Lay It Down

These are the lyrics of Jaci Velasquez's newer songs "Lay It Down". For awhile I didn't listen to Jaci because of a concert I saw her (she was being somewhat worldly. I wont explain) and the fact that she got married and like two years later she was divorced. I realize now I was wrong for looking down on her for that. Sure the Bible says divorce is wrong but I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't be looking down at her. He would recognize that she knew she was feeling awful for her decisions and he would love her regardless of whatever she has done. Even if she didn't want to repent he would love her. Unconditional love. 

I think thats the problem with Christians and denominations today. 1.) We're too interested in gossip and who did what with who. And who didn't get invited where. And yada yada yada. 2.) We're too busy arguing over doctrine and denominations and if prophetic dreams are for now or speaking in tongues so on and so forth. 

And you know what? Last night I watched "Four Christmases". There was a scene where the family went to church. The minister came out and the crowd went wild (I totally had Honor Academy flashbacks) but yeah in that scene I saw what the world thinks of Christians. They made them look flaky, and like obsessed with the leader guy more than God, and purely ridiculous. But is that our fault? Is it because so many of us are too much like the world Monday through Saturday and then on Sunday acting like super religious. 

I'm guilty of it too. To some degree. But no more. How can we change the world and witness to such a hopeless world when we are so much like them? 

The last thing I want to do is blend in with this world. 


Verse:
I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Chorus:
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
Oh what more can I do,
Cause everthing I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down.

Holiday Memories

Wed. Before Thanksgiving

1.) (Before 2004) We would go to church. Sometimes in the youth group days we would deliver baskets for families in need. Actually I think this happened after 2004 too. But yeah, after church I would stay up super late and listen to the fish, playing Barbies or just hanging out in my old room. I kind of miss my old room even though my new one is bigger.

2.) 2006- The year of all years. My dad and I wanted to go to the movies. He made me go see Deja Vu and I really didn't want to see it because, it just wasn't my kind of movie...action. blah. But I LOVED it. After I saw it I went to Tae's house for bible study. I was the first one there. I walked in, didn't even say h to Cor just dropped my coat and said in a far off voice, "Good movie" haha. Good times. I saw it 6 times after that.

3.) 2007- Dad and I went to Costco. We ate at Zel's and it snowed for the first time. It was just a good night. It felt special and fun. It was also my year Deja Vu anniversary and I tried to watch it again but at the point I was somewhat sick of it and it's just not the same on a smaller Toshiba tv when you've seen it 6 times in theaters.

Thanksgiving

1.) A typical Thanksgiving (before 2004) would be like this: I would wake up at like 8, all excited to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. I would watch it on and off. I would do cartwheels, play house, and help my mom with random things in the kitchen. After the parade we'd watch some sort of Holiday special or something like that. Around 3 we would eat dinner and right after that I would do the dishes. Then we'd all gather in the living room and sleep or watch movies.

2.) (After 2004) We would go to Aunt Sue's house or our cousin Amy's and Grandma would always be sitting in the chair at the kitchen table by the water bottle thing. Uncle Rick, Jake, and whatever guys that were there would be in the living room watching football or whatever. I usually hung out with Bianca, my 2nd cousin and whatever other kids were there because no one in my family is really in my age group. We ate buffet style. No cheesy "give thanks" speeches or anything like that. After that we'd stay for few more hours and then we'd get going.

3.) 2007- One of my favorite years ever. Shannah and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Haha. Everythings more fun with Shannah. =) Well, sometimes. She made the turkey and we called my mom ALOT, with questions. It was great. My dad just hung out in the living room while we cooked and stuff. I think I just made the green bean casserole and the sweet potato casserole. Shannah did everything else and it was SO good. It was my favorite Thanksgiving in a long time because it was more familyish. After dinner we all collapsed in the living room and rested.

Christmas

1.) The year I got underwear when I was 5! I was ecstatic. Seriously. I was weird kid.

