Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.