Thoughts 1-12-11

by Noelle Joi Curran on Wednesday, 12 January 2011 at 06:46

These past four days have been very interesting. I feel different than I did last Saturday, about many things. A hunger has developed in me. I want God. I want to learn and grow and be the best person I can be.

I just finished the book "Rachel's Tears" for the 3rd time. It tells the story of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine school shooting in 1999. I read the book first when I was in eighth grade. It was given to me by my old youth pastors. Rachel had such a passion for God and such an intimate relationship with him that was evident to everyone around her and especially evident through her journals.

I devoured the book for the third time got things out of it that I didn't the first time. After a visit to a homeless shelter, a meeting with a pastor, reading "Rachel's Tears", and spending longer than fifteen minutes in my quiet time with the Lord I am full of thoughts. Here are some of them:

●     Life is short. Whether we live long lives or for only a brief time, like Rachel Scott did, life is short. It is just a blink in time. My life could end in an instant. Your life could end in an instant. I want every day to matter. I don't want to let a moment pass by wasted. I don't want to just go through the motions of a typical Christian lifestyle. I want to be completely 100% sold out to God. I want to walk with him with every thing I do, everywhere I go, and every word that I speak. I want to shine for Him and more than anything, when people look at me, I want them to see Jesus.

●     I'm done with this pity party. For 7 years now I've let myself be sad about things. My parents' divorce. Half my family being in FL, and the other half in IN. Being hurt by friends. Being hurt by the church. I'm letting go. I'm done with being sad. I'm all cried out. I'm giving it to God. Every day, giving it to God, and moving on with my life, determined to not be the cause for someone else's sadness one day.

●     Forgiveness is important. I need to continue to forgive those that hurt me. I want to be able to be light hearted, letting hurts go as soon as they come. I cannot control my fellow man's actions. We all have free will. So God cannot prevent people from hurting me. Just as he cannot prevent me from hurting people. It is so easy to become bitter. And I don't want to leave this earth with bitterness in my heart.

●      Since August 2008 I have been confused about two things, the gifts of prophecy and the gift of tongues. The church I used to belong to and the church I belong to now have different views on the topic. And I'm still confused. However, I love the verse 1 Corinthians 13: 1-2 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Love is the greatest. It covers a multitude of sins. God is love. What does all this matter without love? I've come to my own conclusions about these topics based on what the bible says and I am also keeping in mind, 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Do not stifle the holy spirit." I don't want to put God in a box. His thoughts aren't my thoughts. I don't know anything. I just know what His word tells me and will save the questions for the day that I meet Him.

●     God has a plan. He has a plan to prosper me, not to hurt me. I'm going to start living every day as it was my last. Because it could be. Tomorrow isn't a promise. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that he is taking care of me. He always has. So I don't need to worry. I don't need to question my decisions when I make them with him. Cause I know that he is with me wherever I go.

Finally I would like to say, if I've hurt anyone and caused them to be bitter or hurt, please tell me. Let's talk it out. I don't want to be the reason why someone is angry or hurt. I want to work things out. This isn't directed at anyone in particular. I just know how easy it is to let little hurts grow into big hurts from one foolish conversation.  I want peace. I want harmony. :) That is all.

To God be the glory.

-Noelle.

The Happy Hot Dog

Saddona, Sadstate was a sad, sad town. The town folk spent their days scrubbing toilets and picking up endless piles of dog poop from the groups of wild and unfriendly beagles that came through town multiple times a day. They ate nothing but Broccoli and spinach sandwiches. The never hugged their family members and they didn’t have any loveable furry pets. They all wore black trench coats and black socks with poorly crocheted black hats. The grass stayed an unhealthy brown and the trees were bare. It rained all the time and stayed a frigid temperature of 33.5 degrees.

But one magical day, an egg fell from the sky and into a soft bush full of barbeque sauce. The egg was small and a light shade of violet. It was bumpy to touch and smelled like cotton candy. The citizens all had an equal amount of hatred for barbeque sauce, so they never  noticed the unusual mystery egg.

The egg grew a little each day in length and finally, on the fourteenth day the precious egg cracked, and a hot dog was born. The hot dog was long and beautiful, he had smooth red skin and was wrapped in a fluffy tan and white bun. Immediately, upon opening his eyes, the rain stopped raining in Saddona, for the first time in forever.

Citizens working outdoors with the poo, stopped for a moment and took a long puzzling look at the sky. They didn’t understand. The gray clouds were rolling and a large yellow orb was revealed. They were shocked. They knew of the sun, but they had never seen it so bright and beautiful. They never saw the sky such a beautiful blue.

The grinning hot dog lifted himself up and peered at the inside of the pale purple shell. He was about 13 inches tall and had bony stick-like limbs. He walked the dreary sidewalks and instantly the grass changed from an ugly stale yellowish color and turned lush, soft, and green.