2.) One time when we went to Aunt Sue's for Christmas and my cousin Carrie said she would keep my presents if I opened them early. I was really freaked out about that because I knew I was going to get the newest Barbie that I wanted. haha. I totally thought she was serious.

3.) The time we went to Aunt Julies and I got Aladdin pajamas. I don't remember exactly why but that was just a very memorable Christmas.

4.) When I figured out where my Dad hid the presents- in the crawlspace in the garage. I think I was like 10 then. I got a ladder and climbed up there. I needed to see. Bahaha. I was so mischeavious.

5.) Going to Christmas Light festivals in Michigan city.

6.) The first Christmas Eve service at VCC in 1998. It was very special. It was in the old church building. It was all candle lit and pretty.

7.) My mom's jam cookies.

8.) One word- STOLLEN! (I don't know if I spelled that right.)

9.) All the special Christmas ornaments. Unwrapping them from the newspaper every year was like unwrapping presents. Every ornament was special and beautiful and memorable. The apple disco ball, the snowman that played a song, the apples (haha I totally ate one when I was two), and my first Christmas ornament. My stocking. I miss my stocking. It was my favorite because it wasn't like a normal stocking. I'm pretty sure it had ducks on it. I can hardly remember because I havent seen it awhile.

10.) Watching Three Days with mom for the first time on ABC family. I still have the recording of it from the very first night we saw it. I love that movie.

11.) Watching the Santa Claus. That was my favorite movie. Always. (and forever. haha. I love having inside jokes with myself. I'm not normal. haha.)

12.) The year of the karaoke machine. Haha. Those were good times. Word up!

More Recently

13.) 2005- I listened to WLIT ALL THE TIME! And I flipped out everytime "All I Want For Christmas Is You" came on. No matter what I was doing I would dance around my house like a mad woman and sing on top of my lungs. That year I was in Florida and it came on. Mom and Jeff were sleeping on the couch and I was dancing in the living room when I saw Jeff wake up...haha.

2005 was also the year that Vivvian and I listened to the feed the world song. We would flip out on the bridge together.

14.) 2006- wasn't as fun as 2005 but I made the most out of it. Christmas Eve of that year was the most awkward and fun Christmas Eve. I decided to randomly retile the upstairs bathroom. Shannah was going crazy because she didn't know what I was doing. I was just going at it until like 6 in the morning. I listened to Delta Goodrem alot. "All Out of Love" was my favorite. I would always make fun of the guy who sang all constipated sounding "What are you thinking offffffff????" haha It cracked me up. After I was done I collapsed in my bed watching "A Christmas Story" and woke up around noon the next day.

15.) 2007- Christmas Cookies w/ the Engels, Movies, Vivvian. It wasn't my favorite Christmas but it wasn't the worst either.

I'm looking forward to making new holiday memories. I'm going to think positively and try to remember the real reason for the season- JESUS. Because without him, none of what I just wrote matters.

I'm going to Wisconsin some time this week to get a Christmas tree! YAY! I think we might be spending the night too! So I won't have...."One Night Only"! Yay yay yay!  I looked up a bunch of fun things to do in Milwaukee like Christmas lighting ceremonies and such. And while I'm at it I can find out where my cousin Jacob lives, break into his apartment, and move into his living room! YES! We're eating Thanksgiving at a restaurant this year...weird. I really want to see Four Christmases. It looks amusing. And it has Reese Witherspoon in it. She's one of my fav. actresses. =) 

It's so weird thinking that I will be in Florida this time in a month. Thankfully I'll be able to have my car so I can drive back up whenever I want to. (Mom is already trying to talk me into going for a whole year. And I think she should just be happy that I'm committing to a few months. It's like when you have 5 cookies and you eat one, and your like "Man, I really want some more cookies. No fair.") 

My Dad was happy last night. We'll see how long that lasts. He went to church yesterday! And oddly enough...I didn't. But I'm so glad he did. I hope he keeps it up! Especially when I'm not here. 

I've decided to move to Florida in December...looks like everyone's getting what they want.

