Life Is Short

Life it too short for grudges.

Life is too short to keep our eyes on anything or anyone but Jesus.

Life is good. Live your life full. Be quick to forgive. Be patient. Be loving.

Even when it's hard.

Even when you were wronged.

Let it go.

Life is too short.

It would be so much easier to quit. 

It would be so much easier to hide and run away from my problems. 

It would be so much easier to be alone. 

I don't trust anyone. 

I don't even trust myself. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. 

It's sad that I was the forgotten one. Now that I think about it, it seems like that's always how it was. I was always the after thought. 

Too quiet and passive to be considered one of the group. Too quiet and passive for them to even know who I am. 

I am crazy and fun and random and spontaneous. 

I am an emotional, sensitive person that takes every careless word to heart and picks each one of them apart, running them over and over in my head until I can't do it anymore. 

I care alot about people. I try to make sure everyone feels loved and included. Even when I don't like someone I try to be kind. Even when people are mean to me and dont like me, I try to be kind. 

I have opinions. I have feelings. Just because I don't always speak my mind, doesn't mean I don't have one. 

I am comfortable with the way I live. Jeans and tshirts. Regular old shoes. I like the occasional necklace or pair of earings or nice shirt or cute shoes...but I'm pretty much a simple girl. I hate materialism...Yet I window shop. I look at all the useless items in useless stores and I get disgusted every time. I don't even know why I go to places like that...it just makes me sick. 

I want to help people. I want to see people. Not just walk down the street and pass them up without a thought. There are so many frowning angry sad lonely people out there and we can help just by making eye contact and smiling. Saying hello, how are you? 

Hearing how their day has been and really listening. 

Sometimes I think I've got it right...and then I see something in my life that I need to fix, that I need to work on. 

That's who I am...I've had a slight identity crisis since last year around this time. The hurt is still there. I'm up an down. I'm angry that I'm forgiving. I'm hurt and then I'm not. I'm inferior then superior. I can't take this anymore....

I hate this. 

Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.

Updates! Updates! Updates!

1.) I got a summer job at Timber-lee Camp in East Troy, Wisconsin. It's been almost a week since I've known and it still feels unreal. I think everyone knows that I've always wanted to somehow move to Wisconsin...and now it's kind of happening. It's so weird. But I'm so grateful that I got the job and the opportunity to serve there and meet new people. 

The whole winter/spring I just had a strange feeling that I wouldn't be here for the summer. I don't know what's going to happen all I know is that I am so excited and so blessed! 

2.) I am returning to Barnes, Wisconisn for four days. Not this weekend, but the next, Marilyn, her aunt (or Mory and Janell) are going to drive up because Marilyn's younger brother Mark is going to be up there to help Chris stain the deck. I can't explain how excited i am for that. It's been over a year since I've been there and it's going to be good to northern Wisconsin without snow on the ground. (Although its pretty with snow too.) I can't wait! I really can't. I love it up there!

3.) I'm finishing classes up this week. I'm very nervous about my term paper in English. I kind of threw it together because I am a world class procrastinator. I would be happy with a C so that I could just get a B in the class. I need to pass that class...It would be ridiculous if I didn't pass it. I worked so darn hard for it. 

4.) I am going to be once again leaving the Imax (obviously). I am not sure if I'm wanting to return in the Fall though. I might have a job watching a newborn baby in October and won't really need to work in September...so I don't know. I kind of don't want to go back.

5.) It's good to re-connect with old friends. :) 

Altogether life is pretty good. I'm excited for what's to come!

P.S. My wisdom tooth is coming in and its killing me.

Updates 3-29-10

1.) It has been 5 months since I have been to Wisconsin....and I am missing it like crazy!!! I just need to get out of town! I had an evil plan to go today but woke up like a half hour ago because I was having dreams about giant dogs and pirates. Not to mention my car would probably die but I DONT CARE! I just want to get out of here. I want to go antique shopping, and go to woodmans, and sit by the lake in Lake Geneva. I need to buy some new shampoo- because I am almost out! 