“MY NAME IS WINSTON, AND I LOVE LIFE!” the hot dog cried. He began to run all around Saddona and after an hour of running, the whole town was warmer, up to an unusual sixty four degrees. The town folk both picking up poop and scrubbing toilets were all outside, pondering the new climate for a moment. Even the beagles stopped running and pooping and looked up at the sky and at the beautiful grass. Flowers started popping up, Daffodils, tiger lilies, roses, and violets; Tulips, daises, Peonies and every other possible flower that anyone could ever imagine filled the town, making it look lovely and colorful.

Sadman Saddington, the town mayor, was puzzled and decided to call a meeting. All townsmen and the beagles came and sat in the town hall and waited for the mayor’s explanation. The mayor stood at the podium for a moment, still puzzled and trying to think of what he could say, when all of a sudden, Winston knocked on the town hall door.

An old man, named Don opened the wooden door and Winston burst in the room and skipped jovially to the podium. He hopped on top of it and screamed  at the people.

“I love life!”

Instantly, the beautiful joyfull hot dog brought smiles to the peoples’ faces. They looked at one another and grinned.

For the first time in their entire lives they felt overwhelming urges to hug their families. Even the beagles smiled, wagged their tails, and each of them found a family to be a part of. Children were laughing, women were giggling, and men were chuckling. They all high fived and started smacking each other joyfully with fish.

Winston laughed along with them and gave Sadman Saddington a fist pump. Winston then broke out in an upbeat peppy tune, and the whole town began to square dance. They danced until the wee hours of the night until they could dance no more. Instead of going back to their homes, they had a sleep over and slept comfortably on the town hall floor, talking about life until they fell asleep.

Things finally began to change in Saddona. No longer did the people have to pick up endless piles of poop. They decided that the toilets were clean enough and got real jobs. They followed their dreams and reached their potential. Families laughed and hugged each other often, they played games like twister every night instead of sitting alone in their rooms and reading the dictionary before bed time.

Meanwhile Winston the joyful hot dog continued to spread joy around the town. He laughed constantly and when he wasn’t proclaiming his love for life, he was writing songs about it and singing them to everyone he met.

At night, while the citizens slept Winston worked endlessly on knitting each of the members of the town a new outfit. Cheerful red shirts, bright pairs of yellow pants, and perfectly knit purple hats. He gave out the outfits every day and that made Saddona even more bright and sunny and joyful.

Mayor Saddington announced at the next meeting through his deep chuckle that Saddona would no longer be called Saddona and he would no longer be called Sadman Saddington. Saddona was now Joyston and he was now to be addressed as Sir Carl.

Each and every day there was a new joy discovered. Slip and Slides. Roller rinks. Snow. Changing leaves. Four leaf clovers. Hopscotch. Scrapbooks. Wool Blankets. Petting Zoos. Mattress Pads. Monopoly. Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Kittens. Beagle puppies. Roller Coasters.

One thing Winston showed the townfolk that they rejected, was new food. They were purely content with their broccoli and spinach sandwiches. Winston just shook his hot dog head, smiled, and screamed, “I LOVE LIFE!”

On one fateful day, an outsider came to town. She was on a road trip and got hungry, and was in search for a place to eat. It was eight p.m. and Winston was taking a nap in the barbeque bush. The hungry woman, whos name was callie, drove around Joyston and looked for a place that served something other than spinach and broccoli sandwiches. She almost gave up when she suddenly got a whiff of sweet smelling barbeque sauce.

She pulled over, enticed by the smell, and found the barbeque bushes. She peered down in them and saw the tastiest looking hot dog she had ever seen sleeping in a purple shell. She nudged the hot dog and Winston awoke instantly with a grin.

“Hi, my name is Winston, I LOVE LIFE.”

Callie grinned back at the tasty slab of meat and bun and got out her and mustard packets. She picked Winston up and he continued to smile, thinking she just wanted a hug.

She smeared the condiment on Winston.

“Gee, thanks, I’ve always thought I look great in yellow!” Winston started to sing one of his songs but before he could get to the chorus, Callie had bitten off his lower half.

Winston winced, wondering how he would skip after he had no legs, but his love for life overwhelmed the slight worry.

Callie continued to eat. Winston continued to smile. When Callie got to the last bite he cried out one last time, “My name is Winston, and I love-“

Callie chewed the hot dog, got in her car, and continued on to her destination.

The End.

It would be so much easier to quit. 

It would be so much easier to hide and run away from my problems. 

It would be so much easier to be alone. 

I don't trust anyone. 

I don't even trust myself. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. 

It's sad that I was the forgotten one. Now that I think about it, it seems like that's always how it was. I was always the after thought. 

Too quiet and passive to be considered one of the group. Too quiet and passive for them to even know who I am. 

I am crazy and fun and random and spontaneous. 

I am an emotional, sensitive person that takes every careless word to heart and picks each one of them apart, running them over and over in my head until I can't do it anymore. 

I care alot about people. I try to make sure everyone feels loved and included. Even when I don't like someone I try to be kind. Even when people are mean to me and dont like me, I try to be kind. 

I have opinions. I have feelings. Just because I don't always speak my mind, doesn't mean I don't have one. 

