Thoughts From A Long Day

I just worked thirteen hours at Timber-lee, most of it by myself.

This is good. Because I need money. But it is also bad, because while working by myself and doing tasks that don't require much thought, is dangerous.

I've been thinking a lot about last year. And all that I have lost. I quit my job and left my church... and lost a lot of friends. I was betrayed. I was blind sided and I was hurt. I lost trust in a lot of people. Sadly, my trust for Christians and Churches in general has dwindled. Between the way I was treated by the people that I basically grew up with and Honor Academy...I just have the hardest time trusting people. Even my closest friends. I am really weird about the churches I go to. I need to feel right when I'm there.

I've been thinking a lot about trust. I don't think I really truly trust anyone here on this earth. I tell people stuff....but I never tell them everything.... I can't. I've done that. And I was hurt.

Sometimes I really feel like I can't trust God. I want to. But really, this whole year....I've just been confused. I'm finding my way back to Him. I am. I'm learning who He really is...and who He is not.

I remember in March of last year...I read the book Crazy Love for my mini church at Faith Church. I only got up to about the third chapter...and it just made me re-examine everything that I was taught...everything I thought I believed...everything I thought about God. It was weird...and painful...but necassary. In a way I think I'm still going through that.... but I'm reading the book again. And I'm not reading it in the same way that I did last time....

I feel so different. I'm seeing new things...I'm trying to forget the old...

I have so much to do in this life.

And it doesnt matter where I live, what I do, how much money I make... all that matters is that I live out 100 percent for God. I want to start doing things that stretch me. I want to help people, & help them know Jesus.

If my life is this hard while I know Jesus, I cannot imagine what life is like for people that don't have a relationship with God....

I need to surrender everything to Him.

I need to trust in Him with EVERYTHING!

I need to let go, so I can move on, and be all that I can be for Him.

I need to stop being so selfish.

..........

That is all. I need sleep.

Oh Deer!

Letter to the Kids

I still think about you. I still wonder how you are doing. It has been 10 months but I still miss you and still think about you.

I didn’t always show it. But I loved you so much. I would do things differently if it meant I could spend more time with you. I would have waited to say goodbye. And explain that I love you but would no longer be with you every day. I wasn’t always the best caregiver. I was tired. I was over-emotional. I was drained. And sometimes I wrongfully took my frustrations out on you.

I learned a lot about myself through you. I learned what kind of mother that I will be one day. I learned that I need to set boundaries when I have kids of my own. I can’t always give in to what you want. I can’t spoil you. But I know I will love. Because if I loved you as much as I did, I cannot imagine what it will be like to have kids of my own.

I wish I could have always protected you from the people who did not feel the same way that I did about you, the people that saw you as walking money bags. I knew you all so well. I knew how to get you asleep. I knew what your favorite colors were. I knew which toys were your favorites and I knew when you needed an extra hug because you missed your mom.

But after awhile I became so drained, and so tired, of the things about you that wore me out, that I lost touch with what it was all about. It was all about loving you and showing you Jesus through me. It was all about loving you when you didn’t get that love at home. It was all about love. Forgetting the things that frustrated me with co-workers and unfair bosses and knowing that I would be able to love you and be a good teacher regardless.

 I never meant for my emotions and actions to hurt you. I miss so many things about you. You were all so unique and special in your own ways. I can imagine the people that you will turn out to be. I miss the hugs and the silliness and the games we played.

I never really got to say good-bye. Not really. I had to give you my last hugs and end nine month relationships so abruptly. I think that’s why I haven’t gotten over it. Why I still miss you.

Overall, leaving was the best decision for me. I hope that I planted some sort of seed in your life. That you will look back one day and remember Miss Noelle, and what she taught you. How she loved you and took care of you.I pray that your lives are filled with love and happiness. That you learn about all the great things about life and find your place in this world. Above all,  I pray that you come to have a relationship with Jesus and learn to follow after Him. Because that is what is really important in life. 

Thoughts 9-26-10

So I've been living in Wisconsin for nearly four months now. I can no longer sing the "I'm living in Wisconsin...but only in my mind." song. It's so weird. I love it....it's just weird not having a place to go to get away from it all...I guess that that is home now. Weird.

Overall, I'm happy that I've moved.

Life is good here. I live two miles away from Timber-lee with a family that decided they trusted me enough to reside in their basement. I work four days a week and have the weekends off. I found a church that I really like. (Lake Land Community Church)  I have friends that are not too far from me.

It was a really hard transition at first. I don't know. I think it might help that I'm going home next weekend until Monday. I miss Dad, Shannah, J, and Adair sooo much but there's just nothing in that town for me except the job at the movie theater (bleh), a bunch of painful memories, and the horrifying chance that I will run into people that I am not prepared to see. (And that alwaysssss happens...because it's Portage and the only things to do are go to the movies, and walk around wal-mart...)

