Updates 3-29-10

1.) It has been 5 months since I have been to Wisconsin....and I am missing it like crazy!!! I just need to get out of town! I had an evil plan to go today but woke up like a half hour ago because I was having dreams about giant dogs and pirates. Not to mention my car would probably die but I DONT CARE! I just want to get out of here. I want to go antique shopping, and go to woodmans, and sit by the lake in Lake Geneva. I need to buy some new shampoo- because I am almost out! 

2.) I have a bunch of stuff to do in my classes this week and haven't even started....sigh. Should be fun. 
3.) Looking back on my old xangas and stuff, I realize how prideful I was. I am just down right ashamed of some things I've written on here, and on other xangas. I am doing a lot of self discovery in these past few months. I am very sorry if I've said thing or done things that were offensive to anyone. 
It's like Matt 7:3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
So again, I am very sorry if I've come off as an elitist, arrogant, or stuck up. It's getting to the point where I can't even read my old stuff anymore. It makes me sick.
4.) I miss babies. =( 

Writing Stories With Brit and Em

Tyler Lentil is a lonely depressed college kid who lives with his mom and her pet goose, Marvin the twelfth. There is much tension in the apartment. Ever since Tyler's father, Willy was admitted into the mental institution for publicly eating a robin illegally Marvin started biting Tyler's fingers and toes angrily in the night. Tyler became forced to wear baseball mits on his hands and oven mits on his feet. Marvin only showed aggression toward Tyler but remained affectionate toward his mother, Johannah.

Tyler had never traveled out of Florida until a great catastrophe came upon his Grandparents in Mostacholigrain, Wisconsin. Their beloved bilingual dog, Charlie was accidentally murdered by Mayor Tiki Sinclair, who was so overecome with grief that he jumped off a building.. (A/N: Yes, I know, intense)

So Tyler went to the french speaking dog's funeral and despite the somber event, he fell in love Mostacholigrain, Wisconsin.

One day, in Winn-Dixie. Noelle as singing about mayonnaise while juggling oranges. She tripped on a pineapple and the oranges flew recklessly into the air onto an unexpecting Tyler, who is stroking a baby llama, who thinks Tyler is his grandmother.

Noelle passes out. When she wakes up there is a can of frozen broccoli that Tyler retrieved from the bathroom freezer on her head. The llama is staring at her while Tyler vigourously fans her with a pineapple.

"I hattte Texas!" Noelle moans.

"I hate Texas too," Tyler agrees. "BUT, I LOOOVE Wisconsin."

"I LOVE WISCONSIN TOO!"

Two years later.....

((TO BE CONTINUED!))

Funk

I'm feeling a little bit like a fraud. I don't know whats wrong with me these past few days. It's like the fact that I only have a couple of close friends left is hitting me. I miss the old days. I miss feeling like a part of something. My mini church is great but I realized...I'm sharing my private thoughts with people who don't even know me and most likely will not know me because the mini church is temporary. I feel like when I talk they don't get it. I just miss the old days.

Everything's changed. I am not questioning whether Gods real or not because I know He is....I just feel something very weird with Him. I can't explain it. Like I pray and read the bible but I can't feel Him. I can't hear Him. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm not good enough. Which I know is ridiculous because I know that theres nothing I can do to make him love me more.

I just don't know whats wrong with me....

Letting Go

 Letting go-Its easier said than done. It's a process. Suppressed memories come back and then come new perspectives. 

It's hard to truly let something go when you let it be your first priority. 

It's like, we call on anything BUT God for help when we are hurting. We go to music, alcohol, sleeping pills, and people. 

When in the background God is gently saying, "Call on me!" 

I've changed my priorities and the Lord will continue help me to process and let things go that I never even knew I held on to.  

so I woke up this morning, and I realized something.  I am happy. I am over it. Well, as over it as I can be. I think it was babysitting for Kam, CJ, and Kiana. And the fact that I'm reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love.  And my new mini-church.  No matter how I replay the things that happened in my head, the ending will remain the same.  No matter who was right and who was wrong God loves me and knows my intentions there. I've recognized the problems I did have with my bitterness there, and I've let them go.  God loves me.  I love my new friends/prayer partners in the mini church. I forgot what it was like, to be able to be held accountable with people.  I am happy And I am looking forward to whatever God has in store for me.  =)

I havent been doing much lately. Going to school, babysitting, and working. But there's periods where I dont do anything for days. And I love it. I think its to make up for my lack of rest for nine months. I am still dealing with replaying things that happened in my head over and over again. It hurts either way I look at it. And then there's times that I wonder if I was the problem. Self-doubt. But no, I know that I did my best there and I've tried to talk with the people that have hurt me and it didnt work. I've done all that I can do. I just want to be over it. I want to fast forward to a time in the future that I don't care anymore. 

I know thins is going to be harder than most of the things I've dealt with. This is up there with my mom leaving and my dad's hooker situation. I was hurt by people that I trusted and grew up with. It's going to take some time. 

I am the type of person that invests herself in things so much that when something happens it hurts me deeply. 

I dont know what I did wrong. I dont know why they thought it was ok to treat my friend the way they did and then expect me to take their side. I dont know why they think it's ok to treat people like they do because they're in leadership at the church.

They were such a big part of my life and to be ignored and blindsided just ruins every great memory I had with them. 

I need to forgive. I need to heal. I need some prayer. Please. Whoever reads this.