I am comfortable with the way I live. Jeans and tshirts. Regular old shoes. I like the occasional necklace or pair of earings or nice shirt or cute shoes...but I'm pretty much a simple girl. I hate materialism...Yet I window shop. I look at all the useless items in useless stores and I get disgusted every time. I don't even know why I go to places like that...it just makes me sick. 

I want to help people. I want to see people. Not just walk down the street and pass them up without a thought. There are so many frowning angry sad lonely people out there and we can help just by making eye contact and smiling. Saying hello, how are you? 

Hearing how their day has been and really listening. 

Sometimes I think I've got it right...and then I see something in my life that I need to fix, that I need to work on. 

That's who I am...I've had a slight identity crisis since last year around this time. The hurt is still there. I'm up an down. I'm angry that I'm forgiving. I'm hurt and then I'm not. I'm inferior then superior. I can't take this anymore....

I hate this. 

Thoughts 12-4-2010

-I need a job.

-I've figured out that I'm going to just get an associates degree in general studies at Ivy Tech since I really have no idea what I'm doing. I want to work with kids but I don't want to be a teacher. I like writing but really don't want to be a journalism major. I like psychology but I don't want to be a psychologist.

- My dad is having surgery next thursday. He's going to be out of work for 6 weeks....I really, really need a job. So I can help out and buy groceries...and so we dont kill each other. 

- Vivvian and Emily are coming home soon! :)

- I miss Wisconsin already but don't miss certain aspects of it. I'm glad I moved back. I feel so much safer.

-I wish I could find a job exactly like my job at timber-lee. It would make life so much easier.

-I really don't like going to my church anymore. I was just there tonight. And I was just not connecting....and that makes me really sad.

-I don't miss my former church.

-I am really hoping to be able to go to school full time this semester.

-I don't want to be in a relationship for a looong time. I have a desire for it sometimes. But I am content being alone.

-I want to try a new church tomorrow morning.

-I wish I didn't have church issues.

- I need to clean my room. & I really need to clean my car,

- I miss my Wisconsin friends. But I'm soo thankful I have Adair Engel.

-I love the snow. I love winter. I wish I had a warmer winter coat. Some hats and gloves would be nice too....meh I will survive.

- I know God is in control and he has the plans for my life and all, but I feel like I'm floating in the air...only it's more like falling, like crashing, and I don't know when I'm going to safely land on the ground. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm going to pay for stuff. Cause I dont have a job. And I miss people. I want to be at a point where I am content. I have been wandering since 2008...I'm so confused about so many things.

-Christmas makes me happy but it also makes me disgusted in some ways.

-That is all. 

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile. I don't know why but there's something about xanga that is just more comforting than writing on facebook. Maybe because only a few people read this. I don't know. I've had this thing since summer of 2006 and I just cant seem to stop writing on here. Even if I don't write in it for awhile. It's like my comforting old friend. 

There's been a lot of changes in my life since I last really updated this thing in May. 

Summer was amazing. The first two weeks of staff training I kind of wandered, trying to find my place at the camp. I spent a lot of time alone, cause that is what I had been used to. My temporary roommate encouraged me to be social and I was at times. Working in the kitchen the first two weeks, I was not sure about it. I wasn't sure if I'd fit in with the summer staff that worked there. It wasn't until the first Sunday night dinner that we all worked, that I realized that they were good people. 

I lost my ring. The one Shannah gave me for my birthday/Christmas. It was my birth stone. I realized it was not on my finger after we were all done cleaning in the kitchen. I panicked. Searching my pockets, the apron pockets and pretty much everywhere I could think of in the kitchen. My friend Katie was convinced that I must have thrown it away. So she and my friend Emily actually got in the dumpster... and searched through bags of trash. Abby, Pat, Lauren, my roommate Sherra and I helped from outside the dumpster. My boss Dean came out from the kitchen. I thought he was going to yell at us for the dumpster diving, instead he got us some trash bags and some gloves. 

Note: This was when I knew I was going to have a good summer with good friends. :) 

November 20th

I used to write songs...

I used to trust...

I used to not be so skeptical of everything

I used to be more passionate...

I dont know who I am anymore

I dont know who You are anymore.

I want to trust again

I want to grow

I want to move past all this

I want to know you

Last year someone that I used to be close with asked me what was wrong with me and what happened to the loveable kid that used to put prayer requests in for stray dogs.

I am not that kid anymore.

Too much has happened

With my parents.

With my church

With my faith

I've been through too much to stay the same as I once was.

But you know what, Im sick of this pity party.

It's been a continuous one since 2004

And Im done

Im ready to find myself again...

Only its not gonna be the same

Because everything Ive been through is only going to make me stronger

There is a change coming....

Colossians 3:13

It doesn't matter about who was right and who was wrong anymore...

It doesn't matter if you've forgiven me for things that I've done.

I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to move past this.

We are both loved children of God and one day we will stand face to face before Him.

I want to stand before Him one day without an ounce of bitterness or resentment in my heart.

I am letting go.

I forgive you.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.