2.) I have a bunch of stuff to do in my classes this week and haven't even started....sigh. Should be fun. 
3.) Looking back on my old xangas and stuff, I realize how prideful I was. I am just down right ashamed of some things I've written on here, and on other xangas. I am doing a lot of self discovery in these past few months. I am very sorry if I've said thing or done things that were offensive to anyone. 
It's like Matt 7:3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
So again, I am very sorry if I've come off as an elitist, arrogant, or stuck up. It's getting to the point where I can't even read my old stuff anymore. It makes me sick.
4.) I miss babies. =( 

So....life.

Life is interesting. You think you know people, and the you find out you don't know a thing about them.

You think one thing is the right direction for your life, and then you find out it's not.

I never thought I would go to college. I NEVER thought I would be going to college. It was just something that I wasn't interested in. But then I started working at Sonshine and I realized that there's no way I could be there or any other place like that for the rest of my life. I didn't get that great of grades in high school...but I think this will be different. I can just feel it. I'm going to go to the campus to study on days that I'm not working. (That way I don't get distracted.) I can get tutoring if neccasary. They have a free gym at the campus. It is just so weird how everything worked out.

I was in a situation where I felt stuck, I was overworked. I was stressed out ALL the time. There was no way that I could have worked at the daycare and keep up with school. No way. The week before I quit I cried out to God on my break one afternoon. I told Him that I didn't like the way my life was going and etc.. and I just felt like something was coming. And all the steps were so easy... 

So yeah, I am back at the Imax. It is so weird. Nothing has changed much. I still do most of the work. But I like working with some of the people. I have hope for them. I just hope that I can be a light. I don't want my sour expiriences with Christians make me sour. I want to move past all the crap in my past... I am becoming a member of my church on January 13th (my birthday). I have high hopes.

Updates

1.) I moved out of my house and into an apartment (temporarily). I am house sitting until Feburary. I have no idea where I am going to go in February but....well, we'll see. It's all in God's hands. God provided a place to live this time I am positive I will have somewhere to go Feb

2.) Thanksgiving Break was lazy and puky. It was nice (for the most part), but I do miss my kids at the daycare.

3.) I went to Faith Church this morning...and boy, I am SO glad I went. I feel so refreshed and not depressed. I really wish Dyer wasn't so far away.

4.) I may be finally getting a new laptop. After saving for like 6 months.

5.) I went to the Imax Friday and I hate to say it... but...I MISS THAT PLACE! SO MUCH! Some people are forgetting about me though. It's kind of insulting when someone you worked with once a week for six months directs you where theater 12 is. Just saying. I will say there was some pretty bad points about working there but for the most part, I would work there again if I didnt already have a job.

6.) I want to go to Lake Geneva again but I am terrified that my car will break down and I will be stranded in Wisconsin...Gee, that would be so terrible.

Updates and Stuff

went back to work today. it was kind of low in numbers. thank God.

I am sleepy.

I am kind of watching greys anatomy. George is dead. that is sad. I cried. And then I laughed. The funniest scene of Greys anatomy is also the saddest.

I work 7-6 tommorow. Fun. :)

I should really go to bed.

I am going to campus life on monday. bittersweet.

trying not to be really really sad. i dont know what is wrong with me.

I loooooooove 50 degrees so much. I feel ill. I saw people today. Dustin specifically. I havent seen him in so long and that made me smile. I miss last year. I miss Whitney. I miss Lindsay. I miss Jakob. I always thought we'd keep in better touch. But we didnt. And that sucks.

Tomorrow I work 5-1 usher. That is yucky.

Saturday is Marks going away party.

Sunday I am going to church and than going out to lunch with Jenny. That is cool. After that I'm going to work concession. 3-9 which is even more yucky.

Monday is an employee meeting, and that scares the crap out of me because I have no idea whats going on.

Wed. I work 1-6 usher. And that isnt as yucky.

And then I will start it all over again.

I'm listening to Carrie Underwood right now. "I Know You Won't" That song makes me blue.

