the ending of a cycle

we praise him. we love him. we reject him. 
we serve him. we turn to him. we run from him. 
we get off track. and we get back on. 
we worship and then we feel numb. 
I am tired of the cycle. tired of living life on emotions. 
i want to live my life around the Lord. 
and I want to surrender all. 
Im not perfect, trials are expected but the king has resurrected and hes coming again for us soon! 
this life will be a distant faded memory and soon He will be all that I see. 
amen. 

Updates 3-29-10

1.) It has been 5 months since I have been to Wisconsin....and I am missing it like crazy!!! I just need to get out of town! I had an evil plan to go today but woke up like a half hour ago because I was having dreams about giant dogs and pirates. Not to mention my car would probably die but I DONT CARE! I just want to get out of here. I want to go antique shopping, and go to woodmans, and sit by the lake in Lake Geneva. I need to buy some new shampoo- because I am almost out! 

2.) I have a bunch of stuff to do in my classes this week and haven't even started....sigh. Should be fun. 
3.) Looking back on my old xangas and stuff, I realize how prideful I was. I am just down right ashamed of some things I've written on here, and on other xangas. I am doing a lot of self discovery in these past few months. I am very sorry if I've said thing or done things that were offensive to anyone. 
It's like Matt 7:3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
So again, I am very sorry if I've come off as an elitist, arrogant, or stuck up. It's getting to the point where I can't even read my old stuff anymore. It makes me sick.
4.) I miss babies. =( 

Funk

I'm feeling a little bit like a fraud. I don't know whats wrong with me these past few days. It's like the fact that I only have a couple of close friends left is hitting me. I miss the old days. I miss feeling like a part of something. My mini church is great but I realized...I'm sharing my private thoughts with people who don't even know me and most likely will not know me because the mini church is temporary. I feel like when I talk they don't get it. I just miss the old days.

Everything's changed. I am not questioning whether Gods real or not because I know He is....I just feel something very weird with Him. I can't explain it. Like I pray and read the bible but I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm not good enough. Which I know is ridiculous because I know that theres nothing I can do to make him love me more.

I just don't know whats wrong with me....

Letting Go

 Letting go-Its easier said than done. It's a process. Suppressed memories come back and then come new perspectives. 

It's hard to truly let something go when you let it be your first priority. 

It's like, we call on anything BUT God for help when we are hurting. We go to music, alcohol, sleeping pills, and people. 

When in the background God is gently saying, "Call on me!" 

I've changed my priorities and the Lord will continue help me to process and let things go that I never even knew I held on to.  

so I woke up this morning, and I realized something.  I am happy. I am over it. Well, as over it as I can be. I think it was babysitting for Kam, CJ, and Kiana. And the fact that I'm reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love.  And my new mini-church.  No matter how I replay the things that happened in my head, the ending will remain the same.  No matter who was right and who was wrong God loves me and knows my intentions there. I've recognized the problems I did have with my bitterness there, and I've let them go.  God loves me.  I love my new friends/prayer partners in the mini church. I forgot what it was like, to be able to be held accountable with people.  I am happy And I am looking forward to whatever God has in store for me.  =)

News

\1.) Today is my last day at the Imax. Again. 
2.) Starting tomorrow I will be taking care of a woman  who had a stroke full time. 3.) I feel extremely out of place because almost all of my friends are either liking someone, dating someone, or getting married to someone. I don't know. I want to meet someone. I'm ready...but its ok if its not time yet. I dont want to push anything. I want what God wants and if God wants me to be single for awhile then so be it. 4.) Shame on me for trying to share my feelings and thoughts with someone and expect to get some kind of response. That was my fault. Some people just see what they want to see. But there was a serious problem and what I want is an apology or some recognition but I see now for sure that that is not going to happen. So I'm done. I'm done with those people. I'm done with that place. I could never see them again and I would be perfectly fine with that. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. I know I was a hard worker. I'm not going to let their words echo through my head anymore. I'm done.