These last couple of months have taught me a lot about God and about life and friends...and relationships.

-God is so amazing. I feel like I'm learning more about Him every day. I can't really explain more than that.

-Life is funny...it's good...but it's hard. And the only time that it's gonna stop being hard is when I'm in Heaven. I've realized here, that there is nothing that can satisfy me. I always thought (or hoped) that once I moved to Wisconsin things would be sooo much better. And they are but life is still hard. My problems are still my problems there's just a change of scenery and I'm further away from my family. Nothing will satisfy..all my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life here...they don't mean a thing. I don't know what career I might choose. And I don't think it really matters...as long as I serve the Lord with my whole heart and live for Him...and be a witness to people. I could die tomorrow, without filling my dreams of getting married and having kids, and I would be fine with that.

-So after I graduated high school and all my friends left for college I don't think I've ever felt so lonely. And soon that loneliness became a normal thing. And I got used to it. I didn't need people. But it was cool when I did see them. Well, I went into Camp Timber-lee not really knowing what was going to happen but just happy that I would be getting out of my town for the summer and in Wisconsin for three months. I realized how much I missed having people around me. For the past two years I've always thought of myself as such an independent. Like...I could live by myself forever and it would matter to me...But I don't feel that way anymore. I realized how much I need people to be there for me, to hold, to love, the laugh with, and to build me up when I'm down. And I'm so blessed that God brought these people into my life. I can't imagine life without them now.

-Relationships. So this summer I almost got into something with a guy and I am so glad I didn't.  I realized what I want in a relationship and what I do not want. I'm not going to date just to date. When I decide to date someone it's going to be because I KNOW that he is someone that I can spend the rest of my life with forever. ( I've probably said this before...but it's different when you actually have the option of being with someone that you like too...) But yeah... I'm just waiting until God brings the right guy into my life...And when he does...I'll know. I think. Until then I'm content.

But yeah...thats my thoughts on this Sunday morning. God is good. Life is good. And now I really need to go and get ready for church. haha.

Untitled by Noelle & Adair

there's a storm in minnesota

there's a storm in kansas city

there's a storm in Atlanta...and a cake up in the pine tree!

there's a lamp on the counter

there's a monkey on my lawn

i just bought a brand new salsa dress

& I'm gonna have it pawned!

there's a dog in the cellar

something's growing on my toe!

a hobo's munching on potato chips

because his blood sugars getting low

there's an ambulance at applebee's

Thoughts 5-22-10

I miss babies. They're so innocent and love you despite your flaws.

10 days and I will be in East Troy, WI working at Timber-lee.

When I come home in August/September many things will change. :/

I miss Hayward.

I want a basset hound.

I am going to miss my cat so much while I'm gone.

I was a bad girl today and had two glasses of coca cola. Big glasses.

I know this is weird, but I still miss the hospital.

Lost is ending tommorow. That makes me kinda sad.

I hate Facebook so much.

The hurt I am feeling is rightful and I know the only way I am going to get through it is with the Lord's help.

Worship music is relaxing.

My cat stinks.

I cant do it without God. It would be impossible.

That is all.

Updates! Updates! Updates!

1.) I got a summer job at Timber-lee Camp in East Troy, Wisconsin. It's been almost a week since I've known and it still feels unreal. I think everyone knows that I've always wanted to somehow move to Wisconsin...and now it's kind of happening. It's so weird. But I'm so grateful that I got the job and the opportunity to serve there and meet new people. 

The whole winter/spring I just had a strange feeling that I wouldn't be here for the summer. I don't know what's going to happen all I know is that I am so excited and so blessed! 

2.) I am returning to Barnes, Wisconisn for four days. Not this weekend, but the next, Marilyn, her aunt (or Mory and Janell) are going to drive up because Marilyn's younger brother Mark is going to be up there to help Chris stain the deck. I can't explain how excited i am for that. It's been over a year since I've been there and it's going to be good to northern Wisconsin without snow on the ground. (Although its pretty with snow too.) I can't wait! I really can't. I love it up there!

3.) I'm finishing classes up this week. I'm very nervous about my term paper in English. I kind of threw it together because I am a world class procrastinator. I would be happy with a C so that I could just get a B in the class. I need to pass that class...It would be ridiculous if I didn't pass it. I worked so darn hard for it. 

4.) I am going to be once again leaving the Imax (obviously). I am not sure if I'm wanting to return in the Fall though. I might have a job watching a newborn baby in October and won't really need to work in September...so I don't know. I kind of don't want to go back.

5.) It's good to re-connect with old friends. :) 

Altogether life is pretty good. I'm excited for what's to come!

P.S. My wisdom tooth is coming in and its killing me.