Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life. 

So....life.

Life is interesting. You think you know people, and the you find out you don't know a thing about them.

You think one thing is the right direction for your life, and then you find out it's not.

I never thought I would go to college. I NEVER thought I would be going to college. It was just something that I wasn't interested in. But then I started working at Sonshine and I realized that there's no way I could be there or any other place like that for the rest of my life. I didn't get that great of grades in high school...but I think this will be different. I can just feel it. I'm going to go to the campus to study on days that I'm not working. (That way I don't get distracted.) I can get tutoring if neccasary. They have a free gym at the campus. It is just so weird how everything worked out.

I was in a situation where I felt stuck, I was overworked. I was stressed out ALL the time. There was no way that I could have worked at the daycare and keep up with school. No way. The week before I quit I cried out to God on my break one afternoon. I told Him that I didn't like the way my life was going and etc.. and I just felt like something was coming. And all the steps were so easy... 

So yeah, I am back at the Imax. It is so weird. Nothing has changed much. I still do most of the work. But I like working with some of the people. I have hope for them. I just hope that I can be a light. I don't want my sour expiriences with Christians make me sour. I want to move past all the crap in my past... I am becoming a member of my church on January 13th (my birthday). I have high hopes.

Gosh this week has been rough. I wish the weekend could last forever.

I am going to stay as far away from people as I can.

This week was SO stressful at work. It felt like every day was 17 years. No joke.

& It does not help that for the past two or three days I have been unexplainably emotional.

Today I was out with the three to five year olds at recess. I finally started to cry....and of course the kids then decide they all want a drink of water...So it went kind of like this.

Kid: Miss Noelle, I'm thiiiirsty!

Me: Hold on. (Through a sob..)

It's really not the kids that make me so stressed out. It's the inconsistancy. Sometimes I feel like a bouncy ball. It's making me crazy. Ask Shannah...

 I love all of the kids. There's a special few that I have really bonded with. So much that when I clock out I stay anyway just to spend time with them.

Working with kids is a possible career choice I think....I don't know what age group, Maybe some kids who don't wet themselves. :)

So, I drove to Milwaukee on Monday. I was totally not planning on it. But there I was on 94 west toward Chicago at 12 in the afternoon.

Let me start at the beginning...Friday I was told I would be getting 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Finally, I would have consistancy...I was excited. Not only for the consistancy but also for the money. Maybe, I thought, just maybe I would finally be able to get out of that house and be on my own in a small studio apartment. I would be able to get the kitten I had I always wanted and name it Kenny. I would be able to not have to deal with my dad's lunatic behavior...In awhile at least.

I was even thinking about quitting at the Imax...but praise God, I didn't!

I go into work on Monday, all chipper and ready to play with the kids and change poopy diapers and then Christy calls me into her office and I'm told that we, again, have like 20 kids and we're over-staffed and they don't need me until 2. Every day. So my hours significantly change from 40 hours to 20. And my salary changes from 320 a week to 160 a week.

Later I decided I wanted to see my grandpa and Christy said I could have the day off to go see him...I went and followed directions from mapquest and somehow ended up in Harvey....(bad neighborhood...) So I gave up, turned around, and drove all the way to Milwaukee.

And what did I get from spontaneous trip to Wisconsin #3?

-A moose pen.

-Another Wisconsin bumper sticker.

-Shampoo.

I think I just needed to get out of town. I needed a break. Even though I love the new job...there are some things I don't love. Like certain people who treat me like I don't have a clue what I'm doing and others who can't get it through their heads that my name is NOELLE and NOT NICOLE! It's fine when you mistake my name once or twice but seriously, FIVE TIMES IN THREE HOURS???? WHAT IS THAT??

And then there's the fact that I'm never knowing where I am going to be.

"Noelle is going to be with the waddlers."

"No, Noelle is going to be with the toddlers..even though half of the toddlers are disobiediant animals and all pretty much hate her."

Let's just use Noelle for the things that we don't want to do. Because she's the new person.

Ok, not everyone I work with act like that...but some do. And ok, I guess it's better than working with some of the people at the IMAX but it's more personal and dramatic there because I've been at that church for sooo flipping long. And it hurts when people you've known for...like 11 years treat you poorly.

So, yeah. I don't know. I just don't know. I still love it there. I love Christy. But some things/people are.....UGH!

Goals

SO I'm going to be working at Sonshine Academy...a.k.a Victory Christian Center's daycare. This makes me very excited. VERY excited. Eight dollars an hour cash. Working with kids....its going to be awesome.

So here is my plan:

1.) Continue working at Imax also. (This will be my spending money for gas and other things)

2.) The money I get from the daycare I will save and build up my savings account.

3.) I will then apply for a credit card and use it wisely so I will have a good credit report and then be able to get an apartment.

4.) Get an apartment.

5.) ?

Short term goals my friend, short term goals....

I hope it all works out..