I really need to clean my car out.

I have to use the potty.

Goodbye.

So I miss xanga. I was reading all my posts from never_let_go33 or whatever the site's name was and I really miss the way I used to blog. I found a poem I wrote about Meat. Those were such good days. I was at VCC. It was sophmore year and nothing was really going wrong in my life.

I feel like I am wandering around aimlessly in circles...alone. And does anyone understands how that makes someone feel? No. So it's harder to relate to friends and people in your life and then you end up saying something or doing something that upsets the person. Well in my case that's what I've done. I feel so incredibly disconnected from the world that was mine only two months ago.  My heart aches for the way it was. And I really don't think I can take it anymore. I need something to change. I'm going to save money so I can eventually move to Wisconsin and just start a new life.

And I normally don't mind being alone. Usually I like it. But that's how I've been lately and to be honest, I'm sick of it. And that's why I am really thinking of buying a kitten next time I have enough money. Dad can just deal with it. He's got his hooker girlfriend to deal with and I don't have anyone.

I have been able to talk to Katie Engel alot though. She's become a good friend. We enjoy ranting on each other. And Emily has been great through all this. =) Adair is there too but she has school and new friends and I understand that she can't always be there to hear my rants...

But yeah, I think I'm ready to go back to VCC. I miss Christy and other people. At Faith I didn't know anyone at all. Except for Marilyn...Oh yeah! Marilyn has been great! We totally relate to each other. Except sometimes she oversteps her boundries as a mother. I have a mother. Her name is Mary Ann and I love her even though she kinda drives me nuts.

Rant over.

So today I:

1.) Got a job. Finally.

2.) Got new gym shoes. Yay.

3.) Got a new movie. Yay.

4.) Hung out with my dad. ( He told me I can come home soon. Praise God. I cannot wait. I suck at living with people.)

5.) Baby-sat for rich kids. That family was full of freaks. They had two kitchens.

It's been a long day.

Questions, Plans, and Junk

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So often we do what WE want in life...or what THE WORLD wants. Why is this? Why do we rely so much on the world's standards? Why aren't our eyes on the bigger picture? HE knows the plans for my life. I can't make it up. Friends and family can't make it up. HE has a plan. Why do we put our trust in psychologists and Dr. Phil and Oprah??? Why do we apply the world's standards to our life? Why are we all obsessed with money and new things. They are meaningless.

I don't know...I just don't understand a lot of people. I don't get the point of a lot of things. I just know that I want to trust God with all of my heart. I want to trust that He has a plan for my life...he has a calling for me...and that someday all of these trials and questions will make sense. Meanwhile I am just trying to live for Him, and get through each day. I do trust Him. I trust that he is going get me through this trauma of all that happened with Honor Academy and stuff...I trust that he is going to get me through all my emotional damage from all that my parents have put me through these past four years. I trust that He knows where he wants me. And the only way I can fail is if I don't let God lead me...and if I don't put my life and my decisions in His hands.

I believe that he has a plan for my life. I don't know exactly what it is yet...but I know he knows what he's doing. And he's working with me each day. He is my counseler...He is my father. He is my light and my path. I am so sick of reliance on humans...and human explanations for why we are the way we are...And I'm sick of gossip...and judgement...and everything. I feel so different than everyone. Like I see something that nobody else sees. I have my weird side, sure. But I feel like I see things so differently than people in my life.

Geez, I've gone off on a rant...It's totally disorganized but oh well.

Anyway, do you get what I'm saying? I hope you do...because those were some scattered thoughts.