So....life.

Life is interesting. You think you know people, and the you find out you don't know a thing about them.

You think one thing is the right direction for your life, and then you find out it's not.

I never thought I would go to college. I NEVER thought I would be going to college. It was just something that I wasn't interested in. But then I started working at Sonshine and I realized that there's no way I could be there or any other place like that for the rest of my life. I didn't get that great of grades in high school...but I think this will be different. I can just feel it. I'm going to go to the campus to study on days that I'm not working. (That way I don't get distracted.) I can get tutoring if neccasary. They have a free gym at the campus. It is just so weird how everything worked out.

I was in a situation where I felt stuck, I was overworked. I was stressed out ALL the time. There was no way that I could have worked at the daycare and keep up with school. No way. The week before I quit I cried out to God on my break one afternoon. I told Him that I didn't like the way my life was going and etc.. and I just felt like something was coming. And all the steps were so easy... 

So yeah, I am back at the Imax. It is so weird. Nothing has changed much. I still do most of the work. But I like working with some of the people. I have hope for them. I just hope that I can be a light. I don't want my sour expiriences with Christians make me sour. I want to move past all the crap in my past... I am becoming a member of my church on January 13th (my birthday). I have high hopes.

2009

Time for my yearly reflection...it's one day late...and I normally do this on xanga but let's face it, xanga is dead.

January:

My first couple of weeks at the Imax. I kind of hated it. But yeah then I started to like it after awhile. My dad was being dumb and his girlfriend was with us for like a week. That's when I went to Aunt Mares and discovered Lost, one of my favorite shows. I was spending the night at her house and I decided to just watch the pilot. Then the next day she found me the next day 3/4 of the way into the season. January 30th was the craziest day of 2009. *At the time. Some days in December may have beaten that day but that's a whole different post.

Feburary:

Wasn't really all that different than January. I worked at the Imax, applied for jobs, watched Lost, ate chocolate covered pretzels, bought useless items with my Dad's guilt money that he gave me. I went to Bony Lake with Aunt Mare. I love bony lake...sooo much. Adair, her mom, her brothers, and I went to Michigan to hug a tree. We also took pictures in a cute house.

I had one really bad night at work that month. It was bad and good. Kind of. Hard to explain. But there's a reason why I am back at the Imax. It's just not salty enough.

March:

Kept working. My dad stopped dating the 20 year old. Hurray! (But then his new obsession was home security...ugh.We'll get to that later.)

Started working at Sonshine.

April:

Realised that I was losing my Grandpa Joe. I wrote him a letter, because I never had the courage to go and see him in the hospital. I never gave it to him. I even tried to drive out to see him but I got lost and ended up in Harvey. Then I went back on 94 west and went to Milwaukee.

I was struggling with working two jobs. It was really stressful because there was nothing consistant.

May:

The secound week in May I lost my keycard for work at the Imax for the four millionth time and decided that I needed to resign. It was just too much.

I was so sad to leave though. I made some good friends. I had good times. For some reason the day after my last night I was just so intensely sad. It didn't make any sense. Becaue half the time I hated it.

June:

Vivvian left early during her three week visit. That killed me. It didnt help that I was working 10 hours a day that week she was here. I was so cranky by the time I got home. I was mad at my dad. I don't thinking I've ever been so mad in my life. I whipped my phone at my dash board while I was driving I broke the phone...and part of my dashboard. My anger shocked me.

After Viv left I bought Kenny from petland in rebellion (and loneliness). He's the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Hahahaha!

My Grandpa died on a Thursday night. I never got to say good-bye. The next day at work I was struggling not to fall apart. The following Monday was the funeral and was the saddest funeral I've been too. He was the best Grandpa in the world. He loved the Lord, he prayed with me, he inspired me. I love him and I can't wait to meet him up in heaven. I miss him so much.