So I miss school. Rhonda talked me into taking a class or two next semester. I think I'm going to do it...even if it's online. I love Rhonda. She's my favorite. Scrapbooking was fun...even though I definatly didnt scrapbook anything. haha. I just made food, helped with random things, and talking to Katie online about Thanksgiving, Wisconsin, and Mr. Kretz. Good times. I have so many story ideas in my head. I found free creative writing courses online- there's no college credit or anything but it should be cool. I'm gonna do it right now. I think I'm gonna pull an all-nighter tonight and go to church tommorow. That seems like the only way to fix my bad sleeping pattern I've become accustomed to.

Get Out Of This Town

My dad and I agreed on one thing. We're both miserable. And I hate feeling this way. Something has to change. Maybe it's Florida. Hopefully I'll get a job in Wisconsin. Today he read my thoughts exactly. He said, "Sometimes I just want to throw my clothes in the car and drive away." I think I'm going to do it. Not for a long period of time...of course. Just for tonight. 

yrics:
Got it all figured out inside of my head
There's a bag packed up at the foot of my bed
You say the word, baby I'm all set
We'll cover our tracks, tell a couple white lies
Make sure we got a good alibi
And by the time they catch on, we'll be outta their sight
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Don't need directions, don't need a map
If we get lost I'll be good with that
Yeah we'll find a way to make the time pass
Window rolled down with the heat on high
Stars all aligned in a runaway sky
Holding my hand as the miles roll by
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

If we leave tonight and drive fast enough
All of our troubles will be just like us
Long gone, baby

Let's get out of this town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Yeah, let's just get out of this town
Let's get out of this town tonight
Yeah, we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just get out of this town

Thoughts 11-15-08

This has been the worst week. I'm not going to explain everything because I don't want to but I have just been so down because:

1.) That dumb lady from New York who said

a.) that I am not a go-getter

b.) I'm not a hardworker

c.) no wonder I haven't found a job yet.

d.) she can see me working at mcdonalds and can I please supersize her fries for her?

And you know what? I know her words mean nothing seeing as she does not know me but they did hurt. It was like Satan himself was writing to me because I know none of that is true and Satan has been feeding me the same lies to me for a long time now.I keep trying to think of who God says I am and I keep trying to think of the future and the amazing purpose he has in store for me. It's like I'm having an inward tug of war. Some days I feel like nothing. I feel like I am running around in aimless directions while everyone else has some kind of ambition. And then other days, I'm inspired because I know God has something great for me. It's just really hard.

2.) Honor Academy- I am still having bad dreams about that place. I just had one last night. I went back to visit or something (I have no idea why I would do that) and then I ended up being forced to stay there. I wish I could have peace about all that. It's become such a big part of my life. I KNOW I wasn't supposed to be there. I just know it. I wish my freaking subconcious would leave me alone.

3.) Lonliness sucks. But Shannah has been so great to me this week. I've seen her more this week than in a long time. Tuesday, Wed, and Yesterday. I was really upset about something yesterday...I'm thinking I was just way overemotional yesterday because I cried over the "Christmas Shoes" song and I've heard that song about a million times. We got chinese food and she let me tell her all my problems...even though she's heard them all before. I love her so much. I don't know what I would do without my sister.

4.) I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all. Rant over.

I was thinking about what makes me who I am. Everything that's happened to me in my life has made me what I am today. From my earliest memory to yesterday. It is all what makes me who I am.

It starts as early as my childhood.

-1995 when I first asked Jesus into my heart.

-1998 when my Dad moved out.

-2000 when the divorce was official.

-2004 when mom got married & moved to Florida.

-2008 Graduation/Honor Academy

& all the little details in between. Friends. Different churches. Family issues. It all shaped me.

It is November 1st. I love November. But not as much as I love October. Fall is going to be over soon...and Christmas time will be coming. WLIT isn't playing Christmas music for another two and a half weeks and to be honest, I'm not really all that sad about it. I'm just not in Christmas mode yet. I will be by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.

Tomorrow I am going to the cat society. =)