Glory

One day eyes that are blind will see you clearly  And one day all who deny will finally believe  One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces  And one day chains once unbroken will fall down at your feet  So we wait for that one day come quickly  Chorus  We want to see your Glory  Every knee falls down before thee  Every tongue offers you praise  With every hand raised  Singing Glory  To you and unto you only  We'll sing Glory to Your name  One day voices that lie will all be silent  One day all that's divided will be whole again  One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag  One day love will defeat the strongest enemy  So we wait for that one day come quickly  Chorus  We know not the day or the hour  Or the moments in between  But we know the end of the story  When we'll see  Chorus That's a powerful song! I am very bored right now. I have been for three days. I figured out that going to the mall and taking yourself out to dinner is good in theory but overall, lonesome & depressing. I tried on Prom dresses. I think I may have changed my mind about going. I want to go now, kinda. We'll see. I'm going to be bored this Spring Break. It's the first time in four years I havent gone anywhere...whoa, I almost forgot to spell anywhere. I think I would like to go to Florida this year. That stinks. But I'll see Mom and Viv in June. It flies by. Senior year is flying by. It's scary. Parts of me wants to grow up and move on but another part of me wants to remain a child forever. I'm hoping I get into Mission Year. I really like what they stand for, and the things I'll be doing there. But if that's not God's will for my life, that's ok.

I was on my way to the choir concert listening to Avalon- (they are awesome). During a song called Adonai I asked God for what seems like the billioneth time why certain things don't go they way I had hoped and finally, I have had a catharsis: Sometimes we don't get the things that we want because it will stand in the way between our relationship with God. I am happy that some things haven't worked out for me that used to sound appealing. There is NO way I would be this passionate about God if it had worked out.

That is all.

Song of the day: Can't Live A Day by Avalon

I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on, but...

CHORUS
I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren't in it all...

CHORUS

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, I have because You give
You're everything to me

This is definatly the song of my heart right now.

P.S. I want to go to the Honor Academy more than ever right now. But if I don't get accepted or it doesn't work out, I'll take it that it's not God's will for me.

EDIT: EW! HONOR ACADEMY!

Tommorow's my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. Hehehe. Should be fun. My whole entire family will be there. Even cousins I haven't seen in years. Interesting. I am sure I'll have pictures for you all by Sunday.

Christy called me today and that made me happy. Haha. Last week I left a phychotic message on her answering machine. Good times.

Ohhhhh there's a radish.

Aaaaah!

I have had a GREAT day today. I don't know why but I am in the most incredible mood. I'm being optimistic for once. I feel like I've been in a deep hole of... I don't even know. I was just having an incredibly long pity party. It was not a fun party.

But God loves me, and I know all you love me, and there is a reason for me to get up in the morning. To live my life, to befriend the lost, to make my God proud. That's my goal. I want to please God. I want to glorify his name. I want to help people who don't know him. I want to give what I don't need. AHH  I am just feeling awesome.

Edit: Oh, and I am SO ready for Fall. I love Fall. & I love Christmas. It's just great. I can't wait. 19 days until Wisconsin Dells! 24 days until Turkey Run! (I think) I feel FREE! Like I did in Fall of 2005.

Edit #2: I loved Fall of 2005. That was a good season.

I hate being scared.

and being in the center of attention

and the phrase "ignorance is bliss."

Edit: But if you think about it, ignorance is bliss. I think I would have much rather enjoyed walking around all normal thinking nothing was wrong with me than be worrying if another ciezure or fainting was going to occur. My dentist and friend, Dr. Garza said that when something is wrong she wants to know right away and she wants people to tell her everything. I don't know if I can agree with her anymore. I hate worrying about me 24/7 which is what I'm doing know. I had bad dreams all night and woke up at 4 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. It's now 5:19 a.m. and I'm already halfway done getting ready for school.

I don't understand this, God!

So Close

So close, I believe

You’re holding me now

In Your hands I belong

You’ll never let me go

I’m so secure

You’re here with me

You stay the same

Your love remains here in my heart

You gave Your life

And Your endless love

You set me free

And showed the way

And now I am found

All along you were beside me

Even when I couldn’t tell

Through the years

You showed me more of You

More of You

Today I fainted. No joke. I went to the hospital here in Wisconsin. More details later for those of you who don't know (everyone but mom.) But I'm okay so don't worry. Edit: Oh yeah, when student leadership meets on Thursday, could someone pray for me? Thanks, people.