lights on, I knew somehow the battery would start again.

Even when I got in an accident or had close calls, I trusted that it would be ok.

I hope that my car is ok.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to it just yet..

It's a love hate relationship.

Thoughts 1-12-11

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 12 January 2011 at 06:46

These past four days have been very interesting. I feel different than I did last Saturday, about many things. A hunger has developed in me. I want God. I want to learn and grow and be the best person I can be.

I just finished the book "Rachel's Tears" for the 3rd time. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school shooting in 1999. I read the book first when I was in eighth grade. It was given to me by my old youth pastors. Rachel had such a passion for God and such an intimate relationship with him that was evident to everyone around her and especially evident through her journals.

I devoured the book for the third time got things out of it that I didn't the first time. After a visit to a homeless shelter, a meeting with a pastor, reading "Rachel's Tears", and spending longer than fifteen minutes in my quiet time with the Lord I am full of thoughts. Here are some of them:

●     Life is short. Whether we live long lives or for only a brief time, like Rachel Scott did, life is short. It is just a blink in time. My life could end in an instant. Your life could end in an instant. I want every day to matter. I don't want to let a moment pass by wasted. I don't want to just go through the motions of a typical Christian lifestyle. I want to be completely 100% sold out to God. I want to walk with him with every thing I do, everywhere I go, and every word that I speak. I want to shine for Him and more than anything, when people look at me, I want them to see Jesus.

●     I'm done with this pity party. For 7 years now I've let myself be sad about things. My parents' divorce. Half my family being in FL, and the other half in IN. Being hurt by friends. Being hurt by the church. I'm letting go. I'm done with being sad. I'm all cried out. I'm giving it to God. Every day, giving it to God, and moving on with my life, determined to not be the cause for someone else's sadness one day.

●     Forgiveness is important. I need to continue to forgive those that hurt me. I want to be able to be light hearted, letting hurts go as soon as they come. I cannot control my fellow man's actions. We all have free will. So God cannot prevent people from hurting me. Just as he cannot prevent me from hurting people. It is so easy to become bitter. And I don't want to leave this earth with bitterness in my heart.

●      Since August 2008 I have been confused about two things, the gifts of prophecy and the gift of tongues. The church I used to belong to and the church I belong to now have different views on the topic. And I'm still confused. However, I love the verse 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Love is the greatest. It covers a multitude of sins. God is love. What does all this matter without love? I've come to my own conclusions about these topics based on what the bible says and I am also keeping in mind, 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Do not stifle the holy spirit." I don't want to put God in a box. His thoughts aren't my thoughts. I don't know anything. I just know what His word tells me and will save the questions for the day that I meet Him.

●     God has a plan. He has a plan to prosper me, not to hurt me. I'm going to start living every day as it was my last. Because it could be. Tomorrow isn't a promise. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that he is taking care of me. He always has. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to question my decisions when I make them with him. Cause I know that he is with me wherever I go.

Finally I would like to say, if I've hurt anyone and caused them to be bitter or hurt, please tell me. Let's talk it out. I don't want to be the reason why someone is angry or hurt. I want to work things out. This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I just know how easy it is to let little hurts grow into big hurts from one foolish conversation.  I want peace. I want harmony. :) That is all.

To God be the glory.

-Noelle.