July:

"Sometimes I amaze myself. Not in the way like, "Oh I am so amazing!" Or anything.

It just amazes me...how easily I forget that GOD is ALWAYS on my side. That he loves me and has a plan for me. It makes me so mad that I forget that I have him to turn to when I am feeling inferior. He knows what he is doing. I am not going to lead an ordinary life. I refuse." -I had to put this up. I wrote this in July and I think I needed to be reminded of that again.

July was ok. I worked. I went to Wisconsin with my Dad a couple of times. We discovered the renaissance faire.

It was kind of a boring month.

Huzzah.

August:

Same as July. But then I went to Florida and hung out with my family there. I did next to nothing the whole time I was there and I relished every minute of it.

September:

When I came back to Indiana I went back to work for a week and then that weekend was probably the worst weekend I have ever had. I was having a horrible time breathing. I was dizzy. I was wheezing. I threw up phlem. It was sooo darn scary. On Sunday morning I got in the car. I wasn't sure if I should drive myself to church or the hospital (or the gas station to get chocolate.) I didn't make it anywhere. I ended up laying in my car for hour. That's how weak I was. Finally in the afternoon I ended up talking to Emily's mom and she said she would take me to the doctor. (My dad wouldn't because...well he thought it was just another cold that I got from working at the daycare...but I could totally tell it was worse than that.)

Mrs. McGrath took me to the hospital. I was admitted to Porter Memorial with double phnemonia. It was so weird because I had never been admitted in the hospital. I got well enough to go home after four days. I was still feeling like crap though. I did pretty much nothing for four days and then that following thursday I went back to work...even though I still felt like crap. For like two weeks after that I still felt the symptoms. It was not fun.

I got really depressed about the hospital bills...and other stuff.

October:

Was the month of Brooke White and Wisconsin stuff. I drove to Gurnee and went to Great America. I drove to Lake Geneva. It was great. But kinda nerve racking. Because my car is old.

November:

Dad and I got in a fight. I moved in with Emily for awhile. Then I moved into an apartment that was vacant. It was kinda cool. But kinda creepy living alone. Kenny wasn't even with me. That was a dark month. But I did decide to go to school.

Thanksgiving I had the worst case of the stomach flu...like ever. I can never eat chili again. :(

December:

I moved out of the apartment. I quit my job and went back to the Imax. It's so weird. It feels unreal. Viv came to visit.

Not much else to say but that I found out whats real and whats not.

OVERALL:

2009 I learned some necassary lessons about money, working, and stuff. It has really been a crappy year. But at least I learned stuff.

Like that no matter what people say or do for you, God is always the only one I can depend on. I've decided that I want a job that I can work alone in...just be responsible for myself. I am so tired of being the scapegoat. I am going to try harder to stick up for myself and not be so passive.

To be honest, I am really having a hard time. My heart is aching. I'm hurt. I am trying to trust and believe but it is SO hard. I believe God has something better for me and that he knows what he's doing. I just need to trust in him to take care of me. He always has and he always will.

Here's to 2010. Hopefully it doesn't suck as bad as 2009.

Things Are Looking Up!

Yes, there are more changes errupting in my life. This time though, I am not fighting them. Sometimes when you aren't supposed to be somewhere God makes sure that you are out. This is the second time I've had to learn that lesson.

I'm back at the Imax until I find something else. I am going to school in January. I am completely open and willing to whatever God has for me.

Trusting has been a bit hard because of previous issues but God is making it very clear that the only one I can rely on completely is him.

He knows my heart and he knows my intentions. And that is more satisfying than any amount of money or social events on my calender.

The End of an Era

Are we thinking how our words, and actions are affecting people?

Are we being kind and gracious and merciful?

Are we opening our hearts to those who are hurting?

Are we pouring out love or hate?

Are we recklessly scattering his seed or are we keeping our hands in our pockets?

Are we losing our focus?

I've decided to move to Florida in December...looks like everyone's getting what they want.

So I miss school. Rhonda talked me into taking a class or two next semester. I think I'm going to do it...even if it's online. I love Rhonda. She's my favorite. Scrapbooking was fun...even though I definatly didnt scrapbook anything. haha. I just made food, helped with random things, and talking to Katie online about Thanksgiving, Wisconsin, and Mr. Kretz. Good times. I have so many story ideas in my head. I found free creative writing courses online- there's no college credit or anything but it should be cool. I'm gonna do it right now. I think I'm gonna pull an all-nighter tonight and go to church tommorow. That seems like the only way to fix my bad sleeping pattern I've become accustomed to.

Yesterday I went to Whitehorse and then went to go visit Jakob at Purdue West Lafayette. His mom gave me a bunch of stuff to bring him. So he met me by my car and we both took his junk up to his fourth floor room. It was just a very nice visit. It was good to see him again. He really has become one of my best friends. I feel so awful for the ways I have underestimated him in the past. I would go into more detail with that but won't.

 It was so weird being back in a campus like atmosphere. It brought back some flashbacks and memories. The same thing happened when I went to Bethel. By the way...out of the two colleges I've visited I would like to compare and contrast.

Bethel:
-insanely small. I really like the smallness of it actually.
-Christian school.

Purdue WL:
-Huge
-definitely not a Christian school.

See people are trying to get me to go to Bethel (Adair, her mom, Lindsay, other people) and people are trying to get me to go to PWL (Jakob's mother, Jakob, some other random people I met there) and I really don't think I would want to go to either place. 

Now let's get back to the flashbacks/ memories. Just being in the campus atmosphere puts me in a weird place...because it makes me think of the honor academy atmosphere. And I know there is no way you can compare the two because honor academy was just insane and these two campuses are...not. So I don't know if I would be able to go away somewhere and live on campus. And I'm sick of people telling me what I should do...and where I should go! I need this year to figure that out. I don't want to make another hasty decision. I don't want to make another mistake. 

But anyway the whole point of this post was...I dont really remember. I just went off on a rant. 

I guess I just feel so different than everyone...because while there was a radical change in my life during the five days that I spent at honor academy. My thoughts have changed on a lot of things. I am defiantly more distant from people, less trusting (and I'm working on that.) So please, be patient with me!!!! I am still trying to figure out what God has for me. 

So much is happening to me.
So much that I can’t even see.
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be.
Catch me if I should fall.
And even more so while I’m standing tall.

My head is spinning around and it’s making me dizzy.
I’m spinning around and it’s making me ill.
You don’t understand what I’m going through just to find a way to climb.
It’ll be in my own time.
It’ll be in my own time.

Whispering thoughts in all different ways.
That I’m in a daze.
My head is spinning around and it’s making me dizzy.
I’m spinning around and it’s making me ill.
You don’t understand what I’m going through just to find a way to climb.

It’ll be in my own time.
’cause it’ll be in my own time.
In my own time.
In my own time I’ll take a chance.
In my own time I’ll find romance. in my own time.

It’ll be mine.
After the clouds there’ll be the rain.
After the sun there’ll be the moon it doesn’t matter.
’cause it’ll be in my own time 

Changes

I've been looking at old pictures...from around 2005. Alive Fest, Six Flags, all kinds of stuff. Looking at the pictures bring back good and bad memories. It almost makes me want to cry because I miss how some things used to be.& How much close groups of friends have grown apart so easily. But on the other hand, I really don't want to go back. I will treasure the memories in my heart, and mind forever but I really don't want to go back.

I am going to Faith Church now. I enjoy the pastors. I get something out of it every time I go. It's anointed. I go to Campus Life. Adair's my best friend...I dont think I really had a best friend until her. I have realized that neither of my parents are perfect. I have learned to accept that even though they arent together that's not how God wanted it to be. I will learn to get a long with both of them eventually but wont hurt myself by trying to please them.

I feel closer to God so much more than ever. I have realized that his standards are not matched up to the standards of this world. I have let him be my father. I have let him comfort me, rather than relying on people all the time. He is in my heart.

Just a thought.

I don't know if it's a tough love thing she's doing but it hurts. It really hurts. Christy has been a big part of my life since I was eight years old. It feels as if she has disowned me... I am just doing what I believe is God's will. & Seriously how busy can she be with the kids? She can't take two short little minutes to call me  back. It feels like I have lost a friend. I'm trying very hard to move on but it is very, very hard. 

7-19-07

Today Viv and I went to the Engels to watch movies. That made me happy. Open Season was great. I love it.

I've quit myspace. Again. It is horrible. It's an addiction. I honestly can't stand it. And the worst part is I still go on it to see what my friends are up to. And I keep finding things out that I do not want to know. I am just done. Completely 100% done. It's so hard when friends continue to slowly break my heart each day by their descions. And the worst part is, they don't even know they're doing it.

Other than that, I have been getting a whole lot closer to God. It's like this exsperience, this brokeness drew me nearer to Him. I like it, I like it alot.

Verse 1:
I'm so very ordinary, nothing special on my own.
Oh, I have never walked on water,
And I have never calmed a storm.
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark
Chorus:
But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

Verse 2:
Weary brother, broken daughter,
Little widow mother, you're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

Bridge:
Call Him in the mornin', in the afternoon time
Late in the evenin' He'll be there
When your heart is broken,
And you feel discouraged,
You can just remember that He said 
He'll be there

CORNERSTONE

Bella, the only exciting part of the trip.

Mallory holding Bella

Peace

The view from the spot where I was sitting when I was talking to Adair on the cellphone.

Bella asleep

Laura. She had Zebras on her shirt. Ew.

Garbage Can.

Sunset. Gourgeous.

I love it when Bella laughs! She's so adorable.

Random snapshot. Ha.

 

EWWWW.

Sunset number two.

WISCONSIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Started the trip out with this lovely sign. Hooray.

We left around four on that one tuesday The middle is Rhonda, the end is Aunt Mare..

Yay Wisconsin!!!!

My room. I loved my room!

The whole group! Plus the weird guy who "loves hot moms" wow.

The middle are Chris and Debbie. I don't have a clue who the other guys are.

Chris talking to a dude I don't know

.

Debbie and the dude that loves hot moms.

The women in the house. If you're wondering why I am wet....

That is why. Weird people like to spray water guns at the parade goers.

Float

I love the lake. Love. Love. Love. Love. LOVE!

And I love my book WISCONSIN

Carty loves it too.

The gorgeous house I lived in for five days.

The best fireworks show EVER!

The living room. Yeah their house reminded me of a hotel.

Ugh I love their windows!!!!!!!!!!

Cartman. Best. Dog. Ever. (In Wisconsin)

Carty and Polo

Hayward, the pup. He's actually really old. But he looks like a pup here.

Me and Mare when we "Went to town"

Actually, Rhonda came too.

Me and a statue of an old lady. I call her Aunt Flo. Ew.

Peace

Peace x2

EWWWW

Ice Cream

Marilyns future house.

Scrapbooking in Wisconsin!

AHHH! Big Bug on my jacket!

Sick.

Yep.

Yay Boat rides!

"Hey Rhonda, quit taking pictures of me!"

Me and Carty

Sunset on the boat...oooh

Normal

\

Not Normal

Mare and Rhonda

Chris

Rhonda's crazy and ran a marathon on Saturday morning.

Walking to Mare's property.

Mare and Chris on her new property.

Yep, I'm ready for any bears. I'll tear them to shreds with this stick.

Haty going into hiding cause he knows I can't fight a bear off with a stick.

Rhonda and Marilyn are on the island.

Mousehouse Cheese